When He Reaches Out--He REALLY Reaches

(Originally Sept 28 2005)

Last night I was flat out depressed. Flat OUT. The reality of going to NJ was more stark than it had been throughout this whole eviction process. One of my many outstanding credit card debt workers had expected me to send her some money this week, and I had planned on doing so because I had done so already. They had knocked off nearly a thousand bucks and did not send it to a collection agency so it was a sweet deal. But last night, I realized that I couldn't give up the very little bit I have in my pocket--what with needing to eat and amuse my sanity and whatnot. So I called her back and very responsibly (as opposed to ignoring her call completely) explained that I would not be able to fulfill the agreement we had begun. I didn't even have to fight back tears as I told her how I quit my Starbucks job in attempt to be a real estate agent and my impending eviction, and the need to keep every dime I had. She was a very nice lady and wished me luck. Then I put in a call to the NJ benefactor and left a message apologizing for missing him this weekend but that I would only need access to the place this Sunday, as that I already had help to move.

Then I curled up in the cradle of a rock in Central Park and tried to lapse into an irreversable coma. No dice.

So instead, I went to church! Yes, Times Square Church just happened to have had a service last night (and every Tuesday night). The music was lackluster--Brooklyn Tabernacle delivers EVERY time. However, the intention last night was for me to hear the sermon and get some boohoo time logged in at the altar. Little did I know, I'd be getting that boohoo time throughout the whole sermon.

First of all, this visiting preacher from Canada titled the message "Fighting The Dragon" Hello? Attention grabbed, thank you. Then he referred to Psalms as finding the answer to how you fight The Dragon, which, shockingly, was there.

Psalm 91
13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I [will be] with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

The preacher emphasized that out of all the promises God makes in how you will be able to trample this dragon, being shown His salvation will give you the power to accomplish victory in this battle.

Then this preacher broke down the nature of salvation, not for the newly converted or the visiting sinner, but for us old warhorses sitting in the seats, wondering if God will ever use us again.

This is what the man said--the MAN said salvation is described five ways in the Psalms, but I only remembered four of them. 1) God will consider you as Not Guilty. 2) God will tear up all the debt of sin you owe. 3) God will "defend" you, or Restore you. 4) God will return you to service. The man said so many of us come to God from a shame-based background, and we feel that we can never do enough to earn God's approval or love. Now folks, did I NOT get this revelation myself, upon creating this new blog? Yeh, I got the revelation, but it's been taking a while to sink in. But this preacher man last night---he NAMED it, you hear me? He directly blasted my SHAME-BASED background. Before I ever searched for salvation, my whole life had been securely buried under a mound of shame (what with the childhood sexual abuse and pre-teen exposure to pornography and whatnot--what? you don't know? Check out my last blog, June 16th entry.) So the legalist Christianity I started out with was PERFECT for me. Gimme a task to earn my slavation! I'm such a disgusting vile wreck of a human, I'll do ANYTHING to get forgiven! And so for nearly twenty years, I worked it. Stop listening to secular music? Check! No movie theatres? Got it! Date only Christians? Check! Church three times a week? How about if I go work with the pastor too? And attend church four or five times?! Who does God love NOW, buddy?! And if I were female, I'd also have wore only skirts and dresses, never cut my hair, wear no jewelry, no makeup. Whatever I could've done to make God like me, I would have DONE it!

Last night I was reconfirmed. Nothing I'm doing, good or bad, is getting God's love for me. He loves me because HE loves me. HE declared me not guilty--I didn't win the ruling by a preponderance of evidence. HE tore up my debt of sin--my new real estate gig didn't pay them off. HE defends me, restores me--HIS actions, HIS decisions. I've got nothing to contribute to that process.

And the nature of this salvation is thus; He wants to use me. Still.

It was my hope for significance. I was going to be a preacher and gain acceptance. Earn the respect of the white people in Missouri. Earn their love. All such a mistake. So many years gone.

But last night, I was reminded again that I got nothin'. I will be earning nothing. It's going to be God's show in my life, or it's going to be nothing.