When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Onward ...

(Originally 4/30/07)

... I scheduled my therapist sessions to begin next week. Funny, but since I made the appointment, I've been feeling a little better. And I haven't even started yet. I picked a female therapist for the specific purpose of preventing an attachment problem from developing. That is, I don't want to crush on the therapist if it's a man who falls into a specific category. Because that's going to be one of the problems I'm going to discuss. I need to get another opinion on me and mancrushes. I keep making deductions based on other people's writings, and I keep thinking I have come up with an answer for myself, but then a weekend might pass and I find myself back at default.

For me right now, the worst case scenario is that I'm gay and I won't admit it. That's unacceptable. I'm not brave enough to be gay. The society still has not accepted homosexuality as a standard alternative, and if there's one thing I need to survive, is to be accepted. Also aesthetically, it does not satisfy my mind. Nothing looks better to me than a man and a woman. Not even a woman with another woman. Also also, there's that whole disease thing which Wendy Williams calls The Monster. How many gay men have been destroyed by AIDS? I don't even like to touch public restroom doorhandles on my way out of them--so how could I navigate through a society where a prospective partner could be a viral timebomb? And then again also also, there's Sade in the Kiss of Life video I posted. I stare at her when the thing plays. Her hips and belly sway and I just want to wrap my arms around them and press the side of my face against her navel. I want to kiss her skin from her belly up the middle to her throat and her chin and land on her full, dark lips.

And lastly, there is of course, the molestation. If I didn't know I had been violated before I was ten by a male, I could entertain the possibility that there's a genetic code hidden in me somewhere that allows for same-sex attraction. But no. I was molested. Sex was introduced to me far too early, by another male. I'm not going to ignore that fact. So, therapist, here I come. Let's work out some stuff. I look forward to it, in fact.


Alan said...

Scott said...

Wow, that's pretty heavy, Alan. It's brave of you to consider the possibility that you are gay, but I think man crushes are probably motivated more by a need to have a father figure, someone to look up to and to emulate. You are a long way along the road to recovery if you are seeking help. That's why you feel better already.
8:39 AM

Alan said...

Thanks Scott. And you do know some of my fascination with father-figures from back when you posted about your camping trip with your son. I've acknowledged it before on these pages too. Most of my Heroes are based on the father-figure hole in my life. My Friend The Doctor acknowledged that if it wasn't for the whole molestation-thing adding sex into the mix, I wouldn't be as confused about it as I am.

And I've heard from more than one gay man that they were molested by a man when they were young. And I also know that there are straight men who have been molested by a man when they were young too.

But the whole problem with doing this to a child is how is destroys that child's potential for being secure in their world as they mature.

Children rely -- DEPEND -- on the adults in their life to give them stability and a sense of equilibrium with which they're suppose to use as a base to make adult decisions and commitments.

If we're insecure and scared, and have no true sense of self, then how do we function? How do we have the confidence to take the right job, marry the right woman, make the right financial commitments?

I believe in, and teach, that taking responsibiity for one's own actions are the key to adulthood--yet what can I say when it's a fact that a lot of my choices were taken away from me when I was 6 yrs old, or even younger?

I can't take responsibility for what an adult did to me. I mean, I won't. Even when my memories tell me that I was having fun, my 36 years-distant self tells me that a monstrous, terrifying thing was happening to a helpless child.

So yeah, therapy has always been good for me. Both self-therapy here on my blog and in treatment with professionals. But it's really only been within the last three years that I've faced the molestation and that was only in blog-form. So it's time for the next step.

Meanwhile, I really appreciate the support you guys have extended to me. Back when I first decided to tackle this, I was terrified at how wrong everything could have gone, since I was in essence going public. I could just imagine my friends turning away in disgust, but Childhood Bud, you never did. And Scott, I don't think you will. And Steven, I hope you don't. I just have to do what I have to do to redeem this life of mine.

I just can't give up.
9:12 AM

Anonymous said...

We all have our personal issues with our pasts, and mine are no better or worse than yours Alan. I respect you for what you do in the here and now - your past doesn't enter into it.

Tackling your past is huge, and I don't have the words to add to the conversation, because I'm not in your situation. When it comes to things this immense, I'd rather err on the side of silence than possibly offend a good friend.

Sitting on the sidelines and hoping things continue to get better for you,

10:42 AM
Alan said...

Thanks much, Steven.
10:48 AM

K2 said...

Alan, even though parents provide stability to children's lives, it doesn't mean we don't have our own insecurities. Otherwise, we wouldn't be human. Most people are insecure, to a point; some people just hide it better than others.

Pick your battles in order to win your wars. Don't analyze "coulda, woulda, shoulda" stuff, or you won't be ready for the next battle.

-Not a Doctor, but I play one in the audio drama :-)
7:20 PM

Coaster Punchman said...

Wow, I learn more with each post!

First, I'm very sorry for the trauma you experienced as a kid. From the sound of it you've had too much general trauma in your life, and I really wish you peace.

Second, I so heartily applaud you for having the courage to tackle all these issues from racism to sexuality to getting over childhood trauma. You are "one of the good ones" - and I don't mean black people, I mean MEN! Think of how many men go through sh*t and end up just f-ing up their lives in so many ways (drugs, crime, becoming complete abusive a-holes themselves etc.) The route you have chosen says so much about your character, and it is all good.

Third, not knowing you - and even if I did - your sexuality is 100% your own business and no one on earth should encourage you to be one thing or the other. You get to decide what you are and whom you love.

Finally, hereby as a self-proclaimed ambassador of the gay male community, I wish for you that you learn more about what it means to be a gay man in our culture rather than deciding ahead of time that it would just be too terrible to consider. I'm not AT ALL encouraging you to be gay; as I said, I want you to be exactly who you are and nothing else.

However, it sounds like you have certain fears and maybe a few misconceptions or, at the very least, extreme ideas about what our lives are like. Trust me, it's really not so awful! :)

To put this another way, although you acknowledge that being African American in the US has not always been easy, what would you think if one of your white friends said to you "being black would just be too awful for me. I don't think I could do it." Or how about this - if you could choose your race, would have chosen to be white because it would have been easier?

I don't mean to sound judgmental at all here - I'm just trying to present another perspective.

I will respect whatever your answer is, but can I tell you what would make me happiest to hear from you regarding that last question? This is it:

"Listen Mary, I know you think being black is some horrendous cross I've had to bear but you know what? I love my race and my culture and the richness of my people's history, tragic as it is. I wouldn't choose to be any color other than exactly what I am because I think it's beautiful!"

That's pretty much how I feel when people ask if I wouldn't rather be straight.

Sure, I'd be a lot happier if all the f-ing homophobes would go back into their caves & get off my back, but am I going to let these people interfere with my having a happy life? You bet your ass I am not!

I hope this has been some help, or at least mildly interesting if not amusing.