... I scheduled my therapist sessions to begin next week. Funny, but since I made the appointment, I've been feeling a little better. And I haven't even started yet. I picked a female therapist for the specific purpose of preventing an attachment problem from developing. That is, I don't want to crush on the therapist if it's a man who falls into a specific category. Because that's going to be one of the problems I'm going to discuss. I need to get another opinion on me and mancrushes. I keep making deductions based on other people's writings, and I keep thinking I have come up with an answer for myself, but then a weekend might pass and I find myself back at default.
For me right now, the worst case scenario is that I'm gay and I won't admit it. That's unacceptable. I'm not brave enough to be gay. The society still has not accepted homosexuality as a standard alternative, and if there's one thing I need to survive, is to be accepted. Also aesthetically, it does not satisfy my mind. Nothing looks better to me than a man and a woman. Not even a woman with another woman. Also also, there's that whole disease thing which Wendy Williams calls The Monster. How many gay men have been destroyed by AIDS? I don't even like to touch public restroom doorhandles on my way out of them--so how could I navigate through a society where a prospective partner could be a viral timebomb? And then again also also, there's Sade in the Kiss of Life video I posted. I stare at her when the thing plays. Her hips and belly sway and I just want to wrap my arms around them and press the side of my face against her navel. I want to kiss her skin from her belly up the middle to her throat and her chin and land on her full, dark lips.
And lastly, there is of course, the molestation. If I didn't know I had been violated before I was ten by a male, I could entertain the possibility that there's a genetic code hidden in me somewhere that allows for same-sex attraction. But no. I was molested. Sex was introduced to me far too early, by another male. I'm not going to ignore that fact. So, therapist, here I come. Let's work out some stuff. I look forward to it, in fact.