My Latest Will And Testament

(Originally July 30 2006)

Today I am 200 lbs.

Yesterday I was 198 lbs.

So unfair how my body is a literal fat factory. Either I put on two pounds of muscle between yesterday and today's workout & cardio, or last night and Friday afternoon's scones converted to 4 lbs of bodyweight, despite this weekend's workouts.

Now, I know these scones are evil--I get them from the Starbucks' B&N where they bake it on the premises. And having worked there, I know what the scones looked like before the baking. They are wedges of dough not much smaller than the finished product. Which means not much of the scone is risen air form yeast--it's just actual cooked dough. And then don't let me go into the glaze of sugar on top, the high fructose corn syrup inside, and the little chips of butter waiting to be melted.

But how can three of them convert into 4 lbs of bodyweight, resisting all efforts of metabolism? Or what was really going on last week when I weighted 196 lbs?

Either way, this is frustrating. On the one hand, I can still tell myself that I lost 12 lbs since March, and that's good. But on the other hand, I can't be gaining 4 lbs every time I give in to my lust for carbs. That's not fair.

So here's what I'm going to do. My only regret is that the stuff that had the caffeine (MaHuang, ephedra) has been discontinued. That's right, I said it! I don't care that the former stuff would have made my heart race and palpitate, and that I would have lost sleep. DON'T CARE!! It also would have killed my appetite while speeding up my metabolism. This I know because I tried it before! (Like 15 years ago now, but still). And if it would've killed me, oh well--it's not like my life is a big fat bowl fulla freakin' cherries anyway (which I'm having for breakfast, btw). One less miserable person on the planet can't be anything but good.

Anyway, I'm going to get the Namby-Pamby Ripped Fuel and take the full dosage every day until the empty bottle echoes. I'm losing this weight--screw Mother Nature (who, by the way, is NOT God as far as I'm concerned so all praises to The One To Whom It Matters).