No Worse

Which translates to "The Same."

The holidays were WAY quiet, despite many invites to go places to celebrate. One invitation I had was to go out to Ohio and share the integration my geek buddy's teenage son back into his life. He's already married with a single-digit kiddo from but the first child he had out of wedlock was far from his life due to distance and the child's mother. Now he's getting to know his teenage son through things like Twitter (before all our eyes) and business trips that he turns into personal trips, and the son is all for it because, well, the boy's gay and probably needs all the family he can get.

And thus why I turned the invitation down. It was a family affair, one of love and acceptance of a gay youth. It was something I wanted personally -- too much. I wanted it to apply to myself and I just couldn't let myself steal this kid's thunder, because when I do finally meet my geek buddy, I'm going to out myself. I feel he deserves to know for all the personal that he shares with me (us), and for all the affection he has shown me.

So far, it seems to work. Those who I love, to whom I came out to, loves me still. I doubt the streak would end with this guy because, hello, he just welcomed his gay son into his life with much fanfare (letter of announcement, invitations, everything). So you'll probably agree, when I make my diva move, it shouldn't be at the expense of someone else's.

And then on top on it, the Blizzard of '10 hit day after Crimmas. No more ice-driving for me! One near-death experience was plenty enough.

I also had an invite to go over to MFTD's family's house on Christmas Day for din-din. I din-din't. It was another family shindig that I didn't feel I was an actual member of. Plus there's this whole "by the way, the guy 10 years older than your son, who has known him since he's 15, who strongly influenced him to go away to Missouri and changed his life, (in some parts for the better-hello, he's a Doctor now)--well yeah, you know THAT guy ... ? He's gay."

Now, for New Year's Eve, I had the invite which I've enjoyed two years in the past--My Geek Celebrity's house. (Yes, I like that. I haven't called him this before, but I've referred to him before. He's the geek guy who is the lowest-key gay dude I've ever known. He runs a podcast with his loud, celebrity-seeking, name-dropping, attention-whore co-host. My Geek Celebrity has much more class than that, although thanks to the efforts of his co-host, he now enjoys a moderate level of geek fame and influence.

THIS is the guy who I've gone to the movies with on lots of occasions, and sometimes just he and I, and each time I always think--"Tell this guy! Maybe you and he will hook up!" except he's not 'manly' enough for me either. Mind you, I think I'm way more effeminate than he is, but he's not got those 'turn me on' qualities that would cause me to drop my guards and tell my WHOLE NYC GEEK COMMUNITY that I'm gay.

And let me add a new detail (finally!) I've started drinking.

Okay, well, not a lot of drinking. But ever since I've had a few successful whiskey sours, I've been lured by the memory of the taste to mix them at home and just drink them here. So twice I've had an evening polishing off one of those hand-sized, $7 bottles of whiskey mixed in with various amounts of Mango Lemonades and Crystal Lights.

So on New Year's Eve, with plans to go to My Geek Celebrity's place for festivities, and meeting up with My Con Buddy (the one I think is so handsome, and yet is so straight), for my warm-up drank activities, I chose Jim Beam. Is it "a fifth" that comes in the hand-sized flat bottle? Well whatevs, I drained it by 7:30. Then I set off toward the party. Then I realized My Con Buddy was still handsome and still straight. And I still haven't told him I'm gay. Nor My Celebrity Geek. And I realized too that they both had excellent positions in life. And that they were going to celebrate for the New Year because why not? Life was good!

For them.

But for me? In mid-travel, while fetching some Starbucks latte and a slice of pizza to prevent totally TOTAL drunkness, I realized I was suddenly, amazingly blindingly pissed off beyond all measure. I suddenly didn't want to "celebrate" a fucking thing.

"Celebrate?" HA!!!!!!!!! Celebrate WHAT?

Well, that was New Years Eve. I texted My Con Buddy and let him know I was changing my mind and so I went home and I played ChampionsOnline because Fuck Them, That's Why.

New Year's Day came and I had no hangover or regrets and it was another opportunity to be at peace with no one else's attention needing mine, so I played more ChampionsOnline for hours and hours and that's how I spent the holidays.

No better but no worse.

And that's just my life. It's redeemable, in theory, but ... yeah. Not so much right now.

But wow. For a while back then, I sure did come close, didn't I? Can that be my consolation prize?

Didn't Know How Mad I Was Until I Finished This Post

So about three weeks ago, maybe going on four, I saw Grim Jester driving in his car while I was out with a client. Details of that can be found here.

Well, I still haven't told him yet. He called last week to say we could get together some time when his girlfriend was not around, and that might be this weekend. Meanwhile, I visited our friend-in-common this weekend (the guy I met through Grim and would give rides to our venues because he's just on the other side of the Harlem River from me) because I wanted to use his unlimited metro card and save myself some trainfare. He's another that I could've told my gayness to, but again I just lapsed into the same hetero-patterns that I always do when I sense that I'm with a hetero friend. I chicken out. All the worse case scenarios come crashing down. (re: they'll ridicule me, they'll tease me, they'll scorn me, they'll call me a liar, they'll get angry with me, they'll suspect that I want them, they'll go silent, go uncomfortable, see me as different, as less, as worse, as deviant, as damaged. That everything will change. Everything.)

So I can honestly say that I ditched Grim Jester and the others as a pre-emptive strike. Because I want to tell them my truth, just so I can stop pretending that we have this girl-hunt activity in common anymore, and I can stop that particular type of personal isolation and despair. But if I've already ditched THEM, and the worst case scaenario happens, well--fine. Jokes on you. I left your asses a long time ago anyway.

Yet when I saw ol Grim driving that day, I didn't feel any of the frustration, anger, or fear. I felt lonely. I wanted our friendship back. I wanted someone who lets me call them. Someone who would be willing to take me out when I'm feeling low.

And it makes me want to get rid of the homo-ness again. It's just so ridiculous. Why does this have to be real? Why can't I just have a girl like everybody else? (haha)

Finding a girl would just be so much more ... better for me than going with my stupid homo urges. Sorry, I don't know what else to call them. It's just that they seem to be keeping me from what I want most in life--I want to be happy and accepted. And I DO want kid(s). And I NEED a second income, thanks to the way the country values psychology. I need to be in a family wherein one of us can cover all of us with benefits from their job. And I want to be able to have tete-a-tetes with neighbors without carrying around my homo-baggage. Without having to challenge pre-conceived notions, march in parades, educate children and became a fucking two-man mission-statement instead just being a fucking average guy who gets to have sex with the person who turns him on, like every fucking body else in the LITERALLY fucking world.

Clearly that's too much to ask of the universe. I have to be gay. LUCKY FUCKING ME. And THANKS A FUCKING LOT.

See title.