When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Coming Out

Well, I threw it down. A Neighbor in my neighborhood opened up a message board for alla us up in the hood, (that person wasn't Manhattan's Peak, but through her I learned of it) and in introducing myself I ended saying "And I like guys. A lot."

These neighbors of mine might follow me on twitter some day, you know, where all of everybody else does? So one day one of them just might follow up something gay about me and it just might get out. And yes, I'm as scared about that as I was about having a Facebook page. Because I don't want to "come out." I just want the world to allow me to do me without judging me or condemning me. And I want to be able to put it out there in the public that I'd like a nice guy to date. I'm not trying to "come out", I'm just trying to live.

In other news, Erica and Grizz, I haven't heard back from Dr. Something-or-Other. Maybe he didn't like me pushing up on his buddy. Because I'm telling you, between the two of them, it certainly would be his biddy I want. (Honestly, they were "buddies" not boyfriends. There's a place in the profile to say if you're single and they both were, whereas they could have made each the other's Partner and shared a profile. So I wasn't crossing any boundaries. Promise.)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Another Message In A Bottle

Because Match.Com isn't direct enough.

So yeah, I like to look at the nice men at a site called "something-or-othermuscle" Most of that name I made up, but not the muscle part. Because that's the part I like, of course. That muscle.

So it's a social networking site that features most prominently the pictures of how buff and wonderful the participants are, and they get to leave "I Likes" for one another, and they give out other details like their cities, their height, their weight, and all sorts of other details. And yes, THOSE details too. In fact more than half of those profiles and pics are pornographic. The lads love to show off their naughty bits.

With that kind of frank openness, I feel like I know what I'm dealing with. And too, I feel like I know what I want. I want to live as unashamed of my body and my sexuality as they seem to do. (Also they might just be exhibitionist freaks with damage in the restraint centers of their brains).

But I happened upon a connected pair of profiles, one amazing looking man who has a zipcode near me but no e-mail to use, and his "buddy" who has a very open profile link to a Facebook page where he reveals his professional side AND his orientation. HIS FB profile has a link and an e-mail address. And to backtrack a few steps, neither of their "something-or-othermuscle" profiles show pornography. Nothing more pornographic than you'd see in a underwear catalog, anyway.

And so, I went in. I'm hooked. Again. And to the professional one, I wrote the following e-mail (and I will censor the names, lest a google search opens me up to them before we ever meet. Not that I have anything to be ashamed of HERE. And actually, it would save time to let them see it...but in due time).

So here, read this;

"I don't know if I should call you, XXX, XXXXXXX, or Dr. XXXXXX, but whichever you prefer--hello!

"My name's Alan. I'm a 45 yr old black male New Yorker and I browse the (something-or-othermuscle) profiles pretty regularly. I've reached out to a few fellow New Yorkers there with no success so far. Given your Facebook link, I'm hoping that you might be open to a little communication from a guy who is seeking clarity on life and "the pursuit of happiness" whatever that means.

"I am currently a therapist in midtown Manhattan, (definitely not living as well as that might sound), and have also realized within the last four years that I'm gay. Being late to the life means, of course, that 95% of my friends are "straight" (jury's out on a few) and I don't know where I fit in with them anymore. I suppose it might go a little better if I were just to come out to everyone I know and let me friends accept or reject me accordingly, but all the repression and shame that I've been taught from my teen years makes that the hardest task ahead of me.

"So I'm writing to you for a few reasons. At the very least I'm looking for a pen pal who could offer some encouragement through opinion or shared experiences. At best, I could gain a new friend or a whole group of peers to help me into this new identity so I can get along with the rest of my life, and possibly do some good as a result. Now, of course, the guys on (something-or-othermuscle) are my types of guys. Prime example is the guy, XXXXXXX XXXX, whom you're buddied with and who doesn't seem to take e-mails. I definitely know I'm gay when I see his body. But finding you through his profile seems also like a win because you might be more willing to respond than have others. So I guess I was drawn to send you this e-mail on all kinds of levels. I suppose, whatever else could come from contact like this is yet to be seen. It's certainly new territory for me.

"So, yeah. I guess that's pretty much it. I have more online info about who I am and what I do that I can share if you want to know whether I'm a spambot, or want to know what I look like, or whatever. I figure that's only fair, right? Oh! Also I work out at NYSC too, usually in spots around midtown, mostly at 73rd near CPW because afterward it's a nice walk across the Park to work when I'm done. Or vice versa.

"Right. So. Here I go sending out my message in a bottle.

"Hope to hear from you. Thanks.


What do you think about that, Dear Readers? Biggest Mistake Ever or About Damn Time?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Two Weeks and about 7 Hours Ago...

I saw Grim Jester on the road while I was out with my client. I texted him to say "I just saw you" but I had the wrong number. I sent an email to my old group to repeat "I saw you" but again, as if I'd dialed the wrong number again, there was no response.

That was two weeks ago.

In the last 14 days, I've been a therapist for other people. A woefully underpaid one, so much in fact that I shall be late to pay July's rent. And will be a thousand and change behind in my car payments by the end of the year. And My license will be suspended for non-payment of the ticket I can't afford to pay since I had to get my car out of the tow pound 4 weeks ago.

Yeah, ol' Me is in that place again. However, the insurance company is actually the reason why this time--not bad judgment on my part. They keep making mistakes during my pay-out and I keep having to return the checks. I need them to cut the shit, and cut me a check on Monday. But even so, I won't get that insurance money until July 15th after the center has held onto it and gotten their interest's worth.

So this has been my frame of mind for the last 4 weeks. My money woes returned a sense of the stupid dumbness of my life. Yet I sit in the big chair, encouraging others to see the brighter sides of THEIR lives. I teach OTHER people how to make the best of communication and relationships. I got crazy mad "maximize your life" skills--for someone else.

And two weeks ago, when I saw Grim Jester, I saw an opportunity to regain a little control back out of this crazy life. So I called the house number that I still had until I reached him. And I arranged to go over to his house to see him today. And I sat up in the room with him and his new girlfriend and mended fences. Mind you, Jester's way of mending fences is to proceed like nothing's happened, which worked for him. I only stayed for a few minutes because his girlfriend looked sleepy, possibly post-coitally, and I wanted to have more of a "talk" than this virtual stranger's presence would allow.

But he walked me out to my doomed car, and he seemed glad that I had come, and I sensed that whatever I was holding against him, I had let go.

But the control I wanted back in my life was not fully restored today. For what I intended to tell him was that I was gay, and have been all this time, and the reason I left the group is because I couldn't stand being around him and only letting him piss me off instead of meeting my need. I intended to tell him that all his anti-gay remarks had made me feel embarrassed and ashamed of what I was, and that while I was struggling to accept this about myself, I needed a lot less of him and his hairy muscles, and his locker-room fratboy group of geeks teasing gay people (and thus, ostensibly, ME). And I meant to tell him that I still haven't figured everything out yet, but if I was going to get anywhere closer to who I am, I was going to have to come out to a few more people until I did it completely.

Because why am I a therapist helping other people make the most out of their relationships with people and lovers, yet not do anything like that for myself? How much older am I going to get watching people all around me continue to have their fantastic and magical relationships, while I resign myself to an inhuman experience of isolation and fear?

I cry foul on all that. I'm lonely. I want a dude. I just have to accept that.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


In a bloggy mood this AM. It should be illegal to post pictures of yourself on the internet if you're male and you have muscle. Or are hunky in any sort of way. At all.

I do think I'm recovering nicely from a whirlwind crush I achieved a few days ago. I got turned onto a comicbook/comedy troupe last week by a fellow fan, and lo and behold, they had a kinetic manhunk in their ranks. Made me laugh and made me lust. So what do I do? Well, I hit 'im up, of course! I posted on their YouTube, friended them on Facebook, Tweeted them with praise. And who of the four should respond immediately? Why, Hunkalicious of course! Letting me into his Facebook world helped not at all. "Single" declareth he! As I browsed his camping pics and wrestling shows attendance, we traded messages "Have you done this?" "Where do you live?" "Did you read that?" "What'd you like best?" kind of stuff. All the while I'm noticing his (as well as his troupemates) involvement in a big church. Pics of song services begin to unearth. Hunkalicious on a stage with a mic in one hand and the other stretched up to the sky in prayer.

Hunkalicious' Facebook preference is "Women" and these boys are ministers in a mega church. And although he's the only single one in the group, and the best looking, and the hunkiest, he's involved in ministry. That means that even if he harbors a secret love for the well-figured man--he's buried himself under the protective cocoon of Godliness. At my most grandiose, I know that to court him any further would be (another) big letdown for me.

So, here's the deal--if you can avoid being gay, I highly recommend that course of action at any cost (Yeah, right).

It's absolutely no fun getting these unbidden crushes when you least expect them, as they have approximately 0.0034% chance of turning into anything. And NO it is not just like hetereo crushes. No it is NOT. Because a guy can find a girl attractive and can expect a reasonable chance of chatting her up. It would be a surprise if he discovers she's "Single" but interested in "Women." But this is what it's like all the time for the gay single man. Guys befriending guys is common and expected, without the baggage of sex-attraction. Poor single straight guy just wants a friend. WHY did it have to be with THIS guy, preying on him with unwanted sexual advances that skeeve him the ufck out? He didn't ask for that. He was just being friendly.

Not to mention that Facebook puts all your business out there in front of all your "friends."

My safest fantasy scenario is that any of the single, good looking guyfriends on my Facebook chat with me, and I with them, and somehow someway (through osmosis I guess?) he or I approach the topic of why I'm single at my age, I tell him in a PM, and he says, "Oh. Hmm. That's funny. So am I!" Then we start communication on another level "What's it like for you?" "Isn't it difficult to see all our friends married, having kids, etc etc?" "How many gay relationships have you had?" "You neither?! Wow, you're exactly like me!" Hilarity ensues.

I suppose that could still happen with Hunkalicious, but the man is ensconced in a church. Publicly ensconced. Unless their church is so open-minded as to allow samesex marriage within the ministry -- I'd be setting myself up for failure. Or something illicit and potentially disastrous. Have you ever seen a church line up to excommunicate a member for moral indiscretion? I have. Participated in fact. Sick and tragic. Talk about moral failure--WE committed it that night, regardless of what that member had done.

And then of course, there's the fact that he's 12 hrs away from here.

Oh, speaking of that, Ned, I missed you during my trip to Charlotte! I guess there was a lot going on for both of us? I was running with two groups this time instead of just the one group you met last year.

Anyway, so that's what's going on. I'll probably still head down that road with Hunkalicious in conversation ... I feel it. No. Stop it, Me. He said he's interested in "Women" on his Facebook. It doesn't matter if his church supports samesexness. He doesn't. Let it go. Stop it.

So much fun to be me. Eat your hearts out. :-/