My Friend The Doctor called me on my way to the gym totell me his wife is in labor. They are out in Connecticut and his family will be joining him shortly. I thought I'd go until I found out they were going so I opted out. I think its a mistake for me not to go, but I'm definitely got that social avoidance thing going on right now. His family is significant and made of very strong personalities and if all turns out well, it's going to be an amazing time.
He's going to be his wife's birth coach so he'll be inning and outing to the delivery room, and I'd be there with his Mom & Pop and brothers and sis-in-law. I'd very much be a unit of one in a sea of people because I just always feel like that anyway. I want to belong but I don't feel like I will and its just too crazy to believe that he's going to be a father now, and his wife a mother.
I can only pray he doesn't hold it against me, but I just can't do it. I think I'd add some unneccesary drama to the works because I will most assuredly cry and maybe even go a little catatonic with regrets and mourning and a degree of some jealousy and some despair and grief over what I've already lost and it's soooo not about me right now. It's about him and his newborn and his wonderful wife.
I don't know. I'm copping out, I think. I feel bad about it, but thisn't the first time I've taken the safe road. It also won't be the first time I regret it, either. I just can't go alone, that's all. I can't go and be alone.