So I called My Friend The Doctor and told him I wanted to be normal.
What's that you say? Wasn't I doing well already? Feeling good and having fun? Made some accomplishments and am enjoying some success?
Well, YEAH! :-)
So of course, I want to plug in the last few pieces of the puzzle and call myself normal. Why wouldn't I?
Now, I lack a few qualifications in order to enter into this thing we call "normal". For a while -- a LONG while -- I've made myself content, even triumphant, about NOT being normal. And mind you, I'm not referring to wanting to remove myself from GeekLife. I'm not trying to be that normal because, um, please--why?
But even geeks get she-geeks to enjoy.
So this whole Match.Com thing had me wanting to spill and I called up MFTD to do so. Because this is what I realized; if I'm going to be successful with Match.Com, or any other future normal female, I'm going to have to put out. You know, "vodie-o-doe".
Yes, you see, because of my Christian stance (see; Header, above), I had chosen to live the celebate life. I had planned to abstain from sex until my wedding night. And as I previously indicated but did not detail, the relationship with my last girlfriend ended because she lost faith in me. The exact detail is that because I wasn't pursuing sex with her, she questioned if I'd be "able" after we got married. After all, I was in my late thirties at the time. Why was I not trying to get into them guts? She said she didn't think I was gay, but she just wanted to feel better about her future with me, sexually.
Well, sadly, that was the exact wrong thing to doubt me about. Because it wasn't as if I wasn't wondering the same thing. And I needed a partner to get me over that hump (no pun intended). Yet, I wasn't going to try do that until I was married.
That's a lot to ask from a woman, isn't it? Not with all the "down-low" brothers out there who are marrying and making children, and then having same-sex affairs and infecting their wives with The Monster (as Wendy Williams likes to call it). But I do know this, when I was with her, I know I loved her. I know I love her right now. I know I wanted to hold her on the couch while we watched TV. I know I enjoyed kissing her. I know I wanted to press her body against mine. I know I thought she had luscious and beautiful breasts. And I know I like sex. Hetereo sex. Man-and-woman sex. That I know.
So I told MFTD that I was going to have to have me some sex if I was going to pursue Match.Com and be successful with any woman I found on there. And then MFTD said to me, "Well, you're planning to put the whole Christian thing to the side anyway aren't you?"
And I became instantly petrified. Because oh my gosh. No, MFTD, I was not planning that. At all. But then again, I must have been. Not only that, but I must have been giving MFTD every indication that I was. With every download to him that I would perform I must have been telling him how much closer to leaving Christianity I was going. And My Mentor must have gotten the same vibe everytime I call him to try to feel better about not going to church. These guys want me to stay Christian, and so do I, but they can't tell by the way that I'm acting.
And that breaks my heart.
"Normal." Yes, I could be normal. In the matters of sexuality and relationships, I want to be normal. At 42 years old, it's scary not to be normal. But one of my best friends is a man who puts on a superhero suit FOR REAL. So why am I putting a premium on what kind of normal I should be?
Christianity is an important commitment that I made a long time ago. It has kept me sane when all these other coping mechanisms that I now know about were just pages in a textbook somewhere. Christianity to me is like tradition in a Jewish home. It's important to me. I want to raise children with Christianity as a staple in my home. (And no, I'm not talking about the kind of Christianity that lunatic in the White House and those hypocrites on Capitol Hill spit at people.)
And for the sake of "normal" sex, I'm trying to throw that away? Not to mention, for the sake of my actual God, I'm trying to throw it away? I can be loyal to Matt, a man, but not to my God?
What is wrong with that picture?
So MFTD told me what I already knew. I just need to get back to it. Match.Com is not where I'm going to find "my beloved". It's time to stop "shuckin' and jivin'" (thanks Dad) and recapture the thing in my life that is important to me. I've wasted enough years feeling sorry for myself and giving myself excuses "why", and trying and failing with "normal" women. If I'm going to get what I want, I have to do what I need to do.
Normal? Yeah, I'll be normal. Normal by my own standards--which is all anyone ever really does anyway.
And I'm a friend of My Hero's as well.
So that's alright then.