When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

This Mental Illness Among Us

(Originally 4/20/07)

My challenge is to face the world with mental illness. No, not just my own (which again, I'm relieved to note that I don't have a disorder which needs to be treated with medication, although sometimes I feel like I do, but I have some tendencies and hurdles which have adversely affected my development). I'm referring to all the mental illness everywhere.

This morning I got hit with a double-whammy. In my beloved fangroup, a member re-exposed her ugly side and wrecked my whole morning. She gave herself permission to turn the forum into a cesspool. She railed against another member who hadn't even been the object of her initial ire. She did this in the name of defending her actions against someone else whom she called immature, and with that action, she blew her own actions out of the water. She apologized before for rash and incindiary speech but she'd never done this before, which makes me think her apologies aren't worth the 1's and 0's that they're made out of.

Then I leave my house (HAHA! "my" house.) get in my car (BWAHAHA! "MY" car) and turn on the radio to hear some guy calling in to cuss someone out, saying that he was going to catch up to someone and really give it to her good--threatening and extremely nasty. I though he was calling the radio station but they were just playing his recorded message. Turns out it was Alec Baldwin, cussing out his own daughter, who is no more than 11 or twelve. And it turns out that the recording was given by Kim Basinger, as a defense for her own side in their custody case.


I spend so much time in fantasy because it tears my heart out to have to face this miserable condition we suffer from. (Yes, "we". Like me in my car, for instance, when I can't say civil things to people just because they linguered at a traffic light for 6 picaseconds longer than I would have liked them to.) I'm taking responsibility for this tenderhearted weakness I feel like I have, but it does have a root cause. When I said in an earlier post that my mother treated her patients better than she treated me, I was totally not kidding. My mother would curse me out at the drop of a hat. She'd curse anyone out. Somehow, I developed a total fetish for a woman who cussed out their man, but at the same time, a phobia when I'm on the receiving end. No, a real I-can't-be-in-a-relationship phobia. I would walk on glass to prevent an argument. I had one girlfriend who never argued with me. Her I should have married. Yet I fear I probably would have been the abuser in the relationship, because again, I'm no saint.

I know I need to get over this. I can't be giving this much power to people's words. I've sold a good twenty-five years of my life away for a peace that doesn't really exist, and it hasn't improved my life at all, because I'm still vulnerable to negativity. I still crave, puppy-like, approval and acceptance. I can still be devastated by the harsh word from a loved one.

1 comment:

Alan said...

Scott said...

I hear you totally, Alan. You just need to find a girl who will not give you harsh criticism and knows how to temper her enthusiasm when she has something hard to say. I'm a lot the same way. Two people who care for one another will find an equilibrium.
8:12 PM
Alan said...

That is so what I need, Scott.

I want to read about how real couples settle their differences. I need some good examples to follow. I need some hope before I try again.

Anything you can provide would be hugely appreciated.
8:35 PM
Alan said...

To add this that, Childhood Bud, chime in here. You gots wife and 3 kids. (Watch you'll tell me that you and she are now in negotiations on who gets the house and how to divide the custody, and you just didn't want to tell me ...)

and yes, I have My Friend The Doctor and his wife and their baby, but if he has a flaw, it would be his temper. I'm not sure how his wife puts up with the way he talks to her sometimes, and me (wanting to stay out of conflict), have never addressed him on it. And I never will. I just tell myself "Nobody's perfect" and I try to make a joke so I can get back to my safe place.

It's exhausting.
8:40 PM
Alan said...

And one last thing;

When I said I've developed a fetish for a woman who'll cuss her man out, I don't mean a specific one. I mean any one. Somehow, the only way my skin doesn't crawl if a couple is arguing is if the woman has the upper hand. That has to be textbook Oedipal. Girl Power is SO sexy to me.

So I think I can weather an angry storm from my love, as long as she can get at me with a clear sense of her love.
8:48 PM