(Originally 8/24/06)
It's the middle of the day and I'm at a worksite with internet access, so I felt the need to come online and lay some feelings down.
A co-worker here has left the job for a stretch because of a medical condition. The same thing my mother had. I knew this co-worker had a medical situation, but I didn't know it was that serious. I'm kind of dumb and naive that way. I didn't want to know, and successfully stayed away from the gossip of it. But I found out today.
Apart from the responsibility of my job to help get that gap filled in here, I'm feeling all watery in the chest, as though later on today I might have a good cry. And it seems this is a condition I'll have for the rest of my life. If anyone near me experiences the illness my mother went through then my present emotions dovetail on those old emotions. The ache is tremendous and all the business between me and my mother remains unfinished, just as it will always be.
And then there's just this sadness. People losing their loved ones and their friends. ME losing them. The person-sized vaccuum left behind. The sheer weight of missing people.
It sucks.
It's a part of the world's chemistry that we lose people to death, but never ever does if get any better. I had hoped that I'd process it and it'd become a part of my life with which I could deal, but dang it's hard. I hope this co-worker gets better and recovers, but she might not. Then what? More pain, more sorrow, more misery.
bleahh. I'm going to lunch.
Now I know why people do dope.
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