So My Friend The Doctor Told Me...

(Originally 12/15/06)

...that I need to reconnect with my spiritual needs.

This was based on my telling him that I've been feeling "bluesy" lately. It's a word I borrowed from another place to minimize the real deal, which is that I'm a little depressed. Or maybe I'm a lot depressed.

I don't generally have a problem with admitting, or even singing to the rooftops when I'm depressed. I usually tell the exact why, when, and how of the depression. This time I don't really know.

Things are going great. Audio drama, check! Friends with My Hero, che--!

Well.

Hmm.

Actually, maybe that's it. I'm not really friends with Hero like I think I'd like to be. Well, I mean not like I know I'd like to be.

I'll illustrate; I can call My Mentor, who is seriously a friend of mine. When I call him, we could speak for hours. He asks me about my life, I ask him about his. I love his principles and his wisdom. He seems to respect me for mine. He seems also to really care about me. I wouldn't hesitate to say that he loves me. (In the Christian world, saying you love your brother is the norm, and it's one of the best things about Christianity that I actually miss). The same goes with My Friend The Doctor. And even The Grim Jester.

Can that happen with My Hero? The crazy thing is, I think it can? But -- the way it has gone so far has been so magical and so special -- so inspiration and amazing -- how could I survive if I messed that up?

Everything I've seen so far seems to point out that Matt would accept anyone into his life as a new friend. But my own fear is screaming at me, telling me that I'm going to lose everything if I dare push this thing too far. My worse fear is to be rejected and at the same time, I feel like I've already set this up much further than I should have.

My Friend The Doctor knows me enough to know that I'm still searching for a father. I mention that pretty often here as well. But what I don't know is -- when does the searching stop? Guys who HAVE fathers will eventually lose them, so then what happens to them? Do they start searching again? Does a person get enough to last them through the rest of their life after their father is gone? Does becoming a father help solve that search--in effect, transforming the searcher into the object?

And so, will I ever really be done with this pursuit of heroes? If I were ever to get up the courage and take the chance that Hero is the kind of guy that he seems to be (and come on Alan! When has Hero ever let you down before? What the hell is wrong with you? You didn't invent this guy, you never put words into his mouth, and you don't have the ability to force him to do something he doesn't want to. How, truly, can you mess this up by asking him to be what he already is?), will I ever be satisfied with the outcome?

*exhales*

This is probably why guys get married. Guys probably don't use all these words to describe their feelings, but they want to fill an emptiness. Sometimes I wonder if guys only like girls because of the sex, but it seems to me that if I had a girl, I wouldn't be pursuing heroes so passionately. Maybe guys need girls so we can become heroes, instead of chasing heroes around.

Hey. That actually makes sense. What I want from My Friend The Doctor, and My Mentor, and My Hero, and My Other Hero, I actually want for myself. I think they are awesome and I want to be like them. I admire them and I want to be admirable.

That's an answer I can live with.

Now let's see what happens.