The Space Between

Littlewing asked me; "Don't you follow the theory that if things are meant to be, they will, or that there is a reason why things happen?"

When I was a religious fanatic, the answer to that was an unequivocal "Yes." Because things were given by God with a big gift bow on them. I believed my entire life was a series of steps ordered by God and that I qualified for this privilege because I was a righteous man.

I've lost touch with that innocence. Mainly because I'm not so righteous anymore. (The actual Christian definition of 'righteousness' is; being covered by Christ's righteousness because we all suck anyway and can never be righteous enough in our humanity. How do you get covered by His righteousness, you ask? You repent and accept His death for your sins. Then you live your life aware of that and you try to live up to Christian principles--the chiefest of these is Love One Another As You Love Yourself.)

Hmm, I thought I wasn't so righteous until I typed out that definition for myself. That is still my religion, and I still believe it. So Littlewing, thank you ... you're right. I should settle down. Worst-Case Scenario Man should have no power over me.

Yesterday in therapy, I got a huge insight for why I fall into these worst-case scenario traps. I do a lot of "all or nothing" thinking. A person is either ALL good or ALL bad. That's not possibly true, but it's how I find myself acting. It isn't as if I think they have and always will be ALL good or ALL bad. I just think that in the moment, they are being either ALL good right now, or ALL bad right now.

For example, My Hero. To me he is ALL good. His actions are purest of pure. His heart beats truest of all true. And that's obviously not possible, seeing that he's as human as I am. And I've been with him in his own element, and I've seen him as who he is rather than as My Hero. I've seen that he's not perfect--yet emotionally, I love the idolization that I have for him. Another example is the lamebrain driver in front of me who won't move when the light turns green. They are ALL bad. Idiot either talking on the phone, fixing their bra strap, digging up their nose, too scared to move, or what the hell ever. It makes me just hate them and want them off the road, license revoked. Obviously that's an overreaction for just a few seconds of my inconvenience--yet emotionally, I'm ready to fight. They are ALL bad.

Intellectually, I know it can't be true, but emotionally I react to all or nothing thinking. And these are the standards I hold myself to, as well. Everything I do, every word I say, every sentence I write, I want to do PERFECTLY.

PERFECTLY. All or nothing.

And if I fail, it simply must be because I suck, I'm worthless, I should not be alive, I should be someone else. Intellectually, I know this can't be true. I'm human. I fail at times. We all do. But emotionally, letting myself down is devastating. And letting someone else down is a double-dose of devastation.

And emotionally, I'd rather be alone and lonely than to let someone else down.

All or nothing.

How does a person come by this kind of thinking, boys and girls? Anyone want to guess? It's in the first chapter of your psychology books. Let's turn to the page, shall we? Ah, there it is;

[img]"HYPERCRITICAL, DISAPPROVING, AFFECTION-WITHHOLDING PARENT"[/img]

See the scowl on her face? Hear the words she says to her child? Should language like that be used on a child so young?

She abandoned me for employment so she could afford to collect me later. That was noble, but all my child's mind knew was that she left us. So I was stuck with an absentee father and subsequently abused systematically by a neighbor. That doesn't set up such a great emotional foundation. So once I moved in with her, if Mom proceeded to be angry, yell at me, and say things like "You're just like your father!" whom she left and clearly hated, then how secure of a person do I turn out to be as an adult? And how much do I dedicate my mental energy towards being perfect and insuring that I never, ever EVER let anyone else down again? Especially another woman? Especially one that I love?

Because after all, she left us the first time because I was bad.

Didn't she?

Then my therapist held up one hand and said, "All". Then she held up the other and said "Nothing". Then she looked at the space between and she said, "There's a lot of room in there."

And whaddaya know. There is.

So, I'm learning how to live where most people do. In the space between All and Nothing.

What Alls A'Doing

(Originally 1/3/07)

Here we are in 2007. What's it all about?

People my age are remarking about how fast time is going by. I've been busy enough not to notice. I'm busy being wrapped in a fog of Heroism and just loving this aspect of human nature. This is the best part of ourselves; sacrifice, nobility, caring for the fellow man, wanting your human brother/sister be the best they can be and helping them do that. Bonding instead of rifting. Loving instead of hating. It's all so very Jesus, and yet it isn't.

Is it Subtle Jesus? Like, undercover Jesus sneaking into my life to improve it just because He loves me, and its more important to Him that I'm happy than it is that I succeed in finding another way to worship Him? Or maybe, in my observations of finding Him in the good times, I am worshipping him?

Whatever the explanation, I want to worship Him, and I get to feeling guilty whenever I find myself worshipping man rather than the Creator. So I look for the Creator's hand in what's going on, because I struggle with believing that man is good without Him. I believe in, and have seen too much evidence not to believe in, original sin. Most people in the world, if left to their own inclinations, will do something negative. That's why Heroes are so attractive. To see the "better angels of our nature" is like taking a fresh swig of air in a smoky room. We're so innundated with "the evil that men do" that any good deed is revered.

So hooray for heroes! Hooray for divinity and the possibility that God is at work, even if He's using someone in a superhero costume to do it. I love it. I want to be a better person, and I want to hang out with the same kind of people. I want to be lifted, and I want to lift others. It's what I went to Bible school for, it's what I thought I was supposed to be a preacher for, it's what I turned my education into a Counseling degree, and it's why I work in mental health.

I want us to be better.

We can be better.

Tonight's Sermon

(Originally Oct 18 2005)

Was from a South African (white) preacher. He seemed to be preaching from the perspective of someone tired of fighting overwhelming odds. The message that persisted the most was this; "Do Not Give Up Hope".

At first I said to myself and God, "Well, I haven't really given up hope. I bought new clothes yesterday and a pair of sneakers for more comfortable walking, and this morning I went to work, and I got two luxury listings in Brooklyn. So surely I hadn't given up hope?

But somewhere inside me, it feels like I have. It feels like I'm just doing the real estate thing out of stubbornness because I don't want to leave New York City, and I don't think I care too much if I rent anything or not. As long as I get to go where I went today (the high-end apartment has clear and breathtaking views of ALL of Brooklyn, Staten Island, and New Jersey, and the Statue of Liberty. It was reminiscent of the World's Trade Center towers, even though the apartment isn't a half as tall). Foolish, right? Spend all my money sightseeing.

It feels like I have no hope of regaining a full time job in mental health because I don't think I really want to do it anymore. I feel like I'm running out of coping mechanisms to give other people, or at the very least, I'm running out of the energy it takes to help people find their own coping mechanisms. Because it feels like I'm going to get drawn back into the grey sad world of persistent mental illness after all else fails, and therein will I plod for two weeks toward every paycheck, the first eight or ten I will be simply handing over to other people

Yet the message in church tonight was that God knows that I have given up hope. The preacher used Acts 27:20 and the verses following

"And when neither sun nor stars in many days appeared, and no small tempest lay on [us], all hope that we should be saved was then taken away.

"But after long abstinence Paul stood forth in the midst of them, and said, Sirs, ye should have hearkened unto me, and not have loosed from Crete, and to have gained this harm and loss.

"And now I exhort you to be of good cheer: for there shall be no loss of [any man's] life among you, but of the ship.

"For there stood by me this night the angel of God, whose I am, and whom I serve,

"Saying, Fear not, Paul; thou must be brought before Caesar: and, lo, God hath given thee all them that sail with thee."

So the preacher tonight, and the angel in Paul's narrative, emphasized that God had a plan for Paul and even took on the burden of Paul's mission which he sent Paul for. Under that kind of circumstance, the remedy of losing hope was to acknowledge that God was fighting the circumstances alongside you because He wants you; -needs- you to press on for the goal He has before you.

Meh. That's also a lot like Jonah in the whale's belly. Jonah had to go somewhere God wanted him to go, and the only way to get him there was to get him swallowed by a fish to transport him. In Jonah's case, though, he need Fishways because he was disobedient. So he didn't get any angelic warnings or admonishments while the seaweed was wrapped around his head. He had no opportunity to lose hope or anything. He just had to ride it out, whether he was happy or sad, scared or elated.

Yeah, that's where I think I am--in the belly of the whale, rather than the storm-tossed boat. And whether I lose hope or not, I feel like I'm going to have to do whatever God wants, come rain or shine.

At least He's interested.

When He Reaches Out--He REALLY Reaches

(Originally Sept 28 2005)

Last night I was flat out depressed. Flat OUT. The reality of going to NJ was more stark than it had been throughout this whole eviction process. One of my many outstanding credit card debt workers had expected me to send her some money this week, and I had planned on doing so because I had done so already. They had knocked off nearly a thousand bucks and did not send it to a collection agency so it was a sweet deal. But last night, I realized that I couldn't give up the very little bit I have in my pocket--what with needing to eat and amuse my sanity and whatnot. So I called her back and very responsibly (as opposed to ignoring her call completely) explained that I would not be able to fulfill the agreement we had begun. I didn't even have to fight back tears as I told her how I quit my Starbucks job in attempt to be a real estate agent and my impending eviction, and the need to keep every dime I had. She was a very nice lady and wished me luck. Then I put in a call to the NJ benefactor and left a message apologizing for missing him this weekend but that I would only need access to the place this Sunday, as that I already had help to move.

Then I curled up in the cradle of a rock in Central Park and tried to lapse into an irreversable coma. No dice.

So instead, I went to church! Yes, Times Square Church just happened to have had a service last night (and every Tuesday night). The music was lackluster--Brooklyn Tabernacle delivers EVERY time. However, the intention last night was for me to hear the sermon and get some boohoo time logged in at the altar. Little did I know, I'd be getting that boohoo time throughout the whole sermon.

First of all, this visiting preacher from Canada titled the message "Fighting The Dragon" Hello? Attention grabbed, thank you. Then he referred to Psalms as finding the answer to how you fight The Dragon, which, shockingly, was there.

Psalm 91
13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I [will be] with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

The preacher emphasized that out of all the promises God makes in how you will be able to trample this dragon, being shown His salvation will give you the power to accomplish victory in this battle.

Then this preacher broke down the nature of salvation, not for the newly converted or the visiting sinner, but for us old warhorses sitting in the seats, wondering if God will ever use us again.

This is what the man said--the MAN said salvation is described five ways in the Psalms, but I only remembered four of them. 1) God will consider you as Not Guilty. 2) God will tear up all the debt of sin you owe. 3) God will "defend" you, or Restore you. 4) God will return you to service. The man said so many of us come to God from a shame-based background, and we feel that we can never do enough to earn God's approval or love. Now folks, did I NOT get this revelation myself, upon creating this new blog? Yeh, I got the revelation, but it's been taking a while to sink in. But this preacher man last night---he NAMED it, you hear me? He directly blasted my SHAME-BASED background. Before I ever searched for salvation, my whole life had been securely buried under a mound of shame (what with the childhood sexual abuse and pre-teen exposure to pornography and whatnot--what? you don't know? Check out my last blog, June 16th entry.) So the legalist Christianity I started out with was PERFECT for me. Gimme a task to earn my slavation! I'm such a disgusting vile wreck of a human, I'll do ANYTHING to get forgiven! And so for nearly twenty years, I worked it. Stop listening to secular music? Check! No movie theatres? Got it! Date only Christians? Check! Church three times a week? How about if I go work with the pastor too? And attend church four or five times?! Who does God love NOW, buddy?! And if I were female, I'd also have wore only skirts and dresses, never cut my hair, wear no jewelry, no makeup. Whatever I could've done to make God like me, I would have DONE it!

Last night I was reconfirmed. Nothing I'm doing, good or bad, is getting God's love for me. He loves me because HE loves me. HE declared me not guilty--I didn't win the ruling by a preponderance of evidence. HE tore up my debt of sin--my new real estate gig didn't pay them off. HE defends me, restores me--HIS actions, HIS decisions. I've got nothing to contribute to that process.

And the nature of this salvation is thus; He wants to use me. Still.

It was my hope for significance. I was going to be a preacher and gain acceptance. Earn the respect of the white people in Missouri. Earn their love. All such a mistake. So many years gone.

But last night, I was reminded again that I got nothin'. I will be earning nothing. It's going to be God's show in my life, or it's going to be nothing.

Well, I'm All Stray-Y And Junk, But That's What I Made This Blog For...

(Originally Sept 13 2005)

...to drag myself back in case I strayed. And I strayed.

I haven't been to church in the last two weeks--ONLY. I could have gone early, and then boogie to work, but I wanted to sleep late instead and play CoH. There, I said it.

Now, I find thoughts of money preoccupying my mind more than my epiphanies or the holier pursuits of life. That's what not having enough will do to you. But being an actual human being and whatnot, I can bring my mind back into he direction I want it to go. (This, dear readers, is the nature of therapy, let alone religion and redemption.)

One of the last times I went to church, the senior pastor's wife preached, which I discover she does every afternoon. One of the school of religions from where I got my Bachelor's in Biblical Lit believes it is wrong to let women preach. When I met these people, I was stunned at how serious and aggressive they were on the matter. "Let no woman usurp authority over the man!" they quoted. I couldn't wrap my brain around that being in the Bible, and so was supposed to be the Law of God. But it did make me begin to take note of WHO was writing the verses, and WHERE they were, and WHAT their culture was at the time. I was told to do this within the course of studying the Bible, but those teachers were thought of as 'liberals'. In those days, I learned not to love debate anymore, nor value my ability to be "right". The struggle grew too painful as I watched how vehement and how terrifyingly different people's opinions were. Not to mention just plain nasty and wrongheaded.

Anyway, as I realized the preacher's wife had a regualr gig on Sunday afternoons, my mind drifted back to the old days of argument. What would some of my classmates think if they knew? Would they get up and walk out on her? Would they make complaint to the pastoral staff? Would they denounce the church's practice and make an open debate of it? Would they target staff and aim to destroy their careers, in the name of preserving the sacred truth of the Bible?

No, I'm not getting dramatic. This is how churches 'split'. I lived through such a split in my last days of the bachelor's degree. I'd never seen ugliness of that magnitude before then. The faith I had in people received wounds that have still not healed. I will elaborate one day.

Anyway, this is what coursed through my mind instead of concentrating on the preacher's wife's message. She had a good message, too, having to do with knowing who we were in Christ, and not letting ourselves remain defeated due to a misunderstanding of why God made us.

Another thing I find myself doing during a sermon is making corellations to therapeutic principals from their messages. So far, I have been able to see how religion/sermons are divine ways of addressing therapeutic needs. Or, conversely, how psychology takes a mundane approach to meeting the needs of the spirit of man. Either way, I just want to get my needs met. The only hangup I have about going the religious route is that the messenger of the message may wind up breaking my heart when I discover their feet of clay, and thus I might doubt their message. If I go to a secular therapist--well--they don't have to be perfect or even a nice person. I can accept a message better if there are no expectations of character placed on the messenger. I hold the message itself in value, rather than the messenger. (Strangely, I don't feel as thought I, as a therapist, can get off scott-free in MY character. In fact, most of my anxiety in BEING a therapist lies behind fear of presenting myself badly).

Mysteries of paradox....

Anyway, this entry is just freeform confession designed to force myself to realize that I could afford to get back to some Bible study and some church attendance. Thusly, I've played I Timothy while I've typed as a method of pro-activity.

Thanks for indulging me.

Oh M G

(Originally August 30 2005)

Sit down before you click on this link. And make sure you're wearing Depends adult diapers because you not gunna make it to the bathroom, honey!

I got the above link from This Website. This woman is an amazing writer. I recommend!

In other news...I barely realized that I stopped my Bible devotions. Time to get back to that. Thankfully, I don't hate myself for lapsing, the way I would have in the old days.

If Only Life Were This Simple

(Originally August 4, 2005)

[[A Psalm of David.]] LORD, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill?

He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart.

[He that] backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour.

In whose eyes a vile person is contemned; but he honoureth them that fear the LORD. [He that] sweareth to [his own] hurt, and changeth not.

[He that] putteth not out his money to usury, nor taketh reward against the innocent. He that doeth these [things] shall never be moved.

Psalm 15

The Bible has a lot more to say about what it takes to live righteously. In fact, there's an entire New Testament, what with the Christ and His sacrifice and grace and whatnot, (for those of who believe). The way I understand it, Grace and Christ makes being righteous a bunch easier because it's no longer what WE have to do, but it's all in what He did. At least, that's how I've heard it explained.

For instance;
"Rom 10:3 For they being ignorant of God's righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God.
Rom 10:4 For Christ [is] the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth. "

Yet it also seems that you have to do something too--you have to take an active part in trying to be righteous;
"Rom 6:18 Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.
Rom 6:19 I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness.
Rom 6:20 For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness. "

I'm going to trust that God has patience enough to let me figure out the whats and hows. Because, you know, He knows stuff.

The Bipolar King

(Originally August 2, 2005)

That's what I think about King David. I mean come on. King David fell in love-at-first-sight so hard that he had her husband sent out to the front lines of war so he could get killed, and David could have the wife. What kind of person does that, except someone with extreme personality swings.

I think that now as I continue my Bible devotions in Psa 6. He starts the Psalm off with a big ol' "WAH!". David, I'm all in, and think I'm as bipolar as you are/were.

"I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears. Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies."

What a drama king. But this is what I do too. That's why I blog to begin with. HEY!! The Psalms are King David's BLOG!!!! How cool is that?!

Psa 7:4 If I have rewarded evil unto him that was at peace with me; (yea, I have delivered him that without cause is mine enemy:)
Psa 7:5 Let the enemy persecute my soul, and take [it]; yea, let him tread down my life upon the earth, and lay mine honour in the dust. Selah.

Hmmmm....did he write this before or after he sent Uriah to die in order to snatch up the wife? Because I think I've singlehandedly discovered the cause of all David's troubles. He INVITED trouble in his life...to punish him for something he actually did. Uriah was a loyal soldier to David, faithful to his King! And what did his King do for his loyalty? Sent him to his death and bedded his wife. Clinton looks like a sterling prince of virtue compared to that!

The Seat Of The Scornful

(Originally August 1, 2005)

Have I been there?

I find people who complain that others have a lack of common-sense are really claiming that they corner the "common-sense market" themselves.

This is the thought I had when I overheard a woman on her cellphone today. I'd gone downtown to my favorite neighborhod and decided to camp out at the 72nd St & Broadway park, outside the subway station. It was in the shade of a building and a breeze was blowing, almost as an accompanying melody to the bass player plucking his strings for we assembled daytimers.

But that was just me, defending myself against her scorn by being scornful of her.

Don't we have any other methods of making ourselves feel good without tearing someone else down? Well, I dunno--it's awfully easy to shoot someone else down for their stupidities. But Psalms 1:1 says I'd be happier if I didn't do it.

Yesterday, Pastor Wilkerson suggested we read 5 Psalms a day. That was as good a place as any to restart my Biblical devotions. So the above is a reflection of Psalm 1. As for Psalm 2, it strikes me as some kind of war chant. No wonder President Bush wants God on his side.

"The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the LORD, and against his anointed, [saying],
Let us break their bands asunder, and cast away their cords from us.
He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the Lord shall have them in derision."

Thing is, I think this is referring to ALL the kings, not just the ones we don't like. I just think God is too big to be America's Pet Deity. I also think he loves the whole planet too much to pick sides.

Back in the day when the Psalms was written, yeah, I know he fought for Israel and smote their enemies left and right. But look around---He's not exactly burning down people with heavenly bolts anymore, is He? Why? Umm, a little thing called Grace and an advent known as the Messiah. Since Christ died, I think God doesn't have 'favorites' anymore.

*tap tap*

Is this thing on?

Psalms 3:7; This verse just made me laugh and laugh and laugh. The ancient Hebrews had their ways, that's for sure. I guess they saw busting up someone's dentistry was as good as any other Divine retribution.

When I was in Bible school, I had a friend who once asked me, "Do you think God put inspiration into the writers of the Bible, and they went off somewhere and penned, or did they sit with God and He dictated exactly, word for word, what to write?"

I still don't know the answer to that. Is it out there somewhere? Whichever the case might be, Psalm 3 is prefaced by saying it's a direct work of King David while he was running away from his crazy, murderous child Absalom. So while it is Bible and all, it's coming from David's mind, and that brings me back to gales of laughter. David sees God as the Breaker of Teeth!!

--wooooo! Lord knows I have too when just the right one pisses me off! I'd like to see God's backhand come swinging out of Heaven to bust up some costly bridgework!

Like say for instance, the cop who ticketed my car on a daily basis because I had not gotten it inspected by the due date, after I registered it in NY. Cost me thousands of dollars that I didn't have and eventually the thing is now rusting away in a tow pound in Brooklyn. Why didn't I get it inspected? Because it had a cracked window and three inspection people refused to pass it. So I had to replace the window. Add this; I'm phobic about spending great wads of money. I'd rather ignore a big expense than pay it. And hence, I now owe tens of thousands of dollars, instead of the few hundreds it would have cost to take care of everything in a timely manner.

My fears weren't helping me, I note belatedly. Someone hide the razor blades. (>.<)

Psalm 4 & 5;
This is why we have faith. Because when I consider the mistakes I've made (see the above) the only thing that keeps me from a four-story nosedive out the front window is the consideration that there is a 'bigger picture'. That it's acceptable I'm not getting it all correct, and even though my mistakes and fears lead to WHOPPER MULTI-THOUSAND DOLLAR CONSEQUENCES, it will work out eventually because someone else is working for my better interests. Someone I can trust.