Is there such a thing as bi-sexuality? Can we be attracted to both sexes, make whoopie with both men and women with equality?
When I fail with women, I say more glibly now than I ever thought possible, that I'm going to switch my orientation. As if this were possible. And I say it because I know that I find men attractive as well as I do women.
The facts are that women do this all the time. All. The. Time. For them, it's nothing to compliment each other. "Cyute shoes! LOVE your hair! Your butt looks so good in those jeans!" If we were socialized differently, men would be saying the same. But even though we don't express it verbally, I see it at the gym expressed non-verbally. The guys with the best physiques attract a lot of man-nods, eye-contacts, and "What's up"s. There's even a new verbal technique guys use to pay each other compliments. "Yo, dude, no homo, but that shirt looks cool on you." I say all this to acknowledge that we recognize what looks good in people of own own genders.
Now, what we do with that is the question.
I mentioned a little bit ago about a co-worker at one of my sites who told me she once had a girlfriend whom she lived with. No, I mean a real "we kissed and slept in the same bed" girlfriend. Then she met a guy in college and married him and had a son. Now she divorced that guy, but has married another guy. When she started relating to me past the "Hello" stage, she first asked me if I was gay and then went into all that history about herself. So ... is she a lesbian? Was she ever really? Is she a hetereosexual who had a same-sex season? Or is sexuality interchangeable according to your own tolerance?
That particular woman has been paying me compliments lately (she's still married), now that the coats and sweaters are coming off. She notices my thirty-pound weight loss and she likes it.
And can I tell you, I love it that she notices. I want to flirt back with her. She is tall and shapely, and I purposely resist complimenting her in kind because she is sexy as hell to me and I'm trying to be appropriate at my workplace.
And currently, I'm at another worksite where there are women everywhere, pushing the envelope of the dress code. There's a perky little honey to my left, and a luscious full-figure mommy who runs this place with the most adorable personality and face with freckles sprinkled across her nose, and then there's a slinky boomer chick with painted-on jeans and a coke bottle figure that makes me mistype everytime she walks by.
And what I'm very happy to say is that these women find me attractive as well. The way they smile at me and change their voice tone when speaking to me, and even giggle. To them, I'm a man of authority and some position, and I know that's attractive to women. But of course, for my own needs, I want to think I look good to them too. I want what I think is physically appealing on a man. Friday night, my "date" (who still hasn't responded to anything I've sent her) said "Oo, you clean up nice," when she first saw me in my tux. That was nice. (And I returned the compliment, but hindsight tells me I could've done so much more.)
And this is the area in which I exist. Craving attention and attraction, and terrified to follow up on it. Trying to content myself with my choices, yet coming here to expel the energy that builds up from not following through.
And on we go.
Edit, April 21st: My Friday Night Date (formerly known as Childhood Bud II) has responded. Seems my dread of her lasting impressions of me was just another drive-by from Worst-Case Scenario Man. She was just swamped with work. She had a good time and we're still friends.