When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Coming And Going

The Adult Hero, who I mentioned before, has signed off from his blog and bid everyone goodbye. He stated that he had finished his divorce and was helped mightily by all the commentors, so he thanked everyone and said he was moving on into dating, and he didn't want to blog about it.

So that's that with him and I wish him a happy life.

Then I realized that I had followed a link from his place to a blog from a 29 yr-old woman of color who lives in NYC. I had bopped by her place in February and was immediately chased away by her frank language and explicit lifestyle details. Yet, this was one of the exact things that made me want to stay at The Adult Hero's blog--the frank language and explicit details. Coming from a guy must have made it palatable to me. Coming from a female, a black one no less, made it seem scary.

That's totally my own baggage. What I want in a guy I totally freak out from in a woman. Guys, masculine and raw. Gals, demure, shy, kind. Viva la difference!

Having said that, I went on a full immersion into her blog. A disclaimer here and now; I have not fallen in love with said blogger, nor do I pine for her. Attracted, heck yes, but I know enough about me to know that I'd not last for a solid half hour with her. Not only would I be too unnerved to be my usual cool and witty self, but I wouldn't be enough of a man for her in the longterm. In fact, the kind of men she is attracted to (and currently in a four month relationship with, meeting his parents and whatnot) are the same type of men that I'M attracted to. And when I say "I'm attracted" to them, I mean what I always mean--I want to BE this type of man, I'm sexually inspired by this type of man, I idolize this type of man.

Anyway, what am I saying?

At the gym today, I saw for the second day in a row, a woman who looks very much like my ex-girlfriend. She is as short and as solid and athletic as my ex. And her face looks like my ex's face. This girl at the gym seems to have my personality too. She doesn't talk to anyone while she's about her business. Not being a chatty attention-sponge actually winds up getting my attention. That and she's one of about three black women I've ever seen in that gym since I joined last year, a distinction that she and I share. I wonder if she notices me?

But about 69% of my brain asks me what does it matter that I'm noticing her, and blogging about her? Blogging about the Gym Girl is like blogging about the Adult Blog Girl. I know I'll never communicate in a meaningful way to either. I'll never open up and invite them into my own life, and if I did, I know I wouldn't be enough for them to stay with me.

Poor pitiful widdle me. :D

But it's on my mind, and I blog, and so here it lies.

My opening line, "Why do I notice you lately?"

In my dreams.

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