Hello Blogger My Old Friend...

...I've come to talk with you again.

So about my D&D buddies, who I've left behind because of utter frustration and growing tension between myself and the Grim Jester, I've discovered some news. The guy who I once gave a lift to, who once canceled because Jester wasn't going to show up, still checks up on me once inna. Even though he prefered Jester's compnay over all of ours that days, he still wants to be a friend of mine and invites me over to see movies and all sorts of things that I keep declining--the way I keep declining going back over there in a group-friend capacity.

Because, really--it's not so much about the tensions between me & Jester, now is it? Or, actually, it's EXACTLY about the tension between me and him. Or more just about MY tension. He turns me on. Always has done. And he infuriates me too, because he won't stop being a misanthrope weirdo who scoffs at my profession and pretty much everything else in life. That was all covered in previous posts.

So the news I got through the grapevine is that Jester found himself another girlfriend. Through Match.com. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

And isn't it ironic?

Dontcha think?

A little too ironic.

Because, yes, he's successfully moved on from the death of his last girlfriend, which is great for him. And he's giving relationships another try. Which is also great. And he's successful again--which I thought was a longshot, given his crazy ways. But there's two things about this which makes me want to--need to post.

1) I continue to feel such jealousy toward the hetereo world. How nice and convenient and tidy how hetereos can date and find other other and hookup and be accepted, and be normal. Match.com. How very lovely for you. These guys in that group, they do date, yeh. Remember The Cop, another member of that group who I found to be a nice friend, affectionate and friendly? Serial dater. Never goes without a girlfriend, love interest, and at the very least, coitus. Little Italian sparkplug is what he is. And it's just so friggin disheartening to be in their company and watch them date, and make jokes about girls, and make fun of gay stuff (as hetereos do without nary a though) and sit there laughing and fronting as though I were one of them. When, once I actually was one of them. But now, I'm just nothing like them anymore at all. And that breaks my heart.

but

2) Like a fool, and I do mean an utter fool, I've been holding out hope that Jester is living a lie and is secretly gay (a power top if full definitions are to be used), and that the tension between us has always been sexual. That somehow my absence would have made him more fond of me, and that someday--and soon, I was going to make my confession to him and he'd just throw me to the bed and voila! Happy Homo Ending. Yeah. Meanwhile, he's been Desperately Seeking Susan, and of course, because he's all MAN, he found her.

So I'm so done with These Stupid Dreams. All these storybook fantasies that I've been pining away for. Ridiculous waste of my time and emotion. In the big dice game called life, when it comes to love, I crapped out.

But I have other things going for me, that I enjoy, and will continue to do so. No need to reserve energy for things I cant change or force to happen--I'm going to spend it on things that are fun, and wonderful, and make me laugh, and make me smile. Like comicbooks and friends who know I'm gay and don't care. Like controlling my weight and getting myself gorgeous for absolutely no one but myself. Listening to music that I adore. And making art for art's sake. And leaving a positive mark on planet Earth for when I'm no longer living on it, but enjoying my right nows in full succession until that day.

And that's what's going on.

I Am A 10th Level Master Conjurer...

... and 3rd Level Focused Specialist! Beware my wrath!!

So I'm currently sitting at the boardroom table of my gaming buddy's workplace in Manhattan. To my left is the geek buddy who arranges the Central Park get-togethers, and his sweetheart fiancee. At the end of this month, because of emigration hangups, he's going to move to Germany since she cannot live here. And we will lose him. To her. Inevitably we always do. I'm a little mad at her, but a whole lot not. Because the connection it would take to cause a metropolitan professional in NYC (read; middle class wage earner who can afford a $2100 rent near Central Park) to pack up and leave it all behind should be pretty awesome. I can only envy him the love he must feel for her.

Across from me is the buddy who's workplace this is. He's been married a year now. Across and to the right is our friend who is meeting an internet date tonight and so he'll be cutting it short. Another woman taking one of us away. He's divorced and no doubt more lonely than he wants to tell us. To his left is a younger player who is also a New York City professional. To my far right is the Dungeon Master. He's the second oldest guy here. He's also an urban black man who lends flavor to the text at rare times with urban slang. Dungeons & Dragons, Yo.

I'm the first oldest one in this room. I've been spending a lot of years escaping my circumstances. I'm perfectly happy doing so, and thus my real life goes on eventless.

I'm in a limbo of sorts. (Yes, my terminology is borrowed. To you from whom I have borrowed this from, please attend to my analogy.) I was sequestered away from the fear of coping with a same-sex attraction. Now I'm coping. Yet it's still safer to stay inside this limbo. It'll be a challenge to come out and face my feelings. A challenge to sideline or press through or incorporate my attractions for beef as I attempt a relationship with fish. So I've always rathered to stay inside limbo. I've said as much before in these pages. I'd rather be alone and lonely than take a woman's trust and her life, and destroy it with my fluid sexuality.

To say nothing of the sheer challenge of just saying hello! And just staying interesting for her. And being able to negotiate through disagreements. And her calling me an idiot sometimes. And me falling asleep on top or her by accident after I gets mines. And performing a thousand other horribly human things that will make me feel like an utter failure and an undeveloped child, and a fool.

Yeah, I've rather stayed in limbo all this time. But I can't stay here forever. And I guess that's what I look to you guys for. To David A Price, for instance, who adores his wife and occasionally drops hints or two on how he pleases her. Wedding pictures that he's shared with me make him look like a bear protecting a maiden. I'm looking for how I'll do the same.

So for now, fear my Orb of Force! No Spell Resistance, beeyotches!

Early Saturday Morning, after Fri Night D&D

On the way to the train, crossing 5th Avenue...

I know, right?!

Loose Threads

A. So I went to the convention on Sunday, having missed an entire day on Saturday, and all the get togethers on Friday. I regret nothing! I got the work finished on the audio series, and I had a good time on Sunday. I got to meet one of the other voices in podcasting that I'm fond of, and he really like dme too! He even left a message over at Geek Central saying that I was one of the highlights of his weekend! Which is NUTS. Because he was there for three whole days, he's in about a dozen of pics with other people (so he circulated well), he drank The Beer with many of his buddies. But he said putting face to messagers is always a treat for him.

So one day I will learn to stop selling myself short. You'd think I'd have done so by now, but it's still so surprising when I hear a sincere compliment from someone I myself admire.

I see myself going again next year. And this time, I'll go everyday and hang out at night. I can't say I'm bonded the way I am with the other guys, but it will be a nice getaway that I look forward to.

B. I haven't asked my DnD buddy for Irish Girl's number yet. I just can't get past the Terribles. (Those are the weapons that Worst Case Scenario Man uses against me.) I can't stop leaping ahead to the horrible conclusion of another attempt gone wrong. And if you think it's frustrating to read my utter cowardice, try being an utter coward.

C. That Man from my religious past has had a series of busy weekends that has prevented us from getting together and having my beans spilled all over him. But he has called me once to report this, and he still plans on me doing so. The good news is that now I'm redefined, and I don't have to tell him the thing I was going to tell him. His is a bridge that I don't think I'll have to burn now. I won't be giving him fantastic news of my continued religious success, but I also won't be heaping up challenge after challenge to he ability to cope with the changes in my life. The way I anticipate it now, I'll give him a lot of things to pray for, and maybe we'll weep together, and I'll get more hugs from him. But I'm not going back to our church. That's for sure.

I think that's all of them. Remind me if I've left something unsaid...

The Thing I Didn't Tell About...

...so, on Labor Day, I got a surprising invite from one of my NYC DnD-playing buddies, who has been absent for weeks because he's learning the language of his new fiancee's homeland. This love stuff. Oi what it can make you do.

He invited me to a frisbee-throwing leisure event at Sheep's Meadow, which is this big lawn in Central Park where the sunbathers worship Sol for every ounce of carcinoma they can sacrifice. I've never been attracted in the least bit, except for all the gorgeous bodies awash in tanning lotion, which can number in the hundreds on a weekend. It's like Manhattan's equivalent of a beach.

So I met him first, and then these other people from other walks of his life. Two guys and a girl. The guys were endearingly average. Good senses of humor, pot bellies, non DnD players, NYC professionals living on the island, awkwardly still single, good $$ earners. Then comes the girl.

The girl is Irish. Like my friend who invited me. The girl has brunette hair and blue eyes. The girl has an Irish brogue. The girl is captivating to me. So there's the five of us on a blanket, awash in athletic men and women and I'm talking to the Irish Girl. Learning her profession and she's learning mine. And I distinctly feel an exclusivity going on. Out of the five people on this blanket, three of us guys are single, two of which are white and one of which is also Irish (only Americanized, third generational). But here we are, me and her, chatting up a storm.

The other two already know her, and so I see they didn't need to jump into the convo, but I still felt awkward, so I applied the brakes and addressed them as I had done before she arrived fashionably late. However, they went scarpering off to some event, leaving the party planner, me and the Irish Girl behind.

Cutting to the chase is that I enjoyed the Irish Girl. When, however, we three got up to leave I went utterly superficial. She was a bit taller than me. Slumped a bit. She walked like a rugby player. But then, as opposed to the greeting (a nice safe handshake) she hugged me goodbye. And when I said, "we have to get together another time!" she responded "Definitely!"

Well, before I blogged about it, I texted the party planner and asked him if Irish Girl was single. And he said yes, and did I detect a vibe? And I said I thought so, and was I being foolish? And he responding aren't we all, and how did I want to arrange this.

And I froze up. But I did tell him that I had to consult my advisors.

Yeah, that's you guys.

The Party Planner knows nothing of all this bisexuality going on up in here. With him and the other gang, I play a 12th level wizard with high stats in Strength, Dexerity, and constitution. That means he's a hunk. So I play him like one. Like a arrogant, powerful, exhibitionist wizard. I have him doing calisthenics in only a loincloth in the AMs when we travel. The DM has seen fit to pander to my posturing by having a longterm woman enter the campaign and allow my character to get shtupped on the regular (until he threw a massive spanner into the gears, as DMs are wont to do). But the point is, I roleplayed a very masculine guy, and entered the shoes of the kind of person I wanted to be, and had/have a great time doing it.

So the Party Planner has that kind of general impression of me (because I am a bit hunkish, if I do say so myself, and Party Planner said I have a great voice). And in the back of my mind, I think he may have even set up the meeting for the sake of his single Irish friend and I bit in, hook and line, with the sinker trailing closely along my flank as I try swimming for safer waters. So possibly this girl might have been sold a bill of goods fraudulently.

And my Tribe, I know what you're already going to say, and I love you for it.

But tell me anyway.

To date or not to date?

My Inner Geek

The passing of Gary Gygax has brought out the most wonderful and inspirational stories of early geek life across the internet from bloggers and audio-adventure peers. So I knew I'd be sharing mine sooner or later--I've just never really exposed my geek side here as much as I have in all points around the net. This is kind of the place that I come to try to face reality, actually.

But since I've decided to give up on love, I might as well show the fullness of my inner geek here too.

On Friday nights, I am an 11th level Master Conjurer, ala D&D 3.5 Prestige Class rules. I look forward to the chance each week to become this wizard like Q looks forward to Fringes. The name I chose for this character is the same name I first chose when I played my first game of D&D back in the early eighties. In addition, back then, that wizard had a pseudodragon familiar that I was able through the present rules to duplicate the wonder for my Friday night wizard to also have a psuedodragon. I bought a stuffed dragon so when we play, I could role play in earnest by having 'my' dragon perched on 'my' shoulder.

But slightly before I played D&D, it was me and CHILDHOOD BUD, just the two of us, playing Tunnels & Trolls!! Off my head, I dunno who made that game up, but it was like D&D lite. I devised these wan torture chambers for Childhood Bud to pace his characters through, as I tried to pop them off one by one. He and I, two black kids in a black neighborhood, hidden away in his bedroom like aliens trying to rebuild our jumpdrive so we could get the hell back to our home planet.

Then came junior high school and me trying to date DeeDee and failing miserably, and being way too in with my friend-girls to the point where my Jr.High peers (such that they were) were asking if I were gay, and my friend-girls were trying to encourage me to go spread my wings in the dating scene, and I was using fundamentalist Christianity to hide my absolute terror of sex--one day afterschool were a group of kids playing D&D at a lunch table. Well, I knew a little about it from me and Childhood Bud's forays into T&T, so I asked, and they invited me, and down I sat. Possibly the first black D&D'er in all of Spring Valley.

Oh God, such fun times. And while I tried to be the absolute best Christian the world had ever seen, I still played D&D. It was during these days that I met the lad who would grow up to become My Friend The Doctor. Eventually our guiltmongering pastor pressed my conscience into believing that God hated me if I kept playing, so I burned all my D&D books and stayed away for about a decade. Went out to Missouri to become a preacher, in fact. (With My Friend The Doctor following close behind). When it all started going pear-shaped in Missouri, and My Friend The Doctor finding his true love and growing up faster than I have yet to achieve, I'm sure something inside me said "F*CK IT." I went back to roleplaying games.

Through the One Guy who I played with WAY back in at the Junior High school lunchtable, I learned of a Westchester, NY (yes, where Charles Xavier teaches mutants. Well--taught mutants. Until he took a bullet to the melon. Ooops. Spoilers.) group that I would sit in on and play pickup characters whenever I visited NY during the summers. This was me coming back with a slice of humble pie and saying, "Hey I know I dumped you for God, but I want to play again." One Guy and his friends let me in. Out of that group I met Grim Jester.

When the Missouri days finally ended and I landed in Trenton, I became a full on player with the Westchester group. We still play to this day--but only every three weekends or so because they all "have lives". Whatever. Back then, I also started a group in Trenton NJ by trolling the yahoo forums for any takers, because my Westchester homies weren't coming fast enough with my drug. In Trenton we played for a good few years until I made my first move into NYC (and started my first blog). Then in NYC I found another group through One Guy (again) because he had moved on from the Westchester group (I didn't).

So now I play with the Westchester folks and the NYC folks.

In NY; this is how we do it--
This is the boardroom of one of our players in his midtown Manhattan workplace were we meet. That's my computer and its' wallpaper. Yes, that's My Hero on my computer.



My miniature, representing my Master Specialist (Conjurer), is the second from the left. You will see the very much smaller mini which represents my pseudodragon. I bought the stuffed dragon because I kept forgetting that I had the 'dragon to use.



These are my dice. The multicolor 6-sided ones have among their number dice from back in my Jr. High days. Yes, I spread them out like this often, and group the multi-sided ones together, because I like to look at them while there is downtime. Because they're pretty.

Yes, I am actually QUITE the geek. I've been a geek longer than I've been anything else, except black. Longer than I've been a Christian, in fact.

Good thing I've given up on love! Because now seeing my Inner Geek from the outside looking in, I'm quite sure I'd have never gotten a woman anyway.

Well, who cares!? I've got my psuedodragon!!

So What Is This D&D We Hear So Much About?

(Originally June 22 2006)

Here ya go!
I discovered this from the Springfield, Missouri gaming podcast that I mentioned below. At RPGMP3.com they started the World's Largest Dungeon last year and have since finished. They have 40 sessions which they say took 2 years to finish, and most of the sessions are divided into 2 parts.

But here's the big bonus--they are in England!! Thus, just listening to them talk is the megabiggitybombdiggity. But they don't just talk--they joke, they flirt, they pun, and they do voices (Dwarven wizard is made unique by having a Scottish brogue which goes German when he interrogates his foes).

This is you getting to be a fly on the wall of a gaming group. If you want to know what its all about, then Hear Ye, Hear Ye.

On A Lighter Note

(Originally June 18 2006)

...as much as I slam Missouri, I found myself unusually nostalgic when I discovered this podcast. It's about D&D, through which I live a satisfactory fantasy life (in lieu of the 'real world'), and it also is created in Springfield Missouri, where for 4 years I lived, worked, and got my Master's degree. On the Dragon's Landing website, they use a Frappr to map where they and they're listeners live. Emery Ezell lives within walking distance of where I used to live.

I found myself remembering the small bigtown feel of that place. According to the map, the city is huge, but it's blocks and blocks and blocks of houses, shot through with wide highways and stripmalls galore, petering out to bigger houses as you go to the outskirts, (as well as cows), until suddenly, you're out in farm wastelands traveling single highways toward the horizon and the next town.

Anyway, I might just add a link to them. They're a good ol' pair of fellas and they managed not to have southern or western accents, although they do say "Whenever that I went to the mall..." and at the second I heard it, I should'a known where they were!