When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Thursday, May 29, 2008

MT Detroit--And They Lived Happily Ever After

Mike, My Adult Hero, has decided to go offline. His blog began when he was torn apart by doubts and fears from his wife who was giving all the signs of being unfaithful. When it all hit the fan, Mike reached out to we readers for support, and so many came through for him. Tonight, Mike has a new fiancee and a baby on the way. He's no longer "Starting Over"-- He's "Doing"

He asked me to post the following message for him. I think he'll probably read this afterwards, so if you'd like to give him your well wishes, feel free to use this comments section.

Hi guys,

I asked Alan to post this. If you go to my site you will see it is gone. I am leaving blog land for good. That can't be much of a surprise to anyone. I am rarely online anymore. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone of you and what you did for me to get me through the dark times.

I gave B the ring Sunday. She told me it was the best date she has ever had and could ever have. Leading up I told her that we were going to have a day long date, but gave her no clue what that meant. I wrote poetry for each part of the date before hand with a sketch that I drew of rings printed as a background on the paper. The poetry told her what were about to do and how to dress. I also mixed stanzas about how I loved her. Each letter she got had a different ring background progressing towards the final ring.

The first letter she got told her that we would be going to park and to dress casual. I picked her up at 11:00 and we had lunch in the park and fed the extra food to the ducks. After lunch I gave her a letter telling her we were about to get naked with other people. I scheduled a couples massage at a spa. It was really relaxing, and intimate. After the massage was over and the masseuses left the room we made out a bit while getting our clothes on. HOT! We went back home changed into jeans and she got another letter. We drove out to the country for horseback riding. Horseback riding does nothing for me, but she loves horses. The next letter told her she was too dirty and to go home, take a shower, and put a dress on. By then it was dinner time and I drove her to an expensive restaurant. When the meal was done I gave her the last letter. It had the 3D computer image of the ring in the background. It ended with "so look me in the eye and hold that pose, so that I know that it is time propose". When she looked at me I saw a tear. I kneeled down and recited one last poem that I wrote and memorized. I then gave her the ring. She gave me a huge hug and said yes of course. Several tables started clapping. It was fun. After dinner I took her to see a band at a smaller venue. Then home. Sex was sweet that night ... and the next morning.

The baby is doing great. B is 5 months pregnant now and really starting to show. I think she is beautiful even if her butt has grown a bit. We are not sure what to name the baby. I like Riley but it is Irish and neither of us are Irish. B likes Cecilia, but I am not sure about it. B's family is from Argentina so a Hispanic name would fit. What ever name the baby ends up with she should be here October 1st. I am really excited. We have been buying a bunch of pink stuff for the baby!

I am moving in with B in the next month. I have already been packing. I think there may be some challenges B and I must cope with after I move in. The house really isn't big enough for all of my stuff. And it will be a huge change having my 2 kids and my 2 dogs trying to share the space with B and her daughter. B and I will make it through though. I am sure of it.

Jason, and Brandon, or whatever I was calling my kids, are doing great. They seem to be really well adjusted to all this stuff that happened. I haven't had any major issues with them in 6 months at least. They are excited to be moving to B's, and are excited to get a baby girl.

The wedding is set for June of 2009. We will be getting married near an amusement park in Ohio. There will be a bunch of kids at the wedding so we will have a fairly informal fun wedding and reception followed by a water park excursion that day. The next day everyone will explore the roller coaster park. Of course B tells me that if everyone is busy doing that stuff that we can escape to the room and explore each other. We are probably going to honeymoon in Belize. Some of the adventure honeymoons there look awesome!

I am still playing soccer every week. I am actually becoming a very good defender. My team doesn't like when I come off the field because the other team normally doesn't score while I am out there. I am also still mountain biking. Biking is fun! I haven't been running as much. Every time I do I get serious knee pain. In late June I am going to enter a duathalon with trail running and mountain biking. I've been training pretty hard to get ready for it.

My ex is being a complete bitch again. She is hostile about everything these days. I don't like seeing her or talking to her. For the most part I try to forget she exists. I need to get my stuff out of her house. I WANT MY TOOLS BACK! Divorcing her was the best thing I ever did for myself. I wonder sometimes why I waited so long. I really can't say that I wish I never married her. I wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't. My kids are awesome, B is awesome, and I am very happy.

Well I guess that sums up where I am today. I hope everyone out there in blog land gets there dreams fulfilled! Thank you for being there and supporting me.

... And finally go have some incredible sex tonight ... you deserve it!!!! (no excuses, you can have it with yourself if you have to!)

Rock On!


Here's Something I Didn't Know...

...you can reject another Match person without sending an e-mail or a form letter at all! Last night I saw that Match Girl III had been to my profile, and this morning under her picture on the "My Connections" page (where a collection of all the girls I'm interested in reside) it simply said "she's not interested" and then a clickie that said "Remove her". So I removed her.

*initiate coping mode*





I got nothin'


Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Back Onto The Bike

I found a profile on Match that knocked me over and I was compelled to send an e-mail. So here we go again. Everybody send your best thoughts my way for me and Match Girl III!

Monday, May 26, 2008

*Commencing Relax Mode*

Yesterday I got my 30 day prescription. My little orange CVS bottle sits above me in front of my Tazo tea boxes with its easy-to-read label, telling me that I take meds. And just in case I wasn't entirely sure, I have the last two weeks to prove it.

It leaves a strange metallic taste in my mouth in the mornings, but my days are filled with a whole lot less stress. I still walk among the living with the feeling that I am one of them. Last night I went to the karaoke bar and didn't hesitate one time before I went up the steps. There was absolutely no pulse of fear. Unfortunately, the bar crowd had not come yet and the place was empty. They priced me out of having a solo booth--now you have to have three people and the cost is like $20/hr. But I'm going to try again sometime when staying out late won't be tragic for my next morning's routine. I want to see if this new 'no fear Alan' still has the sense that God gave a goose. Or if it makes me not care at all that I make an ass of myself before total strangers.

Speaking of making an ass of myself, apparently the meds do not prevent me from assuming the worst when my friends go through periods of mysterious silences. Worst-Case Scenario Man has not been stopped by the meds. He just doesn't paralyze me as much as he used to. I'm still capable of worry. I just don't feel the worry in my gut anymore. And that's the part I like.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

On Annoying Friends...

As an aside, I noticed that this title is a psych test. How many read it as "On The Friends That Annoy You..." and how many read it as "On Becoming Annoying To Your Friends..."

Unfortunately, I'm guilty of the latter. I've stated somewhere in the millions of words of my blog(s) that I would do almost anything, anything at all, to prevent folks from getting mad at me. I've mentioned how crumbly in the guts I go when I've garnered someone's disapproval. And how, when it comes to a relationship that I may one day be blessed to become one half of, if my partner were to blast me with something harsh, or a particularly biting critique, it would unseat me for a while. Unseat me as a partner, as an equal, and as a man. That's just how disgustingly fragile it seemed that I was. It made my concerns focus on the possibility that I couldn't be in a relationship at all.

Well, I thought I had made some headway in this area. I thought handling the rejection from Match Girl-I was a banner success. However, I realize now that Match Girl-I's rejection wasn't given as anything disapproving or harsh. There was no fight. So I could accept it. And in not being a fighter, I let her go, easily.

But I find that I'm still vulnerable to disapproval and rejection. I find it still feels like I've been turned over and all the worms and bugs have been uncovered, and everybody around me is reeling back in disgust and scorn.

So what happened was that I annoyed a friend. I went too far and pushed a boundary that I should not have done. So I got my hand slapped.

And that's it really. Nothing more dramatic than that (I hope), even though it feels like I've committed something much worse.

So the lesson I have to learn is that annoying someone is not the same thing as being declared as an eternal enemy, rejected forever, never to be appreciated or loved again. It's a lesson in direct contradiction with how I was raised, so it's a lesson that I have to continue to struggle with. Everyone is not my mother. People can get mad at me and still want me around.

I'll learn that.


And that's all I'll say about that.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Am I Still Okay?

Today is the start of my higher dosage of the meds. Last week, I found that the days looked brighter. The sunny days were, like, REALLY sunny. Even the rainy days were bright, and the rain seemed like agents of change, washing the streets clean. (Having an umbrella helped.) I'm going to say that was because of the meds.

This weekend passed with a trip out to Westchester to hang with that crowd of D&D'ers, without the D&D. We just played a card game and riffed on each other throughout. Grim Jester showed us his feet again, repeatedly. I let the girl of the group touch me, which she usually threatens to do, but never does. I think she's reacting to the knowledge that I'm "dating" again. (I haven't told them all that I've stopped.)

I also got some more work done on the audio series, (for the readers who are concerned about it).

And I spent a little time out in the streets again, this time as someone who was not dating again anymore (as opposed to someone who "cannot/is terrified to" date). I was definitely not feeling as alien as I usually do. I didn't feel as though all the families and hand-holding couples, as well as the smoochers on the Number 1 train, were a part of some foreign tribe that I could never join. So that's a definite improvement that I think the meds are making.

What has not changed is the love I feel toward you guys who come by here and help me with encouragement. I do mean tears-stinging-the-eyes love. I've grown so needy in my old age, and every second you guys spend to bother writing me anything at all is like food. Dawn, Karma, & Sol--I'm putting this here instead of the comments of last post. And of course Scott, who feels like my big brother (by eight days), or my college roommate, or that guy that guys have who they can cry into the shoulder of when no one else is around. Thank you for caring about me, buddy.

But I ask myself the question, am I still okay. Well, I'm hanging in there. I have a better sense of well-being. I don't sense any romance in my life on the horizon, but I feel a lot less desperate about it. I'm not running back to Match, but my finances have taken a big hit from paying my deductable and rental fees while my car was being repaired. Plus, I want the full effect of the meds before I try again. And I'm not even that worried anymore about what my clients would think if they discovered just how unconnected I am to the experience of coupledom. I care what they think, but I'm not worried.

So in all, I'm still okay. And I still need every one of you. :-)

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Brush-Off

Yep. I got my walking papers from Match Girl-I. She said she had a good time on our dates but she wanted to keep meeting other people, then wished me luck on my search.

*initiate coping mode*

Honestly, she sent me the proper signs and made it apparent that, as quoted, "She's Just Not That Into Me." She would have contacted me far more than she did, otherwise. And, just as apparently, I was not as into her either, else I would have called her after this Sunday passed, and I hadn't.

Well, that's taken care of.

Dreams and giddy aspirations aside, I'm glad to take another break. This is where I'm more comfy. Maybe after I'm a month into the meds, I'll have the whatever it takes to try again.

Or maybe I won't.


I'll still be okay.

I'm okay now, in fact.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Red Or The Blue?

Just came from my general practitioner with a starter pack of meds and one of them is swimming in my bloodstream as we speak.

I'm looking very forward to putting a stake through Worst Case Scenario Man's heart.

I'm told two weeks from now, I should see some changes. "Take the edge off" is the phrase.

I will definitely know if there's a difference, let me tell you. And I will.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

2nd Date, Various States Of Ennui, And Becoming "The Guy"

Well it seems my girl is a phone-o-phobe.

Teehee. I said "my girl".

We had another date today, arranged last night after a hard-won, quick and brief phone chat.

It was hard-won because she called in the afternoon yesterday, close to the "when" of my comment response to the last post, wherein I wrote that I was a bit disillusioned. What I didn't know was that I was a lot disillusioned. I pledged to you guys I'd keep my options open, but I was emotionally moving on to Match Girl-II. And also, I was feeling the Call of the Sedate luring me back to my normal life of aloneliness. Back to the familiar ennui, the safer well-traveled ground. When she then called, I didn't want to pick up the phone.

And I did not.

I let her leave a message. And still, I did not want to hear it.

I had grown not just disillusioned, but disenchanted. Literally no longer enchanted by the idea of first dates, and beautiful eyes, and amazing smiles.

So I called MFTD about the meds. I asked him if they would help me whenever my mood took this kind of plummet. Whenever these slight derails of my enthusiasm turned into a fullblown trainwreck. His advice was priceless and he made me realize that I don't have to wait for a psychiatrist to get my meds. That my regular practitioner will prescribe them. So I'm going tomorrow to get started on something.

And he urged me to listen to the message and go on a second date. He could hear in my voice that I was 'moving on' and he knew I needed an intervention. He's been there, you see, for each of the women I've moved on from in the past. Each of them. He's my best friend, so of course he knows. He even made me promise to call him back after I listened to the message.

It was she, making plans for Sunday based on my last message, and opting out of a Saturday get-together (letting me off the hook from my not-wanting-to-ness yesterday anyway).

"Yesterday Anyway". I like that.

A few hours later I called her--and had to leave another message! About an hour after my message, she called again--and I picked up.

We actually spoke to one another!!! However, her reception was breaking up, so she just got the message out to the specifics of today's date, the where and the when and so forth.

So today we had a pleasant time, and when I asked if she (or any of us Matchedeers) usually date more than one at a time, she discouraged the idea. She said that she wasn't doing it, at any rate. And when I indicated that I wasn't inclined to do more than one at a time as well, she said "that's good" with the ever so slightest coyness of smiles.

That's why I started off this post by thinking in terms of "my". If we exclusively date, then she's "mine" and I'm "hers". What we exactly are to each other is not quite clear.

At its most innocuous, she's a woman used to her solitude and her routine. She's madly successful at her career, which my ego is handling fine so far since I have been able to pay for our meals. So maybe, she doesn't need the kind of social contact that me in my sappy old age, has come to want. Which means that I might be doing most of the reaching out, should we progress along in the exclusive way. And that possibly I won't need to get a Bluetooth for the indepth, running-commentary phone conversations that I was gearing up for.

And too, I'm wondering just when will I get to hold her hand. When, at a dinner table, I get to idly kiss her wrist and just nuzzle on it for a bit. When do I get to hug her from beind and fill up my arms with her. When do I get to smell the back of her neck, under her hair? When do I get to make her squee with my beard on the nape between her shoulder and jaw?

I'm learning there are no hard and fast rules to all this stuff. But I can't help but wonder.

I'm thinking we need to go out dancing for the third date. Go somewhere fun. Introduce some passion up in this piece.

Look at me all manly an' stuff!

Yeah, this is what I want to be.

I want to be The Guy.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Physician Heal Thyself...

So, I called her on Monday. Left a message. She calls me Tuesday, leaves a message. I call last night. Left a message.

Now I post.

Is something a little off-balance here?

If I were my own client, I'd have to say something seems amiss. God in His Heaven knows I'm not a phone junkie. But I want to communicate more than this. Even if she is on a business trip, doesn't she go back to the hotel at night?

And let's not forget that nice two week stretch when she left me hanging in the breeze lamenting my geek reveal (which I shall never lament again).

Long story short, I'm not feeling Match Girl-I quite as much as I did before. Aside from self-doubt and whatever else, isn't it just a bit rude to leave a person hanging for days and not a peep? No email, no nothing?

So. I wrote to a Match Girl II. This one already knows what Adult Swim is.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Did I Call Her?

Yesterday at my lunchtime I called her. Like 45 minutes after I commented that I would under yesterday's comment section. It helped to actually commit in type that I would.

She didn't pick up, so I left a message. "Thanks" and the like. A query on the rest of her week and weekend availability. (I love voice mail. Hit and run!! Talking to a machine means I can say whatever I want with no immediate repercussions.)

Then I waited. All day.

And night.

And day again.

About the time that I was heading in to the offices for therapy this evening, I was thinking how little I was enjoying this part of the experience. I was thinking how I'm the girl of this "relationship" wondering "Why haven't you called me?" Thinking that Match Girl's decided, obviously, that I'm really not her cup of tea. That I did something wrong, or just, not right. That I'd seen the last of that smile. I contemplated my reaction to my silent phone. I chided myself for the childishness inside that made me want to say, "EFF it. Never again!"

I threw myself into my first client and the therapy that presented itself. Made some real great headway. Client just all full of insight. Loving not being my normal self and actually being A Therapist. (You can't imagine what the presenting problem was. I'll never tell, but it was something that I struggle with, and there we were, my client and I, finding solutions for the both of us. It was great.)

My 2nd client is magical. I expect that client to one night retrieve a staff from some hidden dimension and whisk me away to the land of enchantment, making the reveal that they are actually a wizened magician sent to our existence to find a new champion to defeat Lord Foul's 4th attack on The Land.

In the middle of that 2nd session, my phone vibrated. Match Girl's name highlighted in the screen.

Both sessions done, listening to her message in the street on the way back to the train, I'm literally skipping. I want to Flashdance in the street. On my toes like the street is burning.

Her phone was on vibrate, came the reason. She hadn't checked her messages until this evening. Her weekend is open. She wants to do something else with me. What that will be, I don't know. (I had to leave another message in response--we're a busy set of buggers, ain't we?).

But yeah, she wants to.

Means she liked me.

Likes me.

Likes me.

So that's alright then!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

May 4th. Remember This Date. Literally.

(Original Blondie Site) You must read the strip first. Oddly, it came out today.

It was bright olive green, actually. It matched my shirt. I'm sure the color wasn't called "bright olive green," but it was. It was beautiful. So was her sweater. And so was she.

She had that smile. The same smile. Only in person, it was ... better. Dimples!!

You all came with me, you should know. I took pictures up until the meeting because I knew I was going to tell you and I wanted you to see where I had took you.

First, I showered, shaved, trimmed my moustache and decided to take a picture to show you what I decided to wear.
I was so nervous I couldn't stop shaking the camera.

After about four blurries, I caught this one, while considering leaving my shirt untucked.

I thought better of it and tucked it in. Me and my belly headed out.

On the subway, a little girl was on a date with Batista. She had him, and other of his wrestling buddies in the palm of her hand. It was easy to see how that date was going to turn out.

First I hit a Kinkos for lamination of the bookmark.

Then a few blocks closer to Fate Central, there was a flower store.

Pretty right? and the flowers too! (Oh, my favorite neighborhood!)

So then getting closer to Fate Central I figured why not combine bookmark and flowers?

I entered Fate Central and staked out a seat. I had a view of the whole store. I'd see her before she saw me. It felt unfair, but either I have that advantage or wet myself. After a few minutes I went and got a comicbook graphic novel to read. Then I decided not to be sitting there reading comics when she arrived. The bookmark was enough to lay on her for today.

And then.


She arrived. She recognized me. She came to the table. She smiled that smile.

I got to my feet and I decided, "one chance at this..." So I kissed her cheek.

And I could not stop staring at her. I felt like I was doing the "therapist gaze" on her. Just watching every word tumbling out. Watching her bat her amazingly clear and deep brown eyes. I stared so hard, I could tell she was wearing contacts. Not color-contacts. Just clear. But I could tell. That's how hard I was looking. I had to consciously turn away at times for fear of giving her the creeps.

It's just that ... well, clearly her pictures were from less ... attentive times? Or it's just that the camera is CRAP for capturing the real person! And I did my best, my BEST in not gushing over her. And I succeeded. The most I said about her, to her, was that this was working out AMAZINGLY well for me. And re: her last relationship--that I wasn't mad that they were no longer together. I didn't want to seem like a leering pervert concentrating only on looks, so I didn't say anything about them. Except that I couldn't. STOP. staring.

But my God. This woman is amazing-gorgeous. Shockingly. I want to stare in her eyes some more. I mean right now.

I could go on and on, but really. When would I stop?

I'll tell you as much as you may want to know, within respect to her anonymity. Just ask.

Here, I'm just in a fog and have no idea what has just happened. The date was successful?!? How'd that happen?!? I have her PHONE NUMBER RIGHT NOW?!!? WHAT?!!?

Tell me when I should call her again! MFTD says Tues. His wife says tomorrow. I want to call her right now.

Right NOW.

I'd better watch last night's Doctor Who and try to relax...

I have her phone number!!!

So Much For Normal...

T-Minus three hours and 45 minutes. And counting.
When I told My Hero about this date, I told him the circumstances and he gave me an AWESOME idea, which reminded me why he's My Hero. So here are pics of what I'm bringing to the date.

This is based of the following;
1) My geek side that I can/will not hide
2) She asked to meet up based on my asking her to show me the pics of her trip
3) This is the standard uniform of Xavier's Academy where dwelleth mutants;

So now I'm excited, if only to see this girl's expression when I show it to her. Even if she bursts out laughing, I feel great about how good this idea was, and that I made a nice picture again after years of not drawing. In Geekdom, there is comfort.

Minutes ago, my boss called me to tell me that a client in my day job passed away this morning. This client was a guy who was in an activity I was involved in called "The Couples Group." Don't think the irony was lost on me. Many a time I headed towards the meeting thinking, "WTF am I doing?" The client always came with his girlfriend, if not wife (I was never too sure, but they were that old and that close). They both rode wheelchairs and had a hard time speaking due to their disabilities. There wasn't much they could do physically, but they could express their devotion to one another. He was the most vocal one of the group and he made the best sense. He'd say things to the others that I couldn't say because he was in a relationship and I wasn't. Of course, I wouldn't tell anyone this because I was one of the group facilitators, but I often looked at him and thought, "Dude. If with all your challenges, you could find love and keep it, then surely I should try."

Now he's passed away and here I am trying. Dennis, this one's for you my friend.

PS; When I cut it out and laminate it, it becomes a bookmark.

T-Minus Six Hours, Seven Minutes And Counting

Last night I went to see "Iron Man" with my Westchester Geek Squad. These are friends that like to meet up every two weeks for D&D, but sometimes misses, and it might end up being a month between get-togethers. Somehow, we're very connected. I've known the Girl of the Group longer than I've known MFTD--and that's about 20-25 years. Grim Jester is a part of this group, and he was the one who helped me move when I was evicted. He has shining moments of blazingly loyal friendship, but usually he's a miserable human who finds the good in very little (and even HE liked this movie). He challenged me once on how to have a friendship, and I'd adopted it--which served him very well when I was ready to dump him.

The movie was great. I highly recommend! Sitting in the theater, I realized how fast today was coming on me and I wanted to run screaming. In the middle of friends and geekdom. I felt so miserably afraid. It was like the seconds before the plane takes off, or the rollercoaster crests the apex of the first drop. My brain screams "Why are you putting me THROUGH this?!"

The answer is simple. This act of bonding is something that is 'normal' and I want to be 'normal'. I want to belong.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Drama Reprieve

Found at Geek Central. That's the stuff that would make me want to just recline across that pack sideways, facedown, and go "Boogaboogaboogabooga!! Who's the babeeeez?!? YOU da babeeeeeez!!!!"

(I hope she likes cats....)

Thursday, May 1, 2008


She chose my favorite neighborhood to meet in.