Okay, I Think I Can Say I Am Officially Depressed *sigh* Again

(Originally 12/19/06)

Because I found this to be AWESOME and it almost made me cry with empathy. I wanted to hug every single one of these people and felt extremely lonely after the video was done.



The Complaints Choir of Birmingham, England

The reason why My Friend The Doctor said I had a spiritual need (from last post) was because, he said, that I was trying to plug the God-shaped hole in my life with My Hero. (And believe me when I tell you, he was not preaching to me.) What he said had merit. So the weekend following the post, I called my Mentor, who I mentioned also in the last post. We, as promised, spoke for hours. I love him so much. I have called him with The Really Big Things and I was going to tell him about my current Q&A session with myself over Mr. Hero (what my limits should be, Am I obsessed, Am I a danger to myself and others, etc) but I never brought Feedback up. Wy? Well, My Mentor doesn't watch TV for one. So I never tell him that I do. And secondly, I was getting what I needed from him in those hours. It seemed silly to talk about how I was pining for the friendship of someone else when I was enjoying his friendship.

Nevertheless, I had to ask him about heroes, as I've done in the past. I asked him if his father was a hero to him, and if he (My Mentor) was a hero to his sons. On both counts he thought the failings in both his father and in himself prevented total hero status. Then, aware that he was a hero of mine (for I had plainly told him so on a few ocassions, once with tears running down my face if I recall correctly), he said that anything heroic in a person was something that God gave because in ourselves we all come short. So my rejoinder was that asking if only God was going to fill the spot of hero in our lives, and the answer was of course yes.

So here's what I said;

I want to touch God. I want to call Him on the phone and I want to hear His voice. I want His answers to be as clear as Verizon. I don't want all this fasting and praying with sweat running off my forhead as though they were great drops of blood to talk to Him. I don't want to read five different interpretations of His Word and a commentary to know what He said. I want to go the the mall and ask Him what He thinks about the sweater in the window. I want to make Him laugh when I tell a joke. I want to laugh when He tells a joke. I want to see His expression when He's mad at me. Or proud of me. Or has compassion for me. Or feels my pain. Or loves me. I want a REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, not all this One Day You Will See Him crap.

I did not say "crap" to my mentor.

Then my mentor said that this is what The Church is for. To be the extended hand of God on Earth for people to be able to touch someone, call someone, laugh and cry with someone. Because the distance between us and God is real for now and He knows we get lonely.

And here I insert that God made Woman for Man because of this very thing. "It is NOT GOOD for Man to be alone," He said. (And I didn't need a commentary! Yay!)

This is a reason why I love my Mentor. He is so wise. And if you could have heard his voice when he said this to me, you would have though I actually had a line to God (Not that God is Texan, nor that my Mentor was speaking in Aramaic Hebrew) but the gentleness and love in my Mentor's voice was like from On High itself. And that was his point all along.

Whatever I found admirable in my hero(es) that makes me long after them is what God puts there.

So you know what?

I'm just going to reach out to my friends and use their love for the Christmas season because God damn it, I am lonely and it does suck.

PLUS.

I am a friend of My Hero's.

And that is all right then.