These Rooms

(Originally 10/31/06)

Hopefully I'm not leaking precious information, but they call the meeting places of AA "Rooms". Tonight's meeting was what My Benefactor was looking for. He was attracted to these people and impressed by their qualities. As was I. I think he's found anew home. That one we went to on Monday was sad and depressed. This one was upscale, upbeat, and moving.

Made me wish I was an alcoholic, just so I could join their community. No joke.

But that actually is the point. I'm not them. I was the only one in the room of twenty-odd people, who was not an alcoholic. They took turns reading paragraphs from the short stories in the back of their AA book and then sharing how they related to the story. Every one of them related a lot of the struggles everyone is subject to. The therapist in me was clicking overtime, wanting to reassure, bolster, and validate. Then each of their stories diverged at the same point -- the point where I could not join with. They all used alcohol to cope with their struggles, and they all crashed. I lost my ability to help at that point because I didn't experience--do not experience--how to struggle with coping mechanisms in a sober head and at the same time, resist and ignore the urge to pick up a bottle.

But what I liked about the group tonight was that they all said going back to the bottle would just be stupid. They acknowledged how much it had wrecked their lives, and the temptation now was not worth going back to the ruin. No one can tell that to the alcoholic better than the alcoholic. So I actually don't belong there. And I actually can't help there. So I have an excellent reason for not figuring myself into that. And so I won't.

But after being at a good one, I now kind of wish I could.

And I knew that would happen.

So what was my hesitation all about?

Oh, that's right--My Benefactor.

He's the big yuck in the equation.

But tonight, he was good. He only started out not obeying the common boundaries of human society, but as the room filled up, he found his place and stayed quiet, and listened.

I hope he learns something. I hope he finds a lot of friends. I hope he stays sober.

That would be alright then!