Staving Off The Inevitable

(Originally Sept 24 2005)

Yesterday I brought my mood down to subterranean by watching a few minutes of last season's "Father's Day" episode of Doctor Who. On my old blog, I detailed my viewing experience on May 17th. Today, I fired it up and watched it again. Again, I lost my composure and bawled.

I was reminded of the episode from a podcast on this site. The host stated that he too was in tears by the end of the story, when our heroine, The Doctor's companion, goes to comfort her dying father--but his perspective was that he wondered /hoped/ that he would raise his 2 yr/ old daughter to be the kind of young woman who would be willing and motivated to go through time and space to reach him if he should happen to be somewhere dying alone. In other words, he identified with the father, whereas I identified with the child.

I called Albany again on Thursday to discover they are no closer to finishing my application process than they were the month ago when I called last.

My properities that I got to list were rented by someone else, either with another broker or on their own, I don't know. Well, not the luxury apartment, yet anyway, but the others. It was only my fifth day as an agent, and my mind was jumping ahead and carrying with it an additional week, a month, a half a year of failure and moneylessness.

I was supposed to call my NJ benefactor yesterday and arrange his visit tomorrow so he could get a head start on moving some of my stuff to Jersey. All I want to tell him to do is break me off some money and let me stay in NYC and then get out of my face forever.

Disclaimer; I am NOT in a rational state of mind today.

From an outside perspective--I'm retreating into a childlike state where I want to be taken care of and have my own way, and exercise zero adult functioning.

So far, I decided to take today off and not go in to the realty office. I decided I want to escape for a bunch of hours before trying again to be adult. Maybe I'll even take a nap. Eat some Chinese food with the money from my last Starbucks paycheck--ANYTHING to stave off the inevitable.