See Complex; This Life

(Originally July 24 2006)

No, I knew I was being cryptic before. I get that close then I bolt. (See, The Pattern; My Life, Ch.20-974)

But today I told My Hero my deep dark secret and I might as well tell you, my faithful readers. lol

Okay, so remember the thing about Me Being Molested when I was a bairn, back in NYC? No you don't. And I'm not going to go looking for it. But it's somewhere in these journals. Anyway, it screwed me up, no pun intended. It derailed my sexual development.

I've been sexually aware since probably about 5 years old. That is to say, I've known about and experienced sexual arousal since then. Whatever my neighbor did to me started me off early. He also started me off with a same-sex experience.

I can't account for it any other way. I was attracted to things way too early and way too much. If it came in a heroic, handsome package (again, n.p.i.) it was for me. I dug it. Idolized it. And also, was aroused by it.

And that's it, really. It's been 36 years of trying to process what goes on between my eyes and my you-know-what. It's been 36 years of denial and grey, invisible thinking. 36 years of shame and fear. Trying to love and mate with females, only to have my knees turn to water because I didn't feel enough attraction--wasn't driven hard enough to pursue that cookie like most men I know. Men would give all their possessions away in a divorce settlement just because they had to have that cookie, but not me. Never me.

At the same time, never wanted an 'alternative'. Sex, being the scary shameful thing that it was/is--I couldn't get it on with a girl--I damn sure wasn't going to do it with a guy. So here came High School and the fear of having to perform for my classmates and friends. I had to pop this cherry and I knew I couldn't do it.

Thus came The Word of The Lord. I could be saved and live in abstinence with a powerful culture supporting me. I could be more than saved--I could be Safe! The other benefits of Christianity were/are the ability to get myself lost emotionally in a storm of love and otherness. Worship took me away from this struggle. All I needed was to concentrate on God and other people, and stay safely away from the things I was terrified of anyway. Win-win!

But inside Christianity, I was still expected to mate. And I figured too that I should. But the shame of sex kept me from believing that I was supposed to take my beautiful, especially-chosen-by-God lady, and do THAT to them. Get all gritty and sweaty. Nibble on this, fondle that, suck and lick and grind and pump and hump ... what?? Whatever urge I had, it was never visceral enough for me to just say, "YEAH, Baby!" and go to town on it in a race toward the altar, hoping to hold out long enough so that the wedding night would be special. No, each engagement I had, each commitment, each expectant partner who loved me...they were all not bigger than my shame and terror. And my lust was not enough to get me through the fear.

And here I am. Not gay (in any sense of the word), because man-on-man action is intrisically yucky. Not straight, because my first experience was with a man. Not sane because that first experience was a criminal violation, a perversion, against me, a child. Not whole because I am alone. Not happy because I don't think this will ever go away.

There's the conclusion. I don't think I have anything else to say. Well, yeah, I do, but what does it really matter after that?

Let me tell you what My Friend The Doctor told me today as I gave him more of my mess (car broke down 3 hours away, didn't have enough to get it repaired, tried to buy a new one because I could afford a down-payment, repair bill turned out to be not as much as I thought, cancelled the new car sale, dealer won't refund my deposit yet (if ever), gotta get my car now and have barely enough $$ to reach it again, will have to do a bad transaction to pay for the repair without the dealer's deposit refund). He said, "It seems like you experience every day in a state of loss. Everyday something happens that takes more and more control away from you."

Yup. Yup yup and yup. Ever since I was 5 years old.

So what do I do now, Dad?