(Originally Sept 13 2005)
...to drag myself back in case I strayed. And I strayed.
I haven't been to church in the last two weeks--ONLY. I could have gone early, and then boogie to work, but I wanted to sleep late instead and play CoH. There, I said it.
Now, I find thoughts of money preoccupying my mind more than my epiphanies or the holier pursuits of life. That's what not having enough will do to you. But being an actual human being and whatnot, I can bring my mind back into he direction I want it to go. (This, dear readers, is the nature of therapy, let alone religion and redemption.)
One of the last times I went to church, the senior pastor's wife preached, which I discover she does every afternoon. One of the school of religions from where I got my Bachelor's in Biblical Lit believes it is wrong to let women preach. When I met these people, I was stunned at how serious and aggressive they were on the matter. "Let no woman usurp authority over the man!" they quoted. I couldn't wrap my brain around that being in the Bible, and so was supposed to be the Law of God. But it did make me begin to take note of WHO was writing the verses, and WHERE they were, and WHAT their culture was at the time. I was told to do this within the course of studying the Bible, but those teachers were thought of as 'liberals'. In those days, I learned not to love debate anymore, nor value my ability to be "right". The struggle grew too painful as I watched how vehement and how terrifyingly different people's opinions were. Not to mention just plain nasty and wrongheaded.
Anyway, as I realized the preacher's wife had a regualr gig on Sunday afternoons, my mind drifted back to the old days of argument. What would some of my classmates think if they knew? Would they get up and walk out on her? Would they make complaint to the pastoral staff? Would they denounce the church's practice and make an open debate of it? Would they target staff and aim to destroy their careers, in the name of preserving the sacred truth of the Bible?
No, I'm not getting dramatic. This is how churches 'split'. I lived through such a split in my last days of the bachelor's degree. I'd never seen ugliness of that magnitude before then. The faith I had in people received wounds that have still not healed. I will elaborate one day.
Anyway, this is what coursed through my mind instead of concentrating on the preacher's wife's message. She had a good message, too, having to do with knowing who we were in Christ, and not letting ourselves remain defeated due to a misunderstanding of why God made us.
Another thing I find myself doing during a sermon is making corellations to therapeutic principals from their messages. So far, I have been able to see how religion/sermons are divine ways of addressing therapeutic needs. Or, conversely, how psychology takes a mundane approach to meeting the needs of the spirit of man. Either way, I just want to get my needs met. The only hangup I have about going the religious route is that the messenger of the message may wind up breaking my heart when I discover their feet of clay, and thus I might doubt their message. If I go to a secular therapist--well--they don't have to be perfect or even a nice person. I can accept a message better if there are no expectations of character placed on the messenger. I hold the message itself in value, rather than the messenger. (Strangely, I don't feel as thought I, as a therapist, can get off scott-free in MY character. In fact, most of my anxiety in BEING a therapist lies behind fear of presenting myself badly).
Mysteries of paradox....
Anyway, this entry is just freeform confession designed to force myself to realize that I could afford to get back to some Bible study and some church attendance. Thusly, I've played I Timothy while I've typed as a method of pro-activity.
Thanks for indulging me.
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