Tonight's Sermon

(Originally Oct 18 2005)

Was from a South African (white) preacher. He seemed to be preaching from the perspective of someone tired of fighting overwhelming odds. The message that persisted the most was this; "Do Not Give Up Hope".

At first I said to myself and God, "Well, I haven't really given up hope. I bought new clothes yesterday and a pair of sneakers for more comfortable walking, and this morning I went to work, and I got two luxury listings in Brooklyn. So surely I hadn't given up hope?

But somewhere inside me, it feels like I have. It feels like I'm just doing the real estate thing out of stubbornness because I don't want to leave New York City, and I don't think I care too much if I rent anything or not. As long as I get to go where I went today (the high-end apartment has clear and breathtaking views of ALL of Brooklyn, Staten Island, and New Jersey, and the Statue of Liberty. It was reminiscent of the World's Trade Center towers, even though the apartment isn't a half as tall). Foolish, right? Spend all my money sightseeing.

It feels like I have no hope of regaining a full time job in mental health because I don't think I really want to do it anymore. I feel like I'm running out of coping mechanisms to give other people, or at the very least, I'm running out of the energy it takes to help people find their own coping mechanisms. Because it feels like I'm going to get drawn back into the grey sad world of persistent mental illness after all else fails, and therein will I plod for two weeks toward every paycheck, the first eight or ten I will be simply handing over to other people

Yet the message in church tonight was that God knows that I have given up hope. The preacher used Acts 27:20 and the verses following

"And when neither sun nor stars in many days appeared, and no small tempest lay on [us], all hope that we should be saved was then taken away.

"But after long abstinence Paul stood forth in the midst of them, and said, Sirs, ye should have hearkened unto me, and not have loosed from Crete, and to have gained this harm and loss.

"And now I exhort you to be of good cheer: for there shall be no loss of [any man's] life among you, but of the ship.

"For there stood by me this night the angel of God, whose I am, and whom I serve,

"Saying, Fear not, Paul; thou must be brought before Caesar: and, lo, God hath given thee all them that sail with thee."

So the preacher tonight, and the angel in Paul's narrative, emphasized that God had a plan for Paul and even took on the burden of Paul's mission which he sent Paul for. Under that kind of circumstance, the remedy of losing hope was to acknowledge that God was fighting the circumstances alongside you because He wants you; -needs- you to press on for the goal He has before you.

Meh. That's also a lot like Jonah in the whale's belly. Jonah had to go somewhere God wanted him to go, and the only way to get him there was to get him swallowed by a fish to transport him. In Jonah's case, though, he need Fishways because he was disobedient. So he didn't get any angelic warnings or admonishments while the seaweed was wrapped around his head. He had no opportunity to lose hope or anything. He just had to ride it out, whether he was happy or sad, scared or elated.

Yeah, that's where I think I am--in the belly of the whale, rather than the storm-tossed boat. And whether I lose hope or not, I feel like I'm going to have to do whatever God wants, come rain or shine.

At least He's interested.