When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Friday, August 3, 2007

My Life As A Homo

Last night, I believe I got a taste (no pun intended) of what it would be like to be an out-of-the-closet, flag-waving, Gay-Pride-parade-marching homosexual.

Being that I'm growing more comfortable with expressing myself and my Inner Chick, on more than one occasion I've complimented dudes with whom I have a mancrush at internet lists and groups that I'm a member of. Up until last night, it seemed to me to have been accepted with no fanfare or complaint. The mancrushes in question have even expressed being flattered.

But last night I discovered that on one of those 'netgroups, someone did ask me if I was a homosexual because of what I had said. Except, I missed the question because moderators had deleted it. And then after the deletion, no one even wanted to talk about it. I'd see questions asked and then others would shut down the discussion. This was months ago. And I never knew.

So last night, the subject came up again (no pun intended) in a group chat because I said I had an Inner Chick. I was going to elaborate about crying at love scenes and love songs, and just being generally sensitive and emotional. But one lister said they were uncomfortable and departed the conversation. And that's when I discovered the months' old controversy about my sexuality, which I mention above. The moderators had censored that question that was posed to me because they didn't want to stir up unnecessary drama.

And they were protecting me.

And I don't know how to feel about that.

But it did give me a stark example of why I don't ever want to be gay. What a battle. Gay is not as wonderfully and widely accepted as television might want you to believe. It still appears to alienate people--and alienate them at the oddest times. Girls can express their crushes on other girls ("Cute hair! Cute shoes! Those jeans make your butt look so nice!"), but if a guy expresses admiration for another guy, then the sexuality question comes up, and some people get offended, and some get protective, and some just go and run and hide.

And what I want? I just want to be loved. I want to be who I am and have friends I can depend on. I just want to be someone who other people think of warmly. I want to be trusted. I want to be someone who others can depend on too.

Last night, I didn't feel that. I felt, instead, like a freak. I felt like a dark family secret being kept hidden away from strangers.

I felt different and most decidedly alone.

That's not the life I want.


K2 said...

If it is any consolation, you may have been feeling alone in the same place that I was feeling alone last night (but for different reasons).

We all fight battles, day in and day out. We define our inner selves by the battles we choose to engage in. IMHO, it sounds like you need to decide which battles are worth your while and who you want by your side.


Alan said...

I'm not sure my battle is the same as yours. I think the reasons were not just 'different', I think they weren't even remoted related.

I guess my solution is not to rock the boat. Keep my little mancrushes and openness to myself.

I can do that. Every thing is not for every body. This also means giving less of myself to the wider audience. But I can do that too. Hell, that's familiar territory for me. In fact, I must've been out of my mind coming out of my shell to begin with.

Blindsighted One said...

I hear you on man crushes -- a friend of mine has them and he's happily married! I think it's fine to appreciate the human form of the same and opposite sex.

Alan said...

I'm interested in what kind of guy your friend is, in your opinion, Blindsighted. Is he a "man's man" (ie hairy-knuckled, brawny)? And how does he make the mancrushes known? And please, honestly, how does his wife take it? Oh, and also honestly ... do you ever wonder if one day your friend is going to leave his wife for a dude?

GrizzBabe said...

I understand the giving-less-of-yourself-to-a-wider-audience thing and there is a certain wisdom in that but wouldn't it be nice to be able to express yourself freely without receiving (or caring about) backlash?

Alan said...

God yes, Grizz. It'd be awesome. But it seems that the way I'm put together...I can't stop caring.

When I say 'wider audience' I don't mean the audience here at the blog. I know what I'm getting myself into here, and for people who come to read about me (for which thank you all. Thank you for caring enough to check me out) I think they know what they're getting too.

'Wider audience' means the forums and webgroups that I am a member of for a common interest that we share. They don't need to know what turns me on or off--they aren't there for that. And if they do want to know, they can ask me personally.

And too, I just don't need to be so damn vulnerable everywhere I go. Armor is worn for a reason, and I've forgotten that I still need protection.

But I can tell you what I am getting ready for. I'm getting ready to be vulnerable for that *one* person. The one who will let me express myself freely, without giving backlash, as you said.

My heart actually aches for that *one*, let me tell you.

So lets hope for the best! For the both of us! ;-)

Anonymous said...

I wonder if it's most men that feel uncomfortable with what you were expressing Alan, or just some. My bf is kind of a man's man, but I remember one time we went for a weekend trip somewhere and it happened to be gay weekend there. Anyways we were walking home late one night and him and another guy get catchin, and they had lots of fun taking off the gay men (actually they were pinching each others heinys come to think of it! - saying what a nice ass etc, pretending to be gay.. and they both seem to love it.) I dont think my bf was gay though or that guy.

Alan said...

Well that's some secure action right there, Anon, lemme tell you.

For all my bravado with the written word, I really can't deal with that kind of playing around. I actually don't like to be touched, unless I REALLY want it, (classic abused-child symptom--which was a puzzle piece that fell into place for me a few years ago) and I don't usually want to be fondled or to fondle a dude. It's just creepy.

I sometimes envy the easy comrauderie between jocks who bounce off each other, hug, and just generally play-fight as though they were school kids.

And sometimes I so don't.

Anonymous said...

I understand Alan. Just wondering ever come across a book called The power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle? It helped me alot in terms of how I define yourself, how the past and future operates in the mind etc.. it's a great book. It's a spiritual book that really helped me. I think you'd like it alot!!

Anonymous said...

found some interviews with him actually that you might like.



take care.

Alan said...

Thanks, Anon, for those links. I will definitely read them, and discuss it with my therapist too. :)

Anonymous said...

I like this interview too Alan.. the interviewer is a man, as is Eckhart..


talk about sharing!

'You know, when I walked in here, I had no idea who was going to be here. I'd read your books but had never seen you except in photographs. When you opened the door, it was like the sun was in this flat. I couldn't help but forget any reservations or shyness I may have had, and I almost burst out laughing. '

Alan said...

Wow. There really is some good stuff in that.

Here's what I really liked;

People don't realize it, but all they ever have is "this". This moment. Always.

It seems so strange to put it into words. Your life is always this moment. No more, no less. But just "this" is what most people unconsciously trying to run away from. They're always in some future moment where things are hopefully better, or more fulfilling. Or mentally they project a future moment they see as fearful, that they have to tackle this possible thing that might go wrong in the future and they try to deal with now. Ignoring the aliveness that is actually there concealed in now. It is a collective mental habit to run away, to deny and to resist the is-ness of this moment. Not to aligned with now. And everybody inherits that as a part of their collective mental conditioning. They're taught to live like that from their parents, from their schools. They probably inherit even the very minds structures that create that kind of consciousness.

But there's a shift happening in humanity, a shift in consciousness, happening now because it has to happen now. Because if it doesn't happen now, mankind probably won't survive.

I don't know what happens if I stop being concerned about the next rent check, or the car payment, but it sounds real good to just live in the "now." And it really is true. There is no "next rent check." It really doesn't exist.

Can I let go of the love pursuit? Can I let go of living an actualized adult life? Maybe that's not the point. Maybe the point is just to enjoy what I am right now?

Coaster Punchman said...

So I'm checking out your archives a bit and this is interesting. It sounds like maybe you haven't had a lot of gay friends. Maybe you should get some, because the more time you spend with them you'll find there's really nothing new or different about the universe they share with you.

Although I'm still very much aware of the struggles we face as gay people, my life to me and everyone I know is very normal. Every now and again I'll encounter someone who has all these questions along the lines of "my God, what is it LIKE?" and I don't know what to say. Sure, I can talk about the pain I suffered as an adolescent and young adult and yada yada yada (and there was plenty of it) but I don't want to think about that stuff 24/7. I live life day to day just like anyone else, and while I feel angry at certain huge injustices, I still go about my life with my friends and loved ones around and I never ever feel like I'm any less normal than anyone else.

Truth be told, unless people have a totally ignorant upbringing or serious psychological issues about sex, most of them don't seem to care what you want to do with your naughty bits because it's a) none of their business and b) generally not very relevant to anything going on around them.

If someone wants to feel I'm a freak, it's totally their problem and I honestly don't care. Really. Of course, I am a freak in many more important ways than whom I choose to have as romantic partners, but we won't go into that.

I have plenty of straight guy friends. If they ever felt any weirdness around me, I'm really not aware of it, nor do I care unless it's something they want to discuss with me at some point. I don't consider myself or feel myself to be any different from them in my daily struggles and joys with life and love. Sometimes I even get the impression they like to share stuff with me that they wouldn't share with their straight guy friends, maybe because they feel less risk of feeling unmanly or something. I don't know. They're just my friends and are just people like me or anybody else.

I hope this makes a little sense....sorry for rambling.