Last night, I believe I got a taste (no pun intended) of what it would be like to be an out-of-the-closet, flag-waving, Gay-Pride-parade-marching homosexual.
Being that I'm growing more comfortable with expressing myself and my Inner Chick, on more than one occasion I've complimented dudes with whom I have a mancrush at internet lists and groups that I'm a member of. Up until last night, it seemed to me to have been accepted with no fanfare or complaint. The mancrushes in question have even expressed being flattered.
But last night I discovered that on one of those 'netgroups, someone did ask me if I was a homosexual because of what I had said. Except, I missed the question because moderators had deleted it. And then after the deletion, no one even wanted to talk about it. I'd see questions asked and then others would shut down the discussion. This was months ago. And I never knew.
So last night, the subject came up again (no pun intended) in a group chat because I said I had an Inner Chick. I was going to elaborate about crying at love scenes and love songs, and just being generally sensitive and emotional. But one lister said they were uncomfortable and departed the conversation. And that's when I discovered the months' old controversy about my sexuality, which I mention above. The moderators had censored that question that was posed to me because they didn't want to stir up unnecessary drama.
And they were protecting me.
And I don't know how to feel about that.
But it did give me a stark example of why I don't ever want to be gay. What a battle. Gay is not as wonderfully and widely accepted as television might want you to believe. It still appears to alienate people--and alienate them at the oddest times. Girls can express their crushes on other girls ("Cute hair! Cute shoes! Those jeans make your butt look so nice!"), but if a guy expresses admiration for another guy, then the sexuality question comes up, and some people get offended, and some get protective, and some just go and run and hide.
And what I want? I just want to be loved. I want to be who I am and have friends I can depend on. I just want to be someone who other people think of warmly. I want to be trusted. I want to be someone who others can depend on too.
Last night, I didn't feel that. I felt, instead, like a freak. I felt like a dark family secret being kept hidden away from strangers.
I felt different and most decidedly alone.
That's not the life I want.