When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Monday, August 27, 2007

It Still Hurts

I finally clicked on my own link and went to Mike Wieringo's website. I only got as far as his brother and best friend's addresses.

It just keeps shaking me up. Everything they said is true. Life is short and we need to take advantage of all the opportunities we have to love one another now.

But I'm getting so terrified that more people that I love will be taken away too. If Mike Wieringo can be snatched away from his cat, and his brother, and his best friend, then what is keeping My Hero in my life? Or My Friend The Doctor? And everyone else I need?

This is why there is religion. We need something to give us hope beyond this material loss of life, energy, and love. We live through our connection to one another. When those connections are severed, we lose a little bit of our own lives too. That just hurts so much.

And I'm not equipped well to feel secure about death. Death and me have a bad track record.

Out of everyone left that I know and love, I want to be the next one to go. Because I don't want to live without any single one of them.

I just don't.


S* said...

Well, what is your choice Alan? Not live life to the fullest, making connections with folks cuz you're scared of losing them or just dealing with this natural fact of life? You have no choice in the matter, so I say live fully.

Alan said...

But you know the draining wound of loss and you know how it feels.

I have a choice, but it is a poor one, I'll admit. I am usually caught between the varying shades of paralyzation and full living.

The connections that I've made, I will keep. The new ones -- aye, well that's the rub. Without the whole spectre of death in the mix, there's still the fear there that I discussed with Bailey Stewart about half a year ago.

But I've been doing well in the last two months. I hadn't felt a trace of social phobia at all. I've moved to NYC and even moved in with two complete strangers! And I still feel okay with that decision. But yeah, it's creeping back up on me.

I'm just shook up, I'm guessing. I just need some nurturing.

Either that, or start drinking.

S* said...

It's a selfish statement that you'd rather go before those that you love. You'd rather they feel the horrible pain of loss than you. No one who truly loves someone would wish such a selfish thing.

The way you're dwelling on the negative is scary.

Anonymous said...

I think we're all scared and negative sometimes. It's only human.
This helps me Alan. hope ya like too.. take care.

I try to have faith that I'll always have everythin I'll need one way or another. Keep on reaching out!


I like
'And, paradoxically, when you say “yes” to that death, because that’s what it is, you realize that the mind-made sense of self had obscured the truth of who you are – not as defined by your past, but timelessly.'

Anonymous said...

Hi There Alan,

I just checked out Mike's website and googled some more info about him.

I don't think he felt stuck between four walls and looking for an out.

It looks like he was doing what he wanted to be doing and expressing himself through his art.

Don't dwell on the negatives from this story Alan, dwell on the positives like the wonderful work that Mike left behind for the world to enjoy, and the achievements of his life.

Life can be very short. All the more reason to savour every single day.

And.....I've only read parts of your blog, but I would have to say that "Too much gaming makes Alan a dull boy!" :-)

Go outside and soak up the sunshine and breathe in the fresh air (assuming you have some there....hehe)

Have a good day!


Anonymous said...


I admit I never heard of Mr. Wiernigo until after he passed away, but seeing how he has affected you and a lot of other people I know (Scott Kurtz of PvP fame for example) I know he meant a lot to everyone around him.

Things are getting better for you, don't let this threaten to knock you back a step or two.

Take care of yourself, friend.


GrizzBabe said...

I definitely understand how the shock of someone's death can make us more introspective than we otherwise would be. Once the mourning period passes, you might see things in a slightly different light.