Today is the start of my higher dosage of the meds. Last week, I found that the days looked brighter. The sunny days were, like, REALLY sunny. Even the rainy days were bright, and the rain seemed like agents of change, washing the streets clean. (Having an umbrella helped.) I'm going to say that was because of the meds.
This weekend passed with a trip out to Westchester to hang with that crowd of D&D'ers, without the D&D. We just played a card game and riffed on each other throughout. Grim Jester showed us his feet again, repeatedly. I let the girl of the group touch me, which she usually threatens to do, but never does. I think she's reacting to the knowledge that I'm "dating" again. (I haven't told them all that I've stopped.)
I also got some more work done on the audio series, (for the readers who are concerned about it).
And I spent a little time out in the streets again, this time as someone who was not dating again anymore (as opposed to someone who "cannot/is terrified to" date). I was definitely not feeling as alien as I usually do. I didn't feel as though all the families and hand-holding couples, as well as the smoochers on the Number 1 train, were a part of some foreign tribe that I could never join. So that's a definite improvement that I think the meds are making.
What has not changed is the love I feel toward you guys who come by here and help me with encouragement. I do mean tears-stinging-the-eyes love. I've grown so needy in my old age, and every second you guys spend to bother writing me anything at all is like food. Dawn, Karma, & Sol--I'm putting this here instead of the comments of last post. And of course Scott, who feels like my big brother (by eight days), or my college roommate, or that guy that guys have who they can cry into the shoulder of when no one else is around. Thank you for caring about me, buddy.
But I ask myself the question, am I still okay. Well, I'm hanging in there. I have a better sense of well-being. I don't sense any romance in my life on the horizon, but I feel a lot less desperate about it. I'm not running back to Match, but my finances have taken a big hit from paying my deductable and rental fees while my car was being repaired. Plus, I want the full effect of the meds before I try again. And I'm not even that worried anymore about what my clients would think if they discovered just how unconnected I am to the experience of coupledom. I care what they think, but I'm not worried.
So in all, I'm still okay. And I still need every one of you. :-)
4 comments:
OLD AGE? Are you kidding me? Listen, next time I'm in the city I'm going to smack your wrist with a Daily News. That's my 38 year old swing. =) and gosh, i'm kicking pebbles over here because that was really sweet of you with the shout outs. Really. I'm always coming to see how you're doing over here in the parking lots of Redeemable. And you know we are all rooting for you. I love saying 'And' so much that here comes another one - AND....YOU said something to ME that really spoke to me. You told me that that kind of true love (not verbatim...I'm too old/ADD/flighty to go verbatim) is there for me IF I want it. And I thought about that. You're right. At least you sound like you are on the right track. I hold onto that statement. We're here. And we're checking on you. =)
BTW - one of my exes a long time ago used to be a D&D guy who had about seven buddies over to our home to play. He used to hand me a $20 and tell me basically to get out and go get a few drinks so that I wouldn't ruin the Dragon Master party with my giggling. Eventually they recruited me but then kicked me out because I kept trying to make my own rules.
Aww shucks!
It sounds like you are leaps ahead of where you were before. I think when we are totally comfortable with being alone we have passed the test and are rewarded with what we have learned to live without. The girl touching you is an indication of the signal you are sending out.
Very profound words from Scott re: The Test.
I don't know what you are talking about- who's needy?
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