When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Thursday, May 22, 2008

On Annoying Friends...

As an aside, I noticed that this title is a psych test. How many read it as "On The Friends That Annoy You..." and how many read it as "On Becoming Annoying To Your Friends..."

Unfortunately, I'm guilty of the latter. I've stated somewhere in the millions of words of my blog(s) that I would do almost anything, anything at all, to prevent folks from getting mad at me. I've mentioned how crumbly in the guts I go when I've garnered someone's disapproval. And how, when it comes to a relationship that I may one day be blessed to become one half of, if my partner were to blast me with something harsh, or a particularly biting critique, it would unseat me for a while. Unseat me as a partner, as an equal, and as a man. That's just how disgustingly fragile it seemed that I was. It made my concerns focus on the possibility that I couldn't be in a relationship at all.

Well, I thought I had made some headway in this area. I thought handling the rejection from Match Girl-I was a banner success. However, I realize now that Match Girl-I's rejection wasn't given as anything disapproving or harsh. There was no fight. So I could accept it. And in not being a fighter, I let her go, easily.

But I find that I'm still vulnerable to disapproval and rejection. I find it still feels like I've been turned over and all the worms and bugs have been uncovered, and everybody around me is reeling back in disgust and scorn.

So what happened was that I annoyed a friend. I went too far and pushed a boundary that I should not have done. So I got my hand slapped.

And that's it really. Nothing more dramatic than that (I hope), even though it feels like I've committed something much worse.

So the lesson I have to learn is that annoying someone is not the same thing as being declared as an eternal enemy, rejected forever, never to be appreciated or loved again. It's a lesson in direct contradiction with how I was raised, so it's a lesson that I have to continue to struggle with. Everyone is not my mother. People can get mad at me and still want me around.

I'll learn that.


And that's all I'll say about that.


A Shade Of Scorpio said...

Of course you can be annoying and be loved and wanted! I haven't kicked my 9 year old out yet.

And on those days that she swears that I have hit status that she has decided she will SLEEP IN HER OWN ROOM TONIGHT, by nightfall, she finds a reason to reneg the deal.

Do you happen to have some Libra in you in your chart? I've got a ton even though I'm Scorpio and it turns me into the person who will buy something and not bring it back because its too offensive. =)

Vi said...

Hey, it's all something we have to learn. Rejection is a part of life, you may get your hand slapped but it doesn't mean they love you any less. Just like a mum does.

Scott said...

That's all true, but I don't like to be reprimanded either. It takes me a long time to come around to seeing how I stepped over the line, but I eventually do. If it weren't for forgiveness I wouldn't have too many friends.

GrizzBabe said...

I find it still feels like I've been turned over and all the worms and bugs have been uncovered, and everybody around me is reeling back in disgust and scorn.

Great imagery.

I'm glad you are getting a glimpse of what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. It's something we all crave and desperately need to have flowing to the deepest, darkest crevices of our being.

Tera said...

Alan, hmmm...I can't say that I have/had that problem...especially lately...I'm just not too fond of people to be around enough to annoy them!

I am so sorry about Match Girl...some things just aren't meant to be, but you will be glad that it went down that way when what IS meant to be strolls down your path! :)

The Neighbor said...

If this is about what I think it might be about, you're blowing things waaaaaay out of proportion. Relax.

akakarma said...

My secret is.... I know folks won't like me if they knew my real self. Not uncommon big guy! How could we not like you unless we were perfect?