Today is the start of my higher dosage of the meds. Last week, I found that the days looked brighter. The sunny days were, like, REALLY sunny. Even the rainy days were bright, and the rain seemed like agents of change, washing the streets clean. (Having an umbrella helped.) I'm going to say that was because of the meds.
This weekend passed with a trip out to Westchester to hang with that crowd of D&D'ers, without the D&D. We just played a card game and riffed on each other throughout. Grim Jester showed us his feet again, repeatedly. I let the girl of the group touch me, which she usually threatens to do, but never does. I think she's reacting to the knowledge that I'm "dating" again. (I haven't told them all that I've stopped.)
I also got some more work done on the audio series, (for the readers who are concerned about it).
And I spent a little time out in the streets again, this time as someone who was not dating again anymore (as opposed to someone who "cannot/is terrified to" date). I was definitely not feeling as alien as I usually do. I didn't feel as though all the families and hand-holding couples, as well as the smoochers on the Number 1 train, were a part of some foreign tribe that I could never join. So that's a definite improvement that I think the meds are making.
What has not changed is the love I feel toward you guys who come by here and help me with encouragement. I do mean tears-stinging-the-eyes love. I've grown so needy in my old age, and every second you guys spend to bother writing me anything at all is like food. Dawn, Karma, & Sol--I'm putting this here instead of the comments of last post. And of course Scott, who feels like my big brother (by eight days), or my college roommate, or that guy that guys have who they can cry into the shoulder of when no one else is around. Thank you for caring about me, buddy.
But I ask myself the question, am I still okay. Well, I'm hanging in there. I have a better sense of well-being. I don't sense any romance in my life on the horizon, but I feel a lot less desperate about it. I'm not running back to Match, but my finances have taken a big hit from paying my deductable and rental fees while my car was being repaired. Plus, I want the full effect of the meds before I try again. And I'm not even that worried anymore about what my clients would think if they discovered just how unconnected I am to the experience of coupledom. I care what they think, but I'm not worried.
So in all, I'm still okay. And I still need every one of you. :-)