When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I Got A WINK!!!

Okay. Okay okay okay okay.

So.

My profile has been viewed 16 times, and it shows all the ladies' profiles who have looked. Okay.

So.

Yesterday I paid (payed?) attention to one of the looking ladies. Says she's a full-figured gal, and her pictures attest to it, but so was my babysitter back when I was a tot and I adored her. So, I considered writing to her, for that's what Match suggests you do, and then I noticed that she hadn't been active for over three weeks. That's the top time category they use. That's what it said for me after I hadn't been active for a year. So. I figured she was long gone--or that she read my profile a year ago, back when I was the Crazy Basement Guy.

Okay. Whatever. But this morning is says her profile has been active within the last 24 hrs! Yipes!! So if I write her now ....

she ...

SHE MIGHT RESPOND!!!

(hide me)

This is crazy. I'm so friggin' scared. What the hell?

And yeah, I did get a Wink, from a totally hot blonde chick, no less! But when I clicked on her profile it said, "We're sorry, the profile you're looking for could not be found. Please try another profile."

I smell shenanigans!!!

Which is all a nice diversion from the fact that I might could actually get a date, and I'm all watery in the knees. Worst-Case Scenario Man is dancing a jig in my brain, telling me just how life-complicatingly, soul-wiltingly BAD this could turn out!

Somebody tell me something.

KHAAAAANN!!

9 comments:

Scott said...

Perhaps no matter how you brain frames it, it will still be a lot of fun. Roll with it, Henry!

Alan said...

Well?

Did you hear my scream of terror from up there in Massachusettes?

And why, after you send the e-mail, do they shoot you directly to other profiles with the following endorsement; "While you're waiting for a reply, take a look at other members who may interest you."

Are they CRAZY?

Here's what I wrote--(she said she was recovering from being a workaholic, made a cute solicitation for help putting up blinds in a cement wall, and showed a picture of herself at the Taj Mahal. She also updated her profile from "Full-Figured" to a "Few Extra Pounds");

From: NewMutant (NewMutant@talkmatch.com)
To: (ScreenName Omitted; But It's the title of a DeBarge song)
Date received: April 2, 2008
Subject: How's the recovery going? :-)

Stamp out workaholism in your time!

Your life sounds great--what you need a man for? Heh, but I mean, you know ... gee, let me start again...

Hi!

I've installed a blind or two in my day! For someone who knows the title to one of the DeBarge songs on my mp3 player, I would certainly do so again!

And I'd like to hear more about your trips around the world. For instance, is the Taj Mahal really as big as it looks--and what's around it?

-Alan

Alan said...

Ugh, I just read it back.

I'm an idiot...

The Neighbor said...

I love your e-giddiness. Match can be very exciting, but with the massive amount of possibles, you really need to dig for that spark. It's easy to get caught up in someone else's interest, at least, it is easy for me. I've found it can obscure my objectivity, but I would guess you're a bit better at that than I am.

I know your fear - I bet you're positively fraught. Wait until you're meeting IRL. Sweaty palms as an adult is a positively silly sensation.

As for match suggesting alternates, they recommend you cast a wide net - it's actually part of their 'guarantee' that you do so, IIRC.

And as for the profile that went missing - they do that sometimes. They suspend them when they are brand new to vet them, and also when they make changes. Check it again over the weekend.

I'm on match vicariously now. Pulling for you, Alan. Find a good one; restore my faith.

Vi said...

you're not an idiot! Just go with the flow alan. You wont get a date till you start responding with people! lol

fringes said...

I'm glad you're having fun with it! And remember: even in 2008, some women expect men to make the first move. You can send a few winks and emails too!

Gyuss Baaltar said...

Oh dood, I don't miss those Match.com days. I was on there with a buddy back in it's first year.

I don't know if it still works this way, but back then your page showed how many messages you had sent out and how many had been replied to. Too many out with too few replies marked you as a total loser.

So we hacked their mail server so we could generate replies whenever we wanted. The ladies would see our stats and go "man, what does he have going on?" It definitely upped the numbers of ladies who actually would correspond at that point.

GrizzBabe said...

Duuude! Come do my blinds!!

Your email was perfectly fine. Do what Scott said, roll with it. And have fun.

Fingers crossed. . .

P.S. And what Fringes said is true. Try as I might to break out of my old-fashioned, Southern Belle mentality, I still prefer it when men take the initiative.

Alan said...

Ned-WHY you wanna go and say THAT? I plan to e-mail so thoroughly back and forth that I'll know her fingerprints before we meet.

Vi- Yes I gathered that. =p I just find that when I find one I like, I don't want to do anything else until that one either dumps me or responds. I would have a difficult time dating more than one at the same time, even though I wrote three e-mails at once. By the which no one has responded yet anyways. khaaan..

Fringes- Whereabouts do I indicate that this is fun?

Gyuss- I don't see such a Loser Flag on my profile, thank the heavens and all the little angels.

OH my GOD!! Just as I was responding here--I GOT AN E-MAIL!! It's from the last one that I like!!!

OH!!

OH!!!!!

GRIZZBABE HAAAALLLLPPP!!!!!