When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Yay, More Cats!

I really miss having a cat. I can't tell you about my last cat because I think I really messed up with how I left it with her. Okay, I'll tell you. I left her at George's house, knowing full well that he was/is an irresponsible person, which is the kindest understatement anyone can make. In fact, I'm so glad that I haven't had occasion to talk about him as much as I once did, but I'll spare him this one additional tag count.

I was planning on finding a no-kill shelter to place her when I moved from George's, but all that I found were booked solid. So I left her at George's. Knowing that George spent his nights in a drunken stupor with his screen doors ripped open by his other cats. Knowing that my cat didn't get along with the other cats. Knowing that my cat would wonder where the hell I went.

Half a year went by before I got a call from George asking if I came by and picked up my cat.

No, George. No I didn't.

Because my cat was gone and he didn't know where she went.

Now, it is completely to George's credit, 1) That he housed me rent-free for nearly two years and that 2) He housed my cat for 6 months more--which includes feeding her and giving her a place to poop. He honestly owed me or my cat nothing at all. So I have nothing against George. My reaction to him is based on my own antisocialness and how resentful I was about how my life had turned out to lead me into his basement.

My cat didn't deserve to be abandoned. I got her from a shelter in Missouri and promised I would take care of her. I moved her Missouri to Trenton New Jersey, and then to Harlem New York, and then to Paramus New Jersey. And then I left.

Obviously, I haven't beat myself up over it. I've been a cat freak since forever, bearing cat hair stained suits, slogged through cat hair tumbleweeds, left cat pissed matted carpets in my wake and sacrificed girls in favor of cats. My cat love was obsessive nutty pet owner kind of love. I did want to be free of that and try to be the kind of guy who just likes cats ... but my cat didn't deserve to be abandoned.

So that's a reveal on how maybe I deserve my loneliness, and losing my new friend Ned, and having car accidents, and all sorts of crap.

But I mean, what am I going to do? Kill myself?

Dang. This post turned out way different than the way I intended to start it out.


GrizzBabe said...

I lost a blog "friend" once. Over something stupid I said in her comment section. To my credit, I apologized via email, but I never heard a reply. I don't blame her. When you "meet" someone over the internet, it's hard to tell if they are toxic or if they are a well-meaning person who made a mistake. People usually err on the side of caution.

Alan said...

Thankfully, he's not gone because of anything that happened between us. (Except for his discovery of SiteMeter here at my blog, which he and I both know is not something I'm consciously responsible for.)

He has just decided that he shouldn't journal out loud anymore, and when I asked if he would still communicate to me, he said "probably". That answer gives him the ability not to return if he feels it's better for him. I wouldn't be able to say why it would be better, but it's totally his right to do so. We only met four weeks ago fer crying out loud. If that.

And I'm not a fighter. I can't campaign and convince someone to do what they don't want to do. Not when my own feelings are at stake. Before I compound the loss by losing the battle too, I'd rather give up and just go into self-protect mode. Return to my old friend Loss. Loss and me go WAY back. Loss was there when I said goodbye to my innocence, my parents, my security, and my religion. I've known Loss longer than I've known myself.


A Shade Of Scorpio said...

Hi Alan! I've been meaning to read some of your stuff - I've glanced at it before but with all the you know....LIFE as it were....we get super busy, only stopping to blog without reading enough of others. I have to say - very honest piece. I love that. It's sometimes so freeing to just say yup, I farked up - even if in reality you didn't so much. That's just life's flow sometimes. Know that your post is giving my cat Azrael some extra attention tonight - that whole 'reminder' of what you have thing. I also love your fairness here referring to George. You said what you thought of him AND were fair about giving him his props. Good job. Especially on the word arse. I use it at least twice a day. ~Dawn

A Shade Of Scorpio said...

I meant used the arse word in that other post about the car accident. =)

The Neighbor said...


I'm not gone.

Alan, I tend to think that the only way to make things right is with a large grand gesture, but that's as unrealistic as the rest of my approach to the world. I have a tendency to want to have big orange labels on everything - have defined edges and contours and so on.

I don't blame you for sitemeter - I really am glad to have it. It's caused me to have all sorts of interesting and novel thoughts, inspired wild story ideas and scenes, and made my life generally much more exciting. Maybe not enjoyable, but exciting.


I'll be around.

Tera said...

Wildlife? Not for me! I like one cat...mine.

akakarma said...

Poor kitty... I'm sorry Alan. We all have things we've done that we regret and have to live with.