Okay, my calls are on the phone-answering systems of two prescribing practitioners, as recommended to me by my therapist. Whoever gets back to me first scores the co-pay.
I am SO going to take these meds.
Yesterday, Sunday, I didn't even go to the convention. And mind you, Saturday night ended with a mix of avoidance and geek bonding. At the convention I got a couple of geekasms when I attended exclusive screenings for the Incredible Hulk movie due out this summer. (SPOILER:
Tony Stark, as played by Robert Downey Jr, is going to be in the Hulk movie, offering his services to Thunderbolt Ross to take down the Hulk. This opens the way for a future Avengers movie. Plus, the villain of the Hulk movie becomes that way because he takes a "Super Soldier serum"--which is the thing that made Captain America.
Was it good for you?)
I brushed paths with MFTD and his brother and his brother's friend. To be alone, I had sacrificed my time with them on Saturday. I did this both at home, and then after I got to the convention (to see the Hulk trailer. And Hellboy II and Indiana Jones IV and something else that I can absolutely not remember. Evidently it involved mutants and Xavier wiped all our memories.) When we finally caught up, we did that men's-circle insult, jibe, tough-talk, non-bonding bullcrap that we men do so terribly well, and then they left. And I sighed a breath of relief. He's my best friend, and I didn't want to hang out with him and his brother (and brother's friend).
Then after a very few more "hello's" to my podcasting geekmates, I left the con went a few blocks and some avenues over to buy a comicbook (hello, I had BEEN at a comic convention--what did I leave it for?), and waited for 8:30.
At 8:30, about 100 of us geeks had a geek-in at an upscale pizzeria, hosted and arranged by the two podcasters who held that party last year were I got my geek on, and took that b&w picture with the beautiful married British lady. I felt safe in the size of the crowd, and I even engaged a few in laughy conversation about comics and The Geek Life, and my Hulk revelations. Oh I was the life of my little section of the party. And I even made my way over, and sat at the table where the attractive Geek Girl I met in person on Friday was with her crew. But she preened about her boyfriend, as all hot chicks seem wont to do, and I disengaged after a little bit. I got on famously with a guy from Long Island, and when the party was over and it was time for the afterparty (read: bar gathering) he and I left together. Then when no further than the pizza restaurant's front door he said, "Are you coming to the bar?" clearly wanting me to walk with him to 6th Ave, and kick up the festivities a notch, it was as natural a thing for me to say "no, that's alright" as it was to burp up the pepperoni sitting in my knotted gut. And so, to the #1 Train I went, and then to Home Sweet Alone. That was Saturday. Next day, I didn't return to midtown convention life. I got more smoky meats from my fave BBQ joint, ate it in the park where liveth the aggressive squirrels (again), and went home to finish up one of the audio drama series.
I think the medication will help me at those social decision-gates. When I have the option to say yes, I think the medication will help me do that. If it doesn't work, then truly, I will not be getting married, or taking a lover, or doing anything else in life that involves a face-to-face personal relationship on the longterm.
And you know what else?
If the medication doesn't work, I'm deciding not to care. Because I do not want to spend what's left of my life in a miasma of regret and "I Wish I Coulds"
The sh!t is getting tired and I'm getting too effing old for it. It's time to love up on who and what I am, and eff the world if it can't take a joke. People appreciate me for what I already am. They like the work I do. And I do people good both in my hobby life and my professional life. Plus I'm saving money like never before.
If the medication doesn't work, then I'm done trying to fix me.
For now, anyway.