When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Monday, April 21, 2008

Paging Dr. Feelgood...!

Okay, my calls are on the phone-answering systems of two prescribing practitioners, as recommended to me by my therapist. Whoever gets back to me first scores the co-pay.

I am SO going to take these meds.

Yesterday, Sunday, I didn't even go to the convention. And mind you, Saturday night ended with a mix of avoidance and geek bonding. At the convention I got a couple of geekasms when I attended exclusive screenings for the Incredible Hulk movie due out this summer. (SPOILER:

Tony Stark, as played by Robert Downey Jr, is going to be in the Hulk movie, offering his services to Thunderbolt Ross to take down the Hulk. This opens the way for a future Avengers movie. Plus, the villain of the Hulk movie becomes that way because he takes a "Super Soldier serum"--which is the thing that made Captain America.


Was it good for you?)

I brushed paths with MFTD and his brother and his brother's friend. To be alone, I had sacrificed my time with them on Saturday. I did this both at home, and then after I got to the convention (to see the Hulk trailer. And Hellboy II and Indiana Jones IV and something else that I can absolutely not remember. Evidently it involved mutants and Xavier wiped all our memories.) When we finally caught up, we did that men's-circle insult, jibe, tough-talk, non-bonding bullcrap that we men do so terribly well, and then they left. And I sighed a breath of relief. He's my best friend, and I didn't want to hang out with him and his brother (and brother's friend).

Then after a very few more "hello's" to my podcasting geekmates, I left the con went a few blocks and some avenues over to buy a comicbook (hello, I had BEEN at a comic convention--what did I leave it for?), and waited for 8:30.

At 8:30, about 100 of us geeks had a geek-in at an upscale pizzeria, hosted and arranged by the two podcasters who held that party last year were I got my geek on, and took that b&w picture with the beautiful married British lady. I felt safe in the size of the crowd, and I even engaged a few in laughy conversation about comics and The Geek Life, and my Hulk revelations. Oh I was the life of my little section of the party. And I even made my way over, and sat at the table where the attractive Geek Girl I met in person on Friday was with her crew. But she preened about her boyfriend, as all hot chicks seem wont to do, and I disengaged after a little bit. I got on famously with a guy from Long Island, and when the party was over and it was time for the afterparty (read: bar gathering) he and I left together. Then when no further than the pizza restaurant's front door he said, "Are you coming to the bar?" clearly wanting me to walk with him to 6th Ave, and kick up the festivities a notch, it was as natural a thing for me to say "no, that's alright" as it was to burp up the pepperoni sitting in my knotted gut. And so, to the #1 Train I went, and then to Home Sweet Alone. That was Saturday. Next day, I didn't return to midtown convention life. I got more smoky meats from my fave BBQ joint, ate it in the park where liveth the aggressive squirrels (again), and went home to finish up one of the audio drama series.

I think the medication will help me at those social decision-gates. When I have the option to say yes, I think the medication will help me do that. If it doesn't work, then truly, I will not be getting married, or taking a lover, or doing anything else in life that involves a face-to-face personal relationship on the longterm.

And you know what else?

If the medication doesn't work, I'm deciding not to care. Because I do not want to spend what's left of my life in a miasma of regret and "I Wish I Coulds"

The sh!t is getting tired and I'm getting too effing old for it. It's time to love up on who and what I am, and eff the world if it can't take a joke. People appreciate me for what I already am. They like the work I do. And I do people good both in my hobby life and my professional life. Plus I'm saving money like never before.

If the medication doesn't work, then I'm done trying to fix me.

For now, anyway.


Vi said...

I hope the meds work for you. But I think you are great just as you are!!!

Alan said...

Thank you Vi. If the meds do not work, it will be because there's nothing wrong with me. :-)

The Neighbor said...

I don't even know where to begin. You're writing the wrong chapter, that's it. Not with the meds- by all means, take the meds, feel the effects, decide if you prefer them. But the only people I know who really NEED meds like these are deeply shockingly different without them. I don't see that, if you're asking.

What I do see, if you're asking, is a guy who is taking every decision a little too seriously. Not everything is all the way yes or no, black or white, on or off, going to happen, or not going to happen. I'm straight, but offer me a billion dollars and see how flexible my morals can be. There are no absolutes, not in this world. So there's no being done with trying to fix you. No decision other than whether you want a beer or not when asked.

I may be in a biased frame of mind, but the world is open to you if you are open to it. The not caring could be not minding, but I like where you're going.

As for the meds - I took some of them and I did not care for the three I tried over two and a half years. But again, I know some people who would be wrecks without them.

Alan said...

My goodness, Ned! I learned this lesson almost a year ago in therapy, and look how effectively I forgot it.

I agreed then and I agree now. There is no black and white. You're right.

It feels so empowering to make grandiose statements and stamp my foot. Action! Resolve! Go!

But really, all I want to do is be "normal". Ned, it feels like I never take the beer when asked. Well, it feels like it. But I guess in the past I have. My last girlfriend (before all this blogging I've done, both here and the last site) asked me to call her before we started dating. And I SO did. And we dated for about a year. It's like they don't make 'em like that anymore.

I want to be the one to ask next time. And at the pace I'm going, it's like if I don't, more alone years will slip by me.



GrizzBabe said...

You know, for the first time this past Sunday, I went to the cafe my new church has before the service. It's a place where people gather, drink coffee or juice, nibble on refreshments and talk.

I walked in, and immediately became nervous because I knew absolutely no one. Every one was already huddled in groups, and I didn't feel confident enough to interject myself into an ongoing conversation.

I poured myself some cranberry juice and surveyed the food. I discreetly walked away when some strange looking guy looked like he wanted to start a conversation with me. Or maybe he was waiting for me to move away from the pimento cheese sandwhiches so he could dive in.

I eventually ended up drinking my juice while walking around and pretending to read brochures. Several people said hi, and I returned their greetings, but I had no real conversations. After about 5 mintues I left to find my seat in the sanctuary.

I think I remember telling myself that I'll never do that again, but as I type this I am realizing that I probably shouldn't give up so easily. The more I go to the cafe, the more familiar I'll become to the people there, which is bound to lead to a conversation or two, maybe even a friendship.

I thought you had a good mix of social activity during the course of the weekend. It sounds like you struggled on Friday, but you managed to be sociable on Saturday.

So you're not a social butterfly, and there may be a limit to how much interaction you prefer to engage in. That's okay. I think after a day at the convention and an evening at the pizzeria, I would have gone home too.

Hopefully, the meds will help you during those times when you actually want to be sociable, but find it difficult due to fear.

GrizzBabe said...

Oh, and I had BBQ on Sunday too at a place I've never been to before. It was so good that I am going back next Sunday and ordering the ribs.

Alan said...

I know THAT'S right, Grizz! Let's go back together! You go to your place and I'll go to mine! When BBQ sauce is dripping from your chin, you look up to the north and I'll do the same, only looking down south. Then they can split the screen and it'll be like we're looking at each other with sauce all over our faces! LoL! What'll they play for theme music?

I boy oh boy, how I wish I had been there with you on Sunday. I'm looking forward to hearing how you progress. I know it'll be stellar. In fact, don't let all my nervous nelly talk make you more afraid than you have to be. Fear has its' place--to protect you from the loonies of the world. But if you see a pair of shoes you like on an approachable friendly person, go ahead and call them cute! Insta-Friend! Add water and stir! :-)