Well, I might be losing a little sleep tonight.
Back when I lived in Missouri, and I strove to become a part of a community out there, I had opened myself to them and entrusted them with my goals and desires.
I don't think I've learned to take full responsibility for my choices out there yet, but I simply must. I'm responsible for opening myself to them and trusting them. It had nothing to do with them--it was my choice to go and my choice to stay as long as I did.
Still, it was painful each time one of those who I trusted would reveal in a small or subtle way just what was really going on inside them were I was concerned. How a casual comment would uncover the wall that they had constructed between me and their lives. Or if not a casual comment, a bold declaration of opinion. Something delivered with conviction that both drew a line in the sand between us, and called into question the validity of anything I regarded as integral.
I guess I have to learn to accept that all my views, even the most important, most defining views that I hold fast to will not be shared--will even be diametrically opposed by people I hold in the highest regard. I'm a little confused, but I guess that they can or have accepted me too, even though they may have been thinking some pretty radically oppositional thoughts.
It just came like a gut punch. I just thought we had more in common.