Fringes sent me this once. Thought it bore repeating before I continue.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
And this article by Ta-Nehisi Coates entitled, "Nerd culture and Black people--not an oxymoron"
Okay, now on to my topic. I'm currently in Pennsyvania. Reading, in fact. No, no... I'm not reading. The town is called Reading. Except it's not called "Reading." It's called "redding". Okay? Okay.
I drove here last night after I visited with my last client. Straight from NYC to Reading. Because what's happening this weekend is This Event. This event is sprung out of the heads of the boys who created the forum that I frequent, which I like to call Geek Central.
I like to listen to a lot of comic podcasts, but being the caveman that I am, I don't download them and enjoy via mp3 player. Rather I just listen to them through my work computer or at home, through my laptop. And naturally, I crush on the voices talking about comics, and their wives, and their well-adjusted lives despite being Chief High Nerds. So when this event loomed near, I thought, "Yes, I'd like to go." But I didn't have that, "I'm so TOTALLY going." vibe.
Then the opportunity came up to get one of my favorite podcasters to go with me. I cajoled and persuaded and prodded and backed off and reapproached. I bought my tickets and my hotel room. And at the last, my favorite podcaster said he wasn't going.
Well, bummer. And then I looked in the mirror and faced it. I wanted him to come because I have a mancrush on him. He's married, of course (my favorite kind!), and i just wanted to watch him navigate with his friends. I wanted to become his satellite for the weekend. And possibly, (and definitely not for the first time), he could tell I crushed on him and just decided I was too creepy to meet in person. He gave me a lot of circumstantial evidence as to why he couldn't make it, and he remains very friendly via traded Personal Messages and shared forum posts. So I haven't killed our web-relationship. I just feel like a freaky little stalker who needs his leash yanked every so often.
It worked out really fine the last time I did this, as this evidence shows;
We left away from the event bonded and friendly and even adoring of one another. I've spoken to a few of those fellas via phone and the rest through dozens of message posts since then.
But now here? Well, I came down because I still do know some folks who will be attending. I'm friends with a few, and I've mentioned them before. One is the really nice guy who I broke bread with at the pizza party and who shouted me out on a podcast, and two others are folks I've dined with in other places. So I have peeps to hang out with while I'm here, even if I don't meet my mancrush--like, ever.
So ... why am I blogging in my hotel room right now instead of going out and meeting new and wonderful geeks?
I guess because I feel like my freak flag is showing. Like I'm here on false pretenses. And I did miss a dose of my meds day before yesterday, so I'm probably back in my phobic head right now until the restarted dose kicks in.
So I just want to stay in the room and lounge. Pass everyone by until I feel better.
Isn't that silly? And just a very little bit sad?
Edited to add; It's just Me, Myself, and I