When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Re-Evaluated

Thus ends three days of communion with My Hero. I have words to use, and they would do the job, but still it wouldn't be adequate. But I can tell you this; I was able to stammer out my thanks like Big Sad did Rocky. We had a quality conversation. (Included were your 'hellos', Steve. And someone told him it was my birthday tomorrow. He gave me a present. It's amazing that I could feel so close to someone so far away.)

Tonight, he went off to his plane in the company of the promoter and his son. He left me with a big hug (yes, My Hero is a huge hugger) and an enormous person-shaped vacuum in my chest. I went alone back to my car and weighed myself in the balance.

It isn't My Hero that I need. I need my other half. I'm just not a whole person. I can't be filled with the joy of quality companionship for three days and not notice the subzero absence of it when it hops on a plane to rejoin its life in California with its wife and two dogs. I may have a lot to offer as a friend, but I'm nothing compared to his Other Half, and rightfully so.

As I left the airport, I realized that I should either be driving away with my someone, or heading home to them as quickly as my tires could carry me.

I now know the difference. I'm not just Alone. I'm Lonely.

4 comments:

GrizzBabe said...

I know the feeling. So very well. I hope you find your other half.

Anonymous said...

Alan, I'm sure you'll find your other half. Know that you're never alone though. Try to tap into that place in you that is connected to everything and you wont feel alone. take care.

MONA said...

Aloneness is ultimate. there is no way to be anything other than alone. One can drown oneself in so many things, but again & again the truth asserts.
It is not the aloneness that creates sadness. It is one's idea that to be alone is to be sad that creates the problem. Aloneness is utterly beautiful because it is s profoundly free.

Aloneness misinterpreted looks like loneliness. In loneliness you go on missing the 'other', the other being any excuse that helps you drown your consciousness, any intoxicant...a man/ woman, a book...anything that helps you to forget yourself, that takes you away from self remembrance.

Aloneness is beautiful. It is when the other is no longer needed, when you are enough unto yourself. You are rich when you are alone, because you are so full & you have so much you can share. But you are poor when you are lonely. A lonely person's heart is a begging bowl.

A lonely person cannot relate because his need is so much. He clings and leans upon the other. He tries to possess the other because he is constantly afraid of desertion. In loneliness the possessing game becomes the biggest problem. Love becomes politics, love becomes domination and exploitation. This is because lonely people cannot love. They have nothing to give & bundled together, they create misery for each other.

Life becomes a bargain then. Relationships become a bargain, a continuous conflict.

Look at the couples who are always fighting each other. They cannot leave each other, & although they go on fighting they cannot leave.In act that is why they are fighting, so that nobody can leave.They cannot be at ease, because if they are at ease they will be at loss, as the other will exploit more.

One wonders why people don't leave each other if they are not happy with each other. They cannot live together, they cannot separate either. In fact the very idea of separation is creating the conflict.They cripple each other so that the other cannot escape even if he wants to escape. they burden each other with such responsibilities, such moralities. That even if the other leaves s/he will feel guilty.His own conscience will hurt & pinch him reminding him that he has done something wrong. And together...all that they do is fight. Together they are haggling for a price continuously. The so called love relationships & marriage today are not love. They are a market place.

Little Wing said...

Wow. What the beautiful Mona said.
The lady rocks, Alan.
I am so glad she is a small part of my life, and now yours!