Distracted

I can't focus when I'm at work anymore. Not when it comes to having an internet connection and needing to do reports. I spend about .368 seconds worrying about getting the paperwork done and then I go back to 'netsurfing.

I have so many things to choose from on the internets! There's all the blogs to your left, for instance. Today I found some good stuff over there!

First of all, Mike is going to propose to his girlfriend. This is what he said about her; "B is a great woman and I am lucky to have her. I am happy when I am with her, and miss her when I am not. I am going to propose to her because I want to marry her. And I want to spend my life with her." Siggghhh... he is so fantastic. He came to this conclusion after, and probably still during, the scare of an unplanned pregnancy. It put a rush on his plans while he had expressed his desire to continue to enjoy his singlehood, but ever since his divorce, he'd been hurting for someone to love him again, and when he found B, she was the content of his blog posts. He'd found happiness again. The pregnancy almost made him forget that. But he didn't forget it. He has renamed his blog to "Starting Over Again" and that's what he plans to do. He has the courage to obey his sensitive heart. He is fantastic and I wish him all the love and happiness that his fantastic heart can possibly stand.

Secondly, I'm toiling away on the new spinoff of the audio series I'm doing. It's exciting and an awesome escape from the toils of paperwork and reality. The paperwork, I will eventually get to.

But for reality--not so much.

We admire heroes because they can do things we can't (and they look fantastic doing it). Launching across the sky in a pair of red speedos and pegging a nuclear missile with your face for the sake of the millions of people below--that's the stuff of legend.

But for me? A man who survives his divorce, is sensitive enough to cry for help and accept it, and then recovers enough strength to go back into those waters? And when those waters get rough, to still swim against the currents of fear and doubt to secure new love? To me, this is the equivalent of flight and invulnerability. This is Superman. This is what I am not. It isn't my quirks that I fear being exposed to someone significant. It isn't my geekiness. It's my cowardice.

I have a type of muscular dystrophy in my heart. It is withered and barely beating--weak and barely keeping me alive. Of course, I mean this in the emotional sense. My life support is found online, in all of your words and stories. In your acts of bravery and survival. If I can read, I can live. And too, it's in the lives of my clients. My energy grows for them. I'm made alive by their struggles for life. For them, I can move mountains. And my life support is in my stories--whether I'm writing them for a superhero, or for my friends to interact against the dragon I'm throwing at them, or in the wizard that I become once a week. If I can dream, I can live.

But I cannot act.

I'm too distracted.