When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

You Know, I Don't Believe I Like This At All

My mood from yesterday won't go away. Damn it, I feel so pissy.

Yesterday I put in a call to MFTD to get some phone love in the absence of a good hug. I said to him, "Validate me." He commenced to trying to fix me instead of just freaking hugging me. Then of course he had to hang up so he could go work one of his many jobs, thereby pulling in his three figure salary (combined with his lovely wife's of course) so they can maintain their standard of living in Connecticut by the bay, and he said he'd call me back, but has he? Nooooo.

And why should he--I'm just a whiny, needy little bitch who he's tired of going round and round with on this pathetic little merry-go-round that I call My Redeemable Life.

And am I jealous of him? Hells yes, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of everybody. And I'm so effing mad about that that I feel evil right now. DAMMIT!

I don't like this! I don't like this!!


People, pay no attention to the crazy little man in the cage. Enjoy your lives. You deserve to.

I'll be fine eventually. Or not. What the hell ever.

I need an increase in my meds.


Eliel Mamousette said...

Better that you rant and vent here than to take it out on strays, I say.

But seriously, and adjustment could b e called for. Also, you could be having some side-effects, too. See your prescriber sooner rather than later.

Alan said...

If by "side-effects" you mean "crappy, sinkhole, trainwreck of a life" then yeah.

lofl ffs

The Neighbor said...

Your Friend The Doctor means well, I'm quite certain.

Feeling pissy is ok - we all have days and weeks that we're not at our best, and if I'm not mistaken, your brain chemistry is still under revision, right?

Anyhow, on the jealousy tip, everyone is jealous of someone. It's a natural occurence in a capitalist and shallow society like ours. I want what that guy's got.

The unspoken beauty here is that someone out there is jealous of you. Break it down: you have an education, a career, a place to live, friends to talk and correspond with, a computer, a creative mind, interests that you share and indulge in -> that's a lot, Alan. It's all relative, of course, because we tend to focus on what we don't have first and strongest. Like the lady friends.

You, my e-friend, need to chillax. Only your prescriber can tell if you need an increase in your meds, but I doubt you do. I, in fact, suspect you don't need them.

How can I say this - you need to put yourself out of your head and get out and put other people inyour head. When I was blogging about She-Who-Will-Never-Be-Mentioned-Again so avidly and obsessively, it was literally all I could think about. My boss' would shit if they knew how much of my work day was spent obsessing over the blog and sitemeter.

But as soon as I set out to amuse myself - just to have fun, things really smoothed out for me.

I think the free hugs idea is a good one. Go somewhere where no one will know you, put up your sign, and smile. It won't hurt to smell good. Yes, you'll get plenty of non-takers, as that guy did. That's life. But he got lots of hugs, Alan.

You would too. The most you risk is dignity, and shoving that aside is damned refreshing sometimes.

I don't know if this helps, but I hope you feel better.

Vi said...

Hey you haven't been around to mine lately, so probably don't know, that I know something to cheer you up. You are in the warchild book, now available to buy!

Tera said...

You do not need an increase in meds, and if I can be real with you...Yes, vent here. Nobody will come to a pity party, so let it all out and focus on solutions for how you feel. No band-aid solutions...REAL solutions.

Alan said...

You're right Ned, he did mean well. We're both in the same field and he was heading off to do the kind of job that I dropped out of--house-to-house at-risk kids. So I know how taxing that was. At the same time, I've been wearing him out for years now with the same old story, sometimes up, sometimes down. He was really invested in my Match.combination and now that I'm telling him I don't think I'll pursue it anymore, I'm sure he's let down. He wants to see me happy for once, and God knows I want to be, hence the meds--so I'm trying to get the most happiness that I think I can obtain in this position. His workload and my problems are a heavy burden, so surely he took a bit of a break. I had to call him today about a separate matter and I didn't revisit my problems so effectively I let him off the hook.

I'm so happy that you caller her SWWNBMA that I'm a little less jealous that you found The Librarian -- or she, you. You should pay attention at how obssessed you were and purpose never to let that happen to you again. It was ever so slightly scary to watch, my friend. Don't even obssess as much over The Librarian. Make it work--give her whatever space she might need.

Meanwhile, before I flip this around and try to give you more advice, I thank you for everything you've said to me. I will in fact chillax and enjoy the things I do have. And seriously, the meds make doing that easier.

I was just brought a little low by a failure in my support system combined with reading all about the wonderful ways you guys are finding/enjoying such qualitative relationships.

Vi, I honestly forgot to bookmark your new site so if you can e-mail me again that'd be great! I did learn I made it into the book from over at Fringes' place. A lot of of got in there! WooooooT!!

Alan said...

Tera, you were typing at the same time I was! I learned a little bit ago that I was the sole occupant at my pity parties here at This Redeemable Life. And yes, I'm working on real solutions to my feelings--more than I ever have done before. No, really. REALLY. I'm sure if I get some resolution, I'll blog about it, but definitely not now.

Scott said...

I've been down just like you. I can feel it in your words. There is no medical solution to your problem, as others have pointed out. It's just something you have to work through. The first step, ironically, is to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Unfortunately, nobody really likes a whiner (your blog buddies support you, that's not what I'm saying), so dumping on someone else, and especially that same someone else, constantly is a sure-fire way to cause friendly burnout. Neediness can only last for so long, and you need to step it up inside your head and decide that enough is enough. There is no magic vibe that you are sending out that uniquely targets you for scorn. It's all in how you interact with the world. Just know that you are a worthwhile person. Nix that. Know that you are a wonderful person--really know it. You'll find that others agree. It all starts with your refusal to be defeated. Be a super hero, if only to yourself.

Alan said...

Scott, your regard for me does me good like a medicine. :-)

In my latest conversation with MFTD we had mucho laughs and mucho avoiding of my pissing and moaning. I'm working on another trip in July, and this one is going to be even bigger and better than the one I'm taking in a week.

And I'll tell you when I feel at my best--when I'm walking away from the counseling center, having just been a therapist to distraught people who's lives were actually, honestly helped by coming to see me. That's when I believe that I have some kind of worth on this planet. That's when my heart gets to take a little flight around Columbus Circle.

Now I'm working on the other hours of my life.

Tera said...

Alan just know that we are all here :) and hey, go on over to my place for a good laugh!

Alan said...

Tera, I'm going to add you to my blog roll so I don't keep forgetting. Thank you for the company! :-)