When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Whirlwind

In response to the comments of the last post, Tera, I have learned quite well. I'm paying for the services, so they have to step to me correctly. If not, I am going to let them know this. :-D

Scott, it was the whirlwind that I used to fear. Or maybe something nameless. Just a general "Oh No, I'd Better Not"-ness of life. Whatever that was, it's been keeping me back for decades. For me it didn't just end at a service counter. It's a miracle that I have had jobs, any girlfriends, or made any major changes at all.

I mean, I guess I can afford to give myself some credit where it's due. I have fought through a lot of fear and have successfully carried out a lot of life decisions. Before I started blogging, I didn't have a lot of people in my corner. There was MFTD, but precious little else. I'd already effectively left my religion, so all those supports were gone. But I did do things.

Yet, I look back and I see a succession of flops. All the women I've left. All the jobs I've burned through. I once had a job that pays me more than I make now, which was visiting at-risk youth in their homes, assessing their needs, and supervising counselors. I abandoned it because the fear of visiting these unknown places and facing unknown challenges grew to the point of phobia. That was when I first lived in NYC. When I stopped that job, I lost the ability to afford to stay in NY, and thus my eviction. When I look back on the original blogposts of that job, it's clear to see the anxiety creeping up on me. I had put it in writing. I soldiered on. I was using the blog to slog it out. But obviously, it was not enough.

Even the job I have right now--guess what? I've had it for 2 1/2 years, and I've already burned through all my personal/sick time. I have zero hours. I didn't spend them all on car accidents, let me tell you. I spent them on late arrivals at the job, and days I didn't feel good enough to even go to work. I've posted on some of those days. I called them "Playing Hooky," while most of the people I work with are being penalized for having too much sick time and never having used them. NEVER USING SICK TIME?!!? Unimaginable to me to believe that people could work five days a week, 4.3 weeks a month, 12 months a year, year after year without taking off anything but the holidays. Unfathomable.

Why did I wait so long to get treatment? By its sheer definition, I had/have a disorder. There were literally days in my life that I couldn't function. And if not days, then crucial hours at the least. Hours that threw me off game for the rest of the day.

Bah. Blub blub blub. Done now. Future's ahead. I've gotten treatment. I'm not just a "morning person" now. I'm a "functioning person."

That's alright with me.

So let's end on a laugh, shall we?

Look what I found. There's a series of this lil' dude...


akakarma said...

Make sure you tell your prescriber ALL of your side effects since there are alot of different, more gently energizing, antidepressants/antianxiety meds out there than (am I remembering right?) Prozac. I've seen many an unsuspecting person take a seemingly innocuous antidep. and end up manic- which is very uncomfortable and even dangerous since some of the SSRI's can trigger BiPolar episodes. Sounds tho to me that anxiety was your biggest foe, the whirlwind and things are going well! best to you big guy.

Alan said...

Thank you, Karma. I'm not taking Prozac--oh gads no! How very "Sex and the City/Desperate Housewives/Dynasty!" But I will definitely tell the doc everything.

This morning was another succesful wake. I got up, showered, assembled my gear, got to the gym, worked out, stretched, showered again, clothed, and got to work by 8:00AM sharp. I don't feel manic--I do know what that's like. I just feel "normal". I feel like I performed what thousands of people do in the mornings--hundreds of thousands in NYC alone if my eyes don't decieve me.

I feel good.

GrizzBabe said...

Showering before going to the gym?

Maybe I need to take those meds. I am soooo not a morning person.

Tera said...

I don't give a damn how much treatment I am given, I'm not sure I would EVER be a morning person!!!

The honest truth is that I fear psych meds...I actually refrain from taking ANY meds unless I absolutely have to. I always thought they served more of a placebo effect than anything, but my views are changing on that since I have friends and others who attest to their miraculous abilities to "cure."

Alan said...

Grizz, I showered today before the gym because I was extra funky from yesterday. That's right, I didn't shower yesterday. (!!!) I just rolled out of the bed and lurched into the day. I usually shower to wake up, but yesterday I had no time and had already promised to make an 8:00 meeting. Normally I do wait until I go to the gym. That's right, I'm an unshowered man on the weight machines!! (But I towel everything off, and I'm well layered.)

Tera, what it seems to me is that I was in a state of some kind of clinical depression. Or that I still am, but the meds are counteracting it. I can't say I'm "cured" because as yesterday shows, if I stop the meds, I'm back to morning sluggishness. And see, the sluggish makes for a miserable morning. Every morning. I have had to get online and surf at Geek Central and at your blogs before I felt ready to go do what I have to do. Otherwise I'd rather lie in the bed until I'm interested in the day. And the day only seems interesting if I'm going to get to do what I want to instead of what I have to. Many was the weekend when I stayed in the house all day, only leaving to get some food. Many many. Too many. Because I have internet hobbies, I didn't feel like I was isolating from the world, but I so did/do. When I post about my weekends and I put up pictures, it's because I feel so accomplished that I made it out of the house.

This has been my life for close to 30, maybe 35 years, starting when mom went to work on the weekends and I got to stay at home alone and watch her porn on the 8mm stashed in her closet. Yes, I said 35 years ago. Yes, I said her porn.

I don't know if the meds are miraculous, but I believed Coaster Punchman when he said they change his life, and I believed my other two friends when they said the same--and now I'm feeling the benefits too.

The litmus test will be in Da Club, or on the next date. I don;t think I had enough in me when I was dating Match Girl-I, but that's her loss. She wasn't patient enough to find out how fantastic I am, lol!

Tera said...

You betta tell it!!! BTW how is it going with Match Girl III (right?)

Tera said...

P.S. Where in the hell have you been? Haven't seen ya round my place...

Scott said...

I never use my sick time--how funny is that? I probably wouldn't even use vacation time if it weren't for my wife being on top of it. That's almost as sad as always using it, don't you think?

Alan said...

See, Tera! You missed it! Match Girl-III dumped me days ago, lol! And I think I have been by your place--lemme go see if I missed anything--

Scott, I can't tell what's more sad. I want to take vacations now and it's going to cost me. You still have the ability to do so, which you completely should in celebration of your huge moral victory! In so many ways, I'd still rather be you than me. :-)

A Shade Of Scorpio said...

Alan its awesome to explore the flops. I wanted to of course say instead, *think of all the things you HAVE been good at, or HAVE seen through* but you know what? You're focused on the flops in this one, and that's cool too. Because flops are the bomb!!!! Nothing motivates change more than looking back on stuff and being embarassed about your *stuff* to your own damn self. Not that you are. I know for me, there are times I could walk past a mirror and be like "Don't look at me!"

I love the quiet confidence going on here - i.e. the returning of the drink. I'm so bad at that stuff. I could probably accidentally buy a hand grenade that goes off and then be like, *well, buyer beware you know*. I just have to make friends with people who will do it for me. =)
so glad to hear its lookin' allllright. And uh, sorry for the heatwave buddy. I'll try to meet up with him in Montana next time.