Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. This post will have precisely nothing to do with the Mets. Or any sports at all. Unless you consider this volleying back and forth of my emotions a sport.
In the last few days GrimJester and MFTD have given me two plans to leave my day job and stretch out and attempt to turn my night job into a fulltime gig. So I'm getting that wanderlust again.
When This Redeemable Life gets stagnant (not the blog but the actual article in question --the life) then I get the urge to pick up and scoot. Last year I didn't feel like I should go a'wandering because I was exiled to George's basement and paying no rent and so should've been saving a ton of money (even though I wasn't) instead of going anywhere. But I DID pay off all my creditors and eliminated that debt. But then the car accident advented (the first one) and I needed to buy a new car. And that was when George gave me my walking papers. I've gone by his house a few times during the last year (fortuitously missing him) and saw that the "putting the house for sale" excuse was a total lie. He probably saw me buying a new car a got insulted that I was freeloading off him--although that's exactly what he offered for me to do. I guess if a bloke is doing badly, you feel more charitable than if a bloke is doing well. But trust and believe--I am more grateful to George for kicking me out than I am to him for taking me in. HAHA! It's TRUE!
So the move back to New York scratched that wanderlust itch last year. Now ... I'm getting it again. Moving is like I'm actually doing something constructive in my life. And the sense of putting the past behind me, or at least, the sense of dropping a pile of responsibility is a heady one. It's like coming out of a chrysalis and flying free.
It could very well be a poor replacement for changing my life with a relationship, but let's face it. That's just not going to happen to me. I'm on meds, and now I'm happy not trying anymore. It's such a hassle. Maybe not for you, dear reader, but it is for me. It's just who I am. As a therapist, I get the chance to interact with the most intimate details of the lives of human beings and make a difference in their lives for the better. That is full of relationship satisfaction. And I get paid for it. With a potential of making a LOT of it (money). Thereby being able to buy all the comicbooks I want. And take as many trips as I want. And I think that's just going to be me. No fuss, no muss.
So I want to quit my day job, sell off my car, (even if at a loss), to get rid of the payments and insurance costs and the gas prices and the bridge toll (40.00 a week), and take on more clients at the counseling center to become a full time therapist.
But mostly, I want to scratch this itch. And watch Doctor Who. And read blogs, answer e-mail, and post on comicbooks blogs and make adventure audios.
And be happy.
I wanna be happy.
5 comments:
Ironically, I find that being happy is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have. So mos def, be happy. And watch what happens.
Just be happy because you are happy with your life, not because of who you are with. And don't let that change.
My .02
That's it right there - the just being happy part. I like saying the word Seriously, so here it comes. Seriously - you da psych major, not I, but it seems natural that once you don't care about certain things - or rather working toward them like you have a quota, life gets really good. It feels great not to fuss about that shite. All you can do is your part if your heart is in it, and when your heart accelerates to 100%, stoof happens. Like all those fun The Secret books, and Law of Attraction. Well, whatever it's called. Intention. Anyhoo - after Mr. Hoo Hah mcBlah Blah left last year I felt like crap and after getting that first bedroom moment over with someone new to get his nasty vibes off of me, I just didn't care anymore about relationships for a while. Just wanted to be me. I went on Match of course but my heart wasn't in that. Sometimes you just have to go get a large drink (caffeine in my case) and sit down with your fave reads. Even if its the cereal box. During that downtime is when all that cool new stuff starts flowing into your head. yes. So let us hear relaxed, indulgent Alan now. =) The person checking behind sofas for your heart will come through when you least expect it. Cuz you won't be thinking about it! And holy crap - you can SO do this gig full time that you want to do. Yes you can. Yes you can. Yes you can.
Whoa. Sorry buddy. I wrote a novel on your page. =)
Well Ned, here's the thing. I am not happy with my life. But I'm determined to get happy with it. Because this is all there is to it. This is what it is. And either I take meds and "take the edge off" it or I leave it altogether in a beautiful swan dive out over Broadway. Simple as that.
I chose the meds.
Dawn, you are more than welcome to write me a novel.
And if, as you and Ned suggest, someone notices my not-caring-their-noticing, and find that attractive -- well isn't it ironic?
Dontcha think?
A little TOO ironic.
Yeah I really do think.
Because at that point, I won't want someone coming in and messing up my gig. Whoever she or he is, they better be very very effing persuasive and they better be 150% BANGIN', and they better effing treat me the way I deserve to be treated because I'll be damned if I let the person who is supposed to care about me treat me like crap. I'd rather be alone and have meds leaking out of my ears than to live the last half of my life the way I lived the first half. And that's for damn sure.
And again, I'm back to pissy.
Rrgh.
Eff it.
This might all look better in the morning.
Still, I appreciate the time and effort on my behalf.
Your soulmate will fit into your happy-not-noticing life so seamlessly that you won't even realize it at first. Yes, eventually you may find yourself needing a little give and take, but I guarantee you that you will WANT to at that point.
Be yourself first and foremost, and be happy above all else, and watch how things spiral dizzyingly towards awesome.
I've seen it. I've lived it. It's better than sex, drugs, car racing, skydiving, puppies, chocolate, coffee, comics, and it's almost as good as music.
Almost.
So mos def - happy first and foremost. Love yourself first and others will follow suit.
I promise this is true.
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