On The Odd Chance That You Don't Know Me ...

... this is the movie that you should see. "Little Manhattan" It was filmed in 2004, and I remember reading the street notices announcing that the sidewalks and roads would be closed so the filming could take place there for the movie. I was living with George in NJ at the time, so I didn't have the luxury of stalking the movie set. I was fascinated, but I didn't follow the progress. When it was released in the theatres, I made the appropriate "Oh!" of acknowledgment. And time passed.

This morning, I saw the movie.

Me and it has two things in common.

1) The Upper West Side. The cinematography chronicles the bulk of my heart for Manhattan. It is shot on location all in, out, around, down, and through my favorite neighborhood. If you see this movie then you see where I do what I do when I do what I do.

2) It portrays the emotion maturity at which I am stuck. I cannot say with any real confidence that I'm much older in my head and heart than the little protagonist in this movie. My consolation for this, of course, is that probably most of us are also in the same place. Not 'most of us' as in 'bloggers', or just 'the readers of this blog'--but as in 'the human race'.

We are have doubts and fears that make going into relationships an absolute roller coaster. Some people like rollercoasters. Some laugh and raise hands in anticipation during the slow climb to the top. Some look at the dizzying heights with amazement and wonder. Some embrace the danger of the imminent drop.

Me ... not so much.

But I have to learn to because there just is no alternative. We all live on a rollercoaster.

Okay, so I e-mailed an invite to meet her somewhere in the NYC, where she said she comes and enjoys. And while I wait for an answer, my brain is trying to kill me. I'm thinking that I should have made it a definite place and time, but I don't know if she's even free on Monday yet. And I'm also thinking that I didn't make it a definite place and time because I'm scared poopless to ask for a real date. Plus I only have close to a hundred $$$ for wining and dining, and no credit, so I'm thinking my dating potential sucks. And I'm thinking that she is a successful, famous, amazing girl who'll have no patience for my broke ass. But too, I'm thinking that my being cautious, or just not-aggressive-enough is a fatal flaw. I'm thinking that if she responds positively to me, she'll just do so out of catching up conversation with an old friend because I'm not the kind of guy that makes the ladies swoon (except in my head, when I'm The Sexy Barista, and I'm not even that anymore). I'm just a friendly, nice, safe guy that girls just like. And even though she's the girl of my dreams, I'm thinking that I won't be the guy of her dreams.

And I'm thinking that I'm overthinking. And I'm driving myself nuts. And I think I'm already forming my coping mechanism for failure when I haven't even really failed yet. And I'm thinking how much more being safely on the ground feels so much better than this rollercoaster. But being on the ground means not being alive. But I've gotten comfortable and used to not being alive. I guess that makes me a zombie.

Some people like zombies.
I'm just a total wreck.
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