I Think I'm Ready For An Entry

:-)

Here I am, up early, so I can accommodate a client's need to be seen according to their schedule. For them I can do it. For my day job? Not so much. But we'll see. I did it today--I'd like to do it all next week. Oh didn't I tellyou? My inner morning guy died the death ages ago. The meds helped awaken him, but they weren't enough. No stumblin' to the kitchen, no poruing myself a cup of ambition.

So Wednesday night I got with Former Pastor and a huge platter of the geek brethren, including the friendly geek who shouted me out once on a podcast and made me feel special. Unfortunately I wasn't able to spend the full night with them, but I did pair off with one person who kept it interesting. And there is the promise of more when the Geek Event happens next month.

At the Geek Event, there is also the promise of meeting new folks who make some of the podcasts that I listen to (as I did last year down in Ned's territory). Those podcasts are like geek blogs for your ears. While waxing eloquent and intelligent about the geek medium of comicbooks and superheroes, they also expose their personalities, their senses of humor, their passion, and elements that I find I have in common with them. So what happens? Of course, I form mancrushes and wish to be their bestest friends ever!

Set myself up for failure much?

Former Pastor stretched out a compassionate metaphorical hand to me on Wednesday and I didn't take it. I don't think I slapped it away, but having been one to reach out the same on different occasions, I guess it can feel like a slap when not taken. But he took me a little by surprise. I didn't think I telegraphed a sense that I was in emotional distress, but Former Pastor said he was worried about me just the same.

And too, my Former Father Figure has left me a few messages since we met those few weekends ago and I haven't responded yet.

And here's something else I did--I blew the lid off my longterm gaming group when Grim Jester snapped at us, ala e-mail, for not committing to cancel a meeting last weekend when it snowed. He said he didn't want to play psychological games while we looked to place the blame on someone for canceling the meeting, so he canceled it for us. So not being one to ignore the bait, I wrote back to the group that he was our defacto leader because when he didn't attend our get togethers, no one else wants to either. And yes, I was "looking" at my passenger--although we have gotten together without Grim. So yeah, I pretty much was a prick about it, knowing in my heart that I resented Grim's power of persuasion and leadership. So how did he respond? He ignored it, then declared a geektogether for tomorrow. Gotta love his style. Or hate it.

Speaking of style, My Scott Ellis wrote a kickass short story for a contest that he and his literary blogmates frequently enter. One of his blogmates is about to have her first novel published. I suspect that as soon as he puts his first novel together, Scott will be having the same success. And I've suspected that for years now.

In all this observation of my friends' lives and goals, I have to keep reminding myself that I too have achieved some small amount of goal-reaching. Because it damn sure doesn't feel like I have. Maybe something in the way I've been writing has betrayed me, here. Maybe that's what Former Pastor has seen.

But for all my forging ahead, it still feels like I've gotten nowhere. My Colleague's flirtations have died. I guess she's chosen the security of her man over the unknown quantity of me. Which was a good choice for her actually. I'm sure her man doesn't present the kind of drama I would bring. And Fringes is now married to Q and is about to have their baby. And Grizzbabe is engaged. And Ned is off the radar again because his life has taken an upturn socially. And Scott is writing again and has a loving family. And MFTD has a to-die-for house, a doctorate, a wife, a baby.

And me?

And me?

Well ... I help people. Last night I took a case for free when the client showed up for the appointment that the center made for us sans a dime in his pocket and no intention to pay. Yet he was suicidal and bawling his head off. So I served him. I hope the director HATES that I did that, just as a twist. Because I didn't schedule it, HE did.

And speaking of schedule, let me dash. After my ultra-early client, I'm going to the gym. Because I'm fairly sure I weigh more now than I did before I went on Nutrisystems. And if that's not a sign, then nothing is.

Anyway. This is the part where I try to sum up the bad with something good, but that was the best I could do. More frequently, I'm living vicariously through my clients. As always, your encouragements are welcomed.