Okay, so last night I'm hanging out with MFTD in my dream. We're on our way to a church service back in our old church. It's a part of the "reconcile with my past" program that I've been on ever since I had lunch with my Former Father Figure. Even though MFTD has WAY more problems with my old church than I do (mind you I gave more years of my life to it than he did, and he came away from the whole experience with a doctorate and a wife, and ultimately, the most ass-kickingest house and mancave known to geekdom), still there he was in my dream, coming along with me to see our former brethren and sistren, and our Former Pastor.
So in we go, and who do we see first? Sister Whoopindiddle and Her Daughters. One of her daughters is my age and I thought about getting with her in times past, but she never really appealed to me on any level. Of all the girls I had dated and been engaged to, none of them were in this family.
Until now. Yes, in this dream, the girl I was engaged to was Sister Whoopindiddle's daughter too. And as it turned out, I remembered as I saw her and her family, that I was supposed to have been there at the church the day before. Because that was our wedding day. And as I stood there realizing that, "oh yeah, that's right! Our wedding date was yesterday, wasn't it--? CLANG!! Whoopindiddle Jr. clouts me in the back of the head with a frying pan. She and her mother and other sisters (not my fiancee, however. I had devastated her too badly to have been there) began to tell me what a horrible person I was to have left their loved one stranded at the altar. And yes, I had to agree with them, but it was an honest mistake. And too, that isht hurt my head! Just because I did that didn't mean Whoopindiddle Jr. had the right to strike me! And in the dream, it was one of those sensations where you know some damage was done. I felt the impact, the jolt of my senses, and the throb of bonedeep pain, without the actual pain. Kind of like the dream was sending me every signal that there was damage except the pain that would have made me call 911 for real.
In the dream, I tried to make the best of the situation, because again, I felt that what I had done wasn't THAT bad. I mean, no one called me the day before, did they? And I was there now, wasn't I? I hadn't abandoned her forever? I just forgot a date. What's the big?
But they weren't having it. Not even MFTD. He was all like, "No, dude, this was bad."
So in a flash, I said "FUC& IT!" and threw a bag of frozen veg mix (you know, the peas, corn, and carrot cubes that have that pretty color scheme?) into a credenza for a nice glass-shattering finale, and stormed out. I left MFTD with the Whoopindiddles and sped off. I was leaving them for good. All my attempts to reconcile with my past, all thoughts of meeting with my Former Pastor, MFTD and his perfect life, and religion--everything. I was deciding that I no longer owed anyone anything. I decided that it was time to live for myself.
Oh I was PISSED.
Then I woke up.
And I don't still have those feelings. I don't want to leave it all behind. I just don't want to be punished for my mistakes anymore.
Dream analysts, go for it.