The Upside Of Being Me

So yeah, yesterday was a day of melancholy. I was so moved by it that I left Grim Jester a phone message with the most emo content I've ever given him. He might receive it--he's pretty vulnerable these days. But I knew I'd have to go over his house to see him. So instead I went over the friend's house who didn't want to play D&D that day because Grim wasn't going to be there (y'all remember that?).

Yeah, he lives within walking distance, which is why I pick him up to go to the D&D game. And he's invited me over by e-mail (because he never uses his phone. He hates his phone. All phones. I know ... where do I get these friends? Grim Jester, that's where) but I haven't wanted to go over there because this guy is a recluse and a little sociopathic, and he likes to use me for therapy. And when I'm not working, I'd rather keep not working.

But yesterday I was feeling the lonelies and Captain Hypocrite tapped me on the shoulder and grinned broadly in my face as I realized that I had the nerve to feel lonely when I had this standing invite a half hour's walk away. So I went, and we had a good time. He showed me a few of his favourite obsessions and I made sweet love to his cat, who is the runt of Azrael's litter. SO cute. SO so friendly and purry and rubby and twiny and meowy and warm and soft and pretttttttttty. (Yes, maybe the cat was a bigger draw than I first anticipated. And yes, I will be visiting again to see 1) the cat and 2) my friend, in that order. Shoot, he was ready to stand ME up in favor of Grim Jester! I don't owe him nothin'! I'm not mad at him. I just wanna see the cat again.)

But anyway, we watched "Dexter" the Showtime series? He collects movies and shows so I requested the show that he said I would love.

And what do you know?

I loved it.

And as we watched, I wondered why we both loved it so. He said he already knew why HE loved it. It was because he and Dexter had so much in common. You see, Dexter narrates the show. He explains what it's like inside his head. He is a psychopath of the genteel kind. He's a serial killer who has been guided into killing only people who deserve it by his cop father who loved his little psychopathic foster son. And so Dexter is charming on the outside and an emotionless murderer on the inside. In the pilot episode, the only thing that aroused his passion was the work of another serial killer. Everything else, he performs. Smiles, social niceties, love ... it's all a reproduction that he's picked up along the way. We find this out as he narrates his relationships with his sister, his collegues in the police department, and his girlfriend and her two kids.

So tell me... why did I feel like I found my brother in Dexter? The way my friend does? Remember back when I first met Ned, and I proposed that maybe we both had Asperger's? That we were removed from some social mores and that possibly we were just born this way? I revisited that again when I was watching Dexter.

And I practically skipped home.

So ... what if, yeah? I'm a 44-Year Old Virgin because I just don't get it? That I just never got it? And that maybe I just won't ever get it? That I haven't dug in them gutz with a woman or a man because to me it's just a thing that people do and it just doesn't appeal enough to me? That I know what sexual desire is, and the feeling of the male O is a vivifying treat on so many masculine levels--but that whole with another person thing can sometimes just be so ... euw? Smells and sights and gasses from every orifice and sticky, pasty, cloudy fluids spilling here and staining there. And like Dionne Warwick said;

"What do you get
When you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs
To catch pneumonia.
And when you do,
He never phones ya."

Maybe I'm just not made for relationships! Maybe, like Dexter, I can analyze and apply my observations for others, but I'm perfectly content to watch from inside my beautiful little Asperger's bubble?

and maybe that's just me, and maybe that's o-effing-kay?

Because guess what? Today I got a call from someone who found my resume on Monster and wanted to know if I was interested in a part-time position using my license here on Isla de Manhatan, which at 24-27 hrs a week will net me as much as I make in NJ at 40 hrs/wk. Add to that the absence of a car payment, the car insurance, and tolls and gas, and whew does it tempt my soul. I'm waiting to see if he calls me back on Friday for an interview.

So who needs a relationship right now? I'm still building something here! I'm making a life! I don't have time to wine and dine! I still gotta get out of Jersey! I still gotta pitch my money pit of a car! I still gotta sock three months rent away in an account! I still got a belly to lose! I still got insurances to become a provider for!

I'm not finished yet!

This...


IS...


...ALAAAAAANNNNN!!!!

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*squish*