...steal the covers, share some skin."
There are two directions you need to go in order to get the fullness of this post, but I don't know which way to point you in first. so let me get this out of the way; I reposted the "Nick & Nora's..." review.
In it, you will find the continuing saga of my conflicts about sexuality. You will also find a description of a guy from Geek Central who I blatantly insist that I would not take an opportunity to reveal my struggles to. For brevity, I'll reprint here what I said;
"So now this guy is a fountain of information for me, right? A veritable Fort Knox of sexuality. So do I spill...?
No I do not. Becaue I do not want to identify myself as such. I do not want to make the leap into lifestyle. I do not want him to begin equipping me in the war, supplying my front lines, or breaking down my defenses for that matter. I don't want a gateway in, I want a gateway out.
That's what I want. I want not to."
Grizz, as sexy as your scenario sounded for the way I got my date last night, I'm afraid it's not so. My date was with the gentleman in question, the former pastor.
While I insisted that I wouldn't, I knew that I had to.
Dawn, you felt that God gave me a b-day present in this date. He did, even if not for the exact reasons you may have meant. Former Pastor and I shared our stories, and he was extremely gracious in allowing me to deny myself, struggle with myself, and resist myself--although in essence I was denying, struggling with, and resisting his sexuality. Instead of being offended, he was understanding and he's going to join us here at Redeemable Life to help me on this journey. That's a b-day present fo' yo' ASS right there!
And here's something I haven't widely shared, but since I'm processing, I might as well go ahead and process. And
Eliel, you already know this-- Steve Carell has nothing on me. I've now got him beat by four years and going strong!
I've another thing to say, too. I feel like I need to apologize for the misleading post about having a date with a boy. I didn't ask to have dinner with Former Pastor with romance in mind, and I don't think he interpreted that way either--but he knew I had something brewing behind these eyes when I discovered more about his history.
But having posted it, and seeing how much support you guys would give me if I were to take a date up with a dude ... well ... I'll be honest.
I didn't want it. I wanted someone to rescue me. If I could find the dial for my sexual determination, I'd dial it to a slobbering, knuckle-dragging, beer swilling, fart-in-public, belch-without-restraint maximum hetero-ness setting. (And then I'd dial it down a notch, because farting in public? Euw!) But having gotten the support and the love ...
Ned, I am sorry. You're my family. I cherish your support and pride. I need it, in fact. Do I have to be gay to earn it? I'm gambling that the answer is no and I think my odds are good. You're filled with more integrity than I feel that I possess right now, and I think you understand, as you've done so often already. I need you understand and help me with this.
Eliel, here is the heart of the matter; how do I determine my sexuality without giving myself a chance with a woman?
I like breasts! I love a good set of hips that sway down 5th Avenue. I still want to press the side of my head against the flat belly of a maiden, and yes, my jawline would be capping her feminine V like a hat brim.
Please be patient with me guys and gals. If you think I seem a mess, imagine what it'd be like to BE me. Not all fun & games, lemme tell ya.
But I so love you all. so much. so so much.