When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Sunday Morning, Rain Is Fallin' ...

...steal the covers, share some skin."

There are two directions you need to go in order to get the fullness of this post, but I don't know which way to point you in first. so let me get this out of the way; I reposted the "Nick & Nora's..." review.

In it, you will find the continuing saga of my conflicts about sexuality. You will also find a description of a guy from Geek Central who I blatantly insist that I would not take an opportunity to reveal my struggles to. For brevity, I'll reprint here what I said;

"So now this guy is a fountain of information for me, right? A veritable Fort Knox of sexuality. So do I spill...?

No I do not. Becaue I do not want to identify myself as such. I do not want to make the leap into lifestyle. I do not want him to begin equipping me in the war, supplying my front lines, or breaking down my defenses for that matter. I don't want a gateway in, I want a gateway out.

That's what I want. I want not to."

Grizz, as sexy as your scenario sounded for the way I got my date last night, I'm afraid it's not so. My date was with the gentleman in question, the former pastor.

While I insisted that I wouldn't, I knew that I had to.

Dawn, you felt that God gave me a b-day present in this date. He did, even if not for the exact reasons you may have meant. Former Pastor and I shared our stories, and he was extremely gracious in allowing me to deny myself, struggle with myself, and resist myself--although in essence I was denying, struggling with, and resisting his sexuality. Instead of being offended, he was understanding and he's going to join us here at Redeemable Life to help me on this journey. That's a b-day present fo' yo' ASS right there!

And here's something I haven't widely shared, but since I'm processing, I might as well go ahead and process. And
Eliel, you already know this-- Steve Carell has nothing on me. I've now got him beat by four years and going strong!

So yeah.

I've another thing to say, too. I feel like I need to apologize for the misleading post about having a date with a boy. I didn't ask to have dinner with Former Pastor with romance in mind, and I don't think he interpreted that way either--but he knew I had something brewing behind these eyes when I discovered more about his history.

But having posted it, and seeing how much support you guys would give me if I were to take a date up with a dude ... well ... I'll be honest.

I didn't want it. I wanted someone to rescue me. If I could find the dial for my sexual determination, I'd dial it to a slobbering, knuckle-dragging, beer swilling, fart-in-public, belch-without-restraint maximum hetero-ness setting. (And then I'd dial it down a notch, because farting in public? Euw!) But having gotten the support and the love ...

Ned, I am sorry. You're my family. I cherish your support and pride. I need it, in fact. Do I have to be gay to earn it? I'm gambling that the answer is no and I think my odds are good. You're filled with more integrity than I feel that I possess right now, and I think you understand, as you've done so often already. I need you understand and help me with this.

Eliel, here is the heart of the matter; how do I determine my sexuality without giving myself a chance with a woman?

I like breasts! I love a good set of hips that sway down 5th Avenue. I still want to press the side of my head against the flat belly of a maiden, and yes, my jawline would be capping her feminine V like a hat brim.

Please be patient with me guys and gals. If you think I seem a mess, imagine what it'd be like to BE me. Not all fun & games, lemme tell ya.

But I so love you all. so much. so so much.


The Neighbor said...


Alan, you're as complicated a guy as there is, my man. Still, I think you're a good human being, even if you've got some inner turmoil about your sexuality and what you feel vs what you believe.

Personally, I'm ok with you however you choose to be, but I do hope you get it sorted out and enjoy one of life's richest pleasures.

So yeah, this 'date' was not what I expected at all. And to be fair, your hints were a little misleading, if you don't mind my saying, so I'm fractionally disappointed, not in your choice to be circumspect, but that you did not, in fact, have a 'date' with a 'boy.' But that's precipitated on the notion that you want a date with a boy, which is pure inference on my part, and somewhat contradicted by your gone-now-back post.

As for Former Pastor, is this suggesting he too has notions that cross heterosexual preference lines? Or that you deferred to your company and denied any leanings in any given direction? I don't quite follow, which is rare.

All of that aside, you really need to understand that in this world, you are surrounded by people who read because we like you and the way you think, and all we want for you is for you to have the things that make you happy. And we have to take you at face value when you say what would make you happy. I know that a lot of the writing is more process than conclusion; it's my forte in life to preocess process process. So when you say you have a date with a boy, well, if you didn't WANT one, you wouldn't have MADE one, so all you'd get from us is kudos and support. . .

I've said it before, Alan, and here it is one more time. Sexuality is incidental to a human being - it's not the defining characteristic. To anyone who disagrees, I lament the shallow, empty life they will live and die in, So you can be gay, straight, bi, asexual - and to my mind, that isn't ever going to be the most important part of who you are.

So, no, you don't have to gay to earn anything with me. You don't even have to be a sexual creature. It doesn't matter to me NEARLY as much as it matters to you.

Alan said...

Former Pastor is gay, and on the night of "Nick & Nora's...," when he revealed his past place in the clergy, I did not reveal my place "in the closet." I punked out. So I made a date with him yesterday to put my cards on the table and then pick his brain about his experience. So now he knows what everyone here knows about me.

I didn't not accept the well-wishes, Ned. I should have expected them, in fact, knowing how much support you've all already given me. But once they came, it felt like pressure to fulfill the lifestyle. Especially given my conflicts. If only you, Dawn, Eliel, Grizz, and David were the only people on Earth. That there'd only be people on Earth who'd accept me and who want what I want for myself. Then I might try "dating a boy," only in my case it would be "dating a man." Some muscley, balding, hairy tough-ass man.

So your encouragements are always welcome, and just because I didn't want them, it doesn't mean they didn't do me good. It does me good to know that if I make the decision to be gay, that I can count on your love and support already.

Where I failed is in communicating enough of how much I don't want to be gay. Ned, I can help you understand this part of me on a personal level. I'm in Limbo too. Like you, I'm abstaining from possibilities until I know what state of health I'm in. Only for me, it's emotional health. When I know I'm emotionally healthy enough to take on the challenge of being gay in this world--that is, of entering ANOTHER minority class after 44 years of fighting for respect because of my skin color, then I'll probably do it. But if it keeps feeling like I'm going to be wearing a sign that says, "disapprove of me, hate me, scorn me, tease me, bash me, deny me civil rights, protest against me, point at me as I hold hands with my lover, smirk at me, make innuendos about my sex life, preach against me from the pulpit" and I've not developed a defense against that, then no, I'm not going to be gay.

And if I decide not to be gay, I'm going to need people in my life more than ever! I'm going to need to know that there are shoulders I can cry on, necks I can hug, and someone who'll wipe my forehead or caress my cheek, and accept me even though I made a choice to be what many would call, including myself, a coward.

In this I'm concerned for your affection, Ned. I don't say that being gay or straight defines me, but choosing what's safe to me--that's how I'm defined. I'm taking meds so that so many things don't seem like such a risk in this life. But that's who I was when you found me. Fearful. And it's an uphill climb with the weight of my adult life on my back. So I'm going to go with the sexuality that keeps me safe.

And for me, given my lack of experience, one of life's richest pleasures is the love I get from people who care about me. For me, that has been rarer than sex. It's been a long, long time since I've felt safe with friends and I've been exercising that muscle through this blog. So please do forgive that I mislead you with that post. I felt horrible first when the love started pouring through based on a pretense, but then I saw myself as gay in everyone's eyes and ... well, I've already said.

I won't do that again. I'm sorry.

GrizzBabe said...

I am so glad you got together with Former Pastor guy. That was a really brave thing to do. I proud of you.

Oh, yeah. I've got Steve Carell beat by 1 year. I'm what they call a technical virgin.

Former Pastor said...

So, I promised Alan I'd check in here and say hello. I was his...uh..."date?" from Saturday night. I won't say much now until I know you guys a bit better, for fear of having to eat my words later. I'll just say that I'm glad Alan's built this community for himself, one small part of the great many people who care about him and his happiness. Cheers, everybody!

Tera said...

Alan, Ned makes some very good points. Don't let this confusion about your sexuality define who you are...we like you for much more than that, and I think I speak for the rest of the group when I say we would want more than anything for you to just be happy! It looks like you may be slowly edging toward this identity you seek, but you really have to let go of all your doubts and all your fears.

Those who are your true friends will be there for you regardless and will most importantly, NOT judge you.

I continue to wish you the best of luck with this my friend. :)

Tera said...

Side Note: I have a confession...when I'm feeling down, I visit your spot to watch the Peanuts do the happy dance "OutKast Style!" :)

Trixie said...

Ahhh, sweetie, you really are a confused bunny aren't you? Hopefully the former pastor can help you sort things out in your head. Just see what happens, don't rule anything out. No harm in dabbling with a same sex partner, in fact this may actually confirm which way you swing.

Alan said...

Grizz, not for the first time, it feels like I missed my chance of a lifetime with you. There's not been a woman I've ever communicated with who seems as In-My-Zone as you are. I don't know what to do with that. You're committed to Your Boyfriend, so I guess that settles it. It does make you exponentially more desireable, though. And believe me, I've been turned on enough by women to know that whatever else is going on in my libido, I'd make you happy. Because the heart is yours if you want it. Your Boyfriend has permission to kick my ass for saying this. I'd take a beating for love like yours. Yeah. Want to know what would make me happy, folks? This is what would make me happy. Having a woman like Grizz--well, there is no woman like Grizz--who knows all my sh!t, and would have me anyway. Who would trust me to be her solo, hetereo partner for life. And I would. I swear I would. For you, Grizz, I would. If you want it.

Yeah, I figure I might as well go ahead and say that. I don't think it will change anything. Grizz loves her Boyfriend, and I want her to have what she wants. But since I'm spilling it all out, I might as well empty the whole pitcher dry.

Former Pastor, welcome. You'll find that once I get my head out of my own bum, these folks here can be as supportive of you as they are of me. BTW, you can call yourself whatever you'd like here, and I'll go with it.

Tera, I'm slowly edging toward a decision that is going to bring me the most peace. I'm middle-aged now, although I don't feel it. So I'm closer to death now than life, and I just want to be at peace. Right now, it doesn't seem as though being gay would bring me peace. I don't care how hot I think some guys are. It isn't just about hopping in the sack and getting dug out by a dude (not that I'm saying I'd be a Bottom). As a woman, you know this. It's about what happens when the digging is done. It's about what I think of myself when I'm alone. It's about what kind of relationship I can have that involves the other 90% of our time without condoms. It involves their family and friends, and my friends, and my career and their career, and it involves our faith and our future children and what kind of parents we'd make, and what kind of parents we want our child(ren) to have and what kind of neighbors we'd make. And yes, all these things can be handled well if I were to decide for gay, but it would not be easy. And for me, I don't want to fight that fight for the rest of what's left of my life. In short, I just don't have time for this kind of drama. And I really, really, really think that's my final answer.

Really. :-)

And the "Hey Ya, Charlie Brown?" Did you read about how I discovered, after loving that vid and using it the exact same way you do (which is why I keep it there) that I've actually known the guy who made it for months before I discovered it was him? There's two names at the end of the vid and the guy I know is the first name (I'm being vague to prevent Googlation). When I went to the convention in NC, he was one of the guys I shared the hotel room with.

So Trixie, yeah, bear with me. You might be right, but I want to test your theory in reverse. I think laying between the luscious breasts of a sweet woman, and getting my first plunge between those hips may confirm which way I swing. It's getting a little "happy" just thinking about it now...

GrizzBabe said...

Whew! I don't think you left a drop in that pitcher!

Oh, Alan. I am so honored that you think I'm such a good catch. And if this was October 13, 2004, I'd ask for your phone number. Or I'd use my well-developed Southern Belle charm to entice you to ask for mine.

But it's not 2004; it's 2008. And you haven't missed anything. No chances or opportunities for happiness have been lost. God knows what she's doing. There's a reason we met at the particular time that we did. I don't profess to know the mind of God, but I trust her providence.

There's something better out there for you, Alan. There's someone better out there for you. And God, in her infinite wisdom and with incredible love and care, will lead you to that special someone. I just know it!

Alan said...

See what I mean folks? This woman is amazing. Frikkin' wonderful.

You are wonderful, Grizz.

The Neighbor said...

Well, life is long and full of surpises. I don't play it safe ever. Risk is thrilling. Safe has it benefits but also its pitfalls. I'd much rather not have regrets, but if I do, it'll be something I DID as opposed to something I DIDN'T. Shades would call me out on my Triple Fire Sign, but that's an attitude I've had for a long time. It's why I'd much rather jump out of an airplane than go to the movies, much rather run an adventure race than go for a leisurely car ride, why I like the mountains as opposed to the beach. I much prefer to DO.

Safe is good too, I'm not decrying it - but it can leave you in a place of wanting and observation, where the real fun, at least in my mind, is in getting out there and doing.

Anyhow, you've already proven to me without a doubt that you're not a coward. You're mother-effin' Braveheart, Alan. Blue paint and a kilt is all you really need.

Alan said...

God, Ned thank you. I'm suprised at how much that meant to me. Love you so much, man.

The Neighbor said...

I'd also like to point out that if you laid that last paragraph you responded to trixie with - laid that out for some girl live and in person, she'd prolly get 'happy' too.

Just saying - you've got a seduction-in-waiting all set for you to use it. Girls like sex too, you know.

Alan said...


Lemme at 'em!

Of course, you know, you could be showing me some of those killer Leonides moves if only you would get that webcam up and running. (No pun intended.)

The Neighbor said...

Sorry. I'm actually an AI. No video streams are available.