When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Lengths I Go To

So, here's the deal. A few Saturdays ago (the 5th) I hopped on board the MetroNorth and went to CT to visit MFTD. His wife and baby went out to her homestate for the 4th, so MFTD wanted some company. He was 30 lbs. lighter than the last time I saw him. How'd he do this, with his Type-AAA personality, with no time to fart, let alone exercize or count all his money?

Nutrisystem. That's right. The freeze-dried, vacuum-sealed, pre-packaged, pre-weighed, insta-meals that helped fatties all over the country hack off 30-60 lbs. without lifting a finger. Of course I was skeptical ... before I laid eyes on MFTD. And MFTD is not a sucker. If the food was nasty, he would have told me. But what he did do was give me three "meals" to try. A chicken patty, a cup of scrambled eggs, and a pasta bowl (cheese tortellini).

Yeah, powdered eggs to add water to and microwave. Makes the stomach gurgle just to hear the description, right? But I tried it.

IT WAS EGGS!!! Really scrambled eggs!! I could not believe it!! And totally hot (not Hilton hot, but thermometer hot). And filling!! I was good for hours afterwards.

But the key is that you eat this stuff, and a few hours later eat something else, then a few hours later something else, rinse repeat all day. Six meals. Some of those meals being fruit, which I like. Some of those being snack chips. Some of those being cake or cookies as desert.

The cheese tortellini, great!! Sweet sauce and tasty, tender, sizable rolls of pasta!

And then this chicken patty. I was soooo dubious. I saved this for last and I carried it everywhere without nuking it. That means unrefrigerated. (That's right--you don't store this stuff in the fridge--even the meats!)

It was E-YUMM!

So today, on payday, I ordered my first month. It is indeed, as they advertise, about $10 a day. You pay monthly. And I do not plan to spend a single solitary dime for fastfood while I'm eating this stuff, because trust and believe, I spend WAY more than $10 on fast food (and restaurant food) per day already. This will be me actually saving money.

And losing weight.

So I went as far as to take a picture of myself in swim trunks. (Shorts, not speedos--because hey, not to brag, but the only place I could post myself in speedos is on a gay porn pic site. I'm just saying. I can't be having my goodies on such display. I'm a working professional with a license, after all. But I digress.)

I know for a fact that I will lose the 30 pounds that I want to. And then I will take the "After" shot in these same shorts.

And I will post it then. For 24 hrs.

Why do this?

Because I admit to myself as I to and fro in the City of The Beautiful,that if I were built like some of these weekend warriors, I'd go barechested too.Of course, the thought starts as, "You big showoff, braggadocious, amazing-looking yummy bastard..." but then I cave and know for a fact that I'd strut mines too if I carried like they do.

And so, I will. I promise. And to keep it humble, I'll post it with the "Before" pic that I took today. So keep checking in a few months. I'll be so fine you won't know how to act! BTW, I took all these pics myself. No one's sacred!!


GrizzBabe said...

Look at the muscle tone in the legs of that one chick. Will Nutri-System do that for me?

I dunno, Alan. Food that you don't store in the refrigerator? Powdered eggs? What's this stuff got in it? And why can't you just crack an egg (or two) and cook it in the microwave? Okay, I'll curtail my doubts and wait for the finished product.

I think I would save money too if I went this route. Let me know how it goes.

Alan said...

You're right about muscle tone--less weight won't necessarily do that--exercise will.

Thing about normal food is that I'm a bit of a gobbler. I need to be controlled for a while. On my own, I don't make eggs, I go out and buy a sandwich with bacon. But this way, I only eat what I've already bought--a fixed price month's worth. The plus is that their stuff is more balanced than what Julio fries up for me on the grill downstairs. For instance, more egg white than yolk in all that powder.

What makes this stuff unrefridgeratedness? Whatever keeps meats edible when they're in cans instead of fridges, I think. And chemicals, no doubt. I read some of the packages. There were a lot of real food ingredients at the beginning of the paragraph, and a whole lot of multisyllabic chemistry words at the end. But thirty pounds from now, I won't have cared. :-D

Trixie said...

Good luck with the diet. One thing though with this sort of plan... it doesn't teach you to eat healthily. The weight will come off, but once you stop it, the weight will come back on. So look into healthy eating when you finish it!

Alan said...

I promise. :-)

Tera said...

Well good luck on your diet venture! I keep thinking I need to get my butt in gear and do the same...I just have to be ready for the lifestyle change inherent in doing so. I definitely will begin working out soon as well.

I would just love to be 30 lbs. lighter!

A Shade Of Scorpio said...

I'm a skinny girl but no one's immune to the benefits of a good work out! Huff....puff.....

What a fabulous idea to sport public skivvies as an incentive to go on a higher plane of Alan improvement (even though I'm sure you certainly don't look ragged now).

I couldn't be trusted not to spend anything extra on a peppermint mocha trio or a ice cream sundae. I'd need a guard with a scary weapon to keep me honest. *Clink* here's to ya!!! (It was just water...nothing fattening!)