When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

And Speaking Of The Personal Nature Of This Blog...

I took my pictures down because it's true what Childhood Bud said, and I grew increasingly more paranoid as the replies came sailing in. Thanks, everybody. I want to inspire hope in my clients, not horror, so I took the pics down to prevent even that little chance that a blogsurfer may go, "Hey! I know that guy!! He's my therapist!!"

I am keeping the little one up though. The other ones looked more and more increasingly goofy everytime I opened my page. I looked like a left-back senior at Doofus High.

In fact, I feel the onset of a self-loathing spiral. I want to accept the compliments on the pics, but it feels like, given time, you will come to see the ugly guy that I started to see there. I think I take such awful pictures because I just know--as the ass with the camera fumbles to eventually snap the effing thing--that it will expose me for the mess that I really am, instead of the dashing rogue inside that I want to be.

Well, so, Match.com awaits me. And eHarmony. Before I got sick of my pics, I knew I could use them for the dating services and put myself out there.

In doing so, it would be me hopping back on the treadmill again. Time to work out the dating muscles.

But right now, I've stepped away again. Now that I hate the pictures again, I don't want to use them. I don't want them to be seen with my present mindset. Because I'm sure some will see it and say, "Who is this LESTER? Trying to get a date? Pathetic wretch."

And too I think how it aches just a very little bit more to know that those to whom I already do feel a connection are unavailable or unwilling. I think of how comforting it would be to tuck into the arms of someone who already knows me. Someone who already cares about me enough to let me rest in them.

It's as if my skin is awash with the sheer absence of love.

Welp, sorry my newbies! I sometimes am like this. To my credit, it has been a while, but I feel it coming back around.

and just like before, I'll eventually be alright. Still lonely perhaps--but alright.

5 comments:

GrizzBabe said...

I got a quick glimpse of your photos before you took them down, and I thought you looked handsome, as usual. But I understand how you feel; I hate every picture I take.

Don't you wish we could see ourselves the way others see us?

Alan said...

Not at the moment, no. lol

Wait, actually, I wish I could see myself the way only one particular other person could see me.

Lara Croft said...

Everyone has bad pics of themselves, mine are hidden in the deep dark shadows of my d drive LOL.
You are sooooo normal how you think don't be so hard on yourself Alan..

Vi said...

It's a good idea only to keep them up for a short time, as you say, someone you know may stumble accross them one day. Hence why I always take mine down after 24 hours. Oh and you think your photos were bad? (they were not btw) I've got some up at the moment of me being VERY ugly! (only up for about 6 more hours!)

Cyber D said...

Hey, Alan. Thanks for checking out The Wheel in Space. I've been lurking around your site and I'm already impressed with your Sci-Fi sensabilities! I too loved Firefly. *sob* But I thought the movie was a fitting wrap-up.