I took my pictures down because it's true what Childhood Bud said, and I grew increasingly more paranoid as the replies came sailing in. Thanks, everybody. I want to inspire hope in my clients, not horror, so I took the pics down to prevent even that little chance that a blogsurfer may go, "Hey! I know that guy!! He's my therapist!!"
I am keeping the little one up though. The other ones looked more and more increasingly goofy everytime I opened my page. I looked like a left-back senior at Doofus High.
In fact, I feel the onset of a self-loathing spiral. I want to accept the compliments on the pics, but it feels like, given time, you will come to see the ugly guy that I started to see there. I think I take such awful pictures because I just know--as the ass with the camera fumbles to eventually snap the effing thing--that it will expose me for the mess that I really am, instead of the dashing rogue inside that I want to be.
Well, so, Match.com awaits me. And eHarmony. Before I got sick of my pics, I knew I could use them for the dating services and put myself out there.
In doing so, it would be me hopping back on the treadmill again. Time to work out the dating muscles.
But right now, I've stepped away again. Now that I hate the pictures again, I don't want to use them. I don't want them to be seen with my present mindset. Because I'm sure some will see it and say, "Who is this LESTER? Trying to get a date? Pathetic wretch."
And too I think how it aches just a very little bit more to know that those to whom I already do feel a connection are unavailable or unwilling. I think of how comforting it would be to tuck into the arms of someone who already knows me. Someone who already cares about me enough to let me rest in them.
It's as if my skin is awash with the sheer absence of love.
Welp, sorry my newbies! I sometimes am like this. To my credit, it has been a while, but I feel it coming back around.
and just like before, I'll eventually be alright. Still lonely perhaps--but alright.