Heaven

More in the Meme series, and why the answers mostly freaked me out;


What do your parents think of you?
"Heaven" --John Legend

Now, this song is about a man and his lover, but most of the lyrics so easily applies to what my mother (my only parent) may have thought of me as she tried raising me, and/or what I also thought of her, that it bears exploring.

Last night was the worst night
Beginning of the end
Or maybe it began
Before and here we go again
Things got so dramatic
Things got out of hand
We said words we couldn't imagine
I don't understand

There you go with the same old thing
When things go wrong you always seem to blame me
Now I would like to find what secrets hide in your mind
Where the end will go
Will I ever know
Heaven only knows

Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows

So let's make this night the best night
It's time for second chance
Turn the beat up on repeat and we can start to dance

Sometimes when we're talking
Words get drowned on by the sound
Let's get back to touching we'll get back on solid ground

Let's hold hands
Like a young romance
Let's first kiss like the moment we first did
Can we make love
Like back way in the day, love?
We can lose control, baby don't say no

Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows

So will you come back to me
Heaven only knows
So will you come back to me

Make this night the best night
It's time for second chance
Turn the beat up on repeat and we can start to dance

Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows

There's a definite creep-out factor when you consider these lines;
Like a young romance
Let's first kiss like the moment we first did
Can we make love
Like back way in the day, love?
We can lose control, baby don't say no
But there's also a component there that I haven't blogged a lot about which is definitely not for the squeamish.

I have said in the past that my Mom used to have a lot of pornographic novels in the house that I would read before she got home, and she had one of those little projectors with 8mm reels of porn that I would watch. I must have been in my early teens, maybe a little younger. Thus my introduction to sex was all secretive, layered with an element of shame. Perhaps not too uncommon, given our country's root puritanical stance against enjoying sex.

But in addition to this, my mother was just a strange woman. In hindsight.

Once--and I hope only once--she took me into the shower with her. I can't imagine why. I had to be possibly 9 or 10 years old, or maybe older. I starkly remember it. I may never have been more uncomfortable in my life. I was aware of the body parts that I was looking at and I knew I shouldn't have been looking. I wasn't thinking that when I was back in NYC at 6 that I had already been molested by the neighbor. I wasn't thinking about anything except how much I really didn't want to be in that shower with my naked Mom. I don't know how it ended. I'm sure nothing happened, except the sheer inappropriateness of being there.

But none of that was a good way to build the sexual foundation of a young man entering puberty.

Meanwhile, other than incestuous issues, all those lyrics about how many times we'd agrue, fall out, say horrible things to one another, hate each other (yes, she told me she hated me) and all the sheer drama of growing up under a bipolar woman who took mood stabilizers (a fact I realized in hindsight when I started working with the mentally ill who took the same drugs my Mom did), it was all just as the song "Heaven" describes.

And these lines;
Now I would like to find
what secrets hide in your mind
Where the end will go
Will I ever know

haunt me, and will do forever. Because the answer was "death". That's how it ended. And I'll never really know the secrets that hid in her mind.

"Heaven" is where I hope my mother is now.

But I can't be sure.

(The song starts at 00:59)


Aside from this meme, when I hear the song I only think of a man and his woman having troubles, not of me and my mother, and I love this song. I love the fact that the singer could have this communication with his woman even after they said horrible things to each other. That's a goal I'd like to have if I can't find a perfect woman who won't ever hurt me with her words. Call me a dreamer, but no, I don't believe I'd ever use the same type of words to hurt her. I don't believe I'd ever call her things like "bitch" and its ilk. Oh, I know how, believe me. That was one of the first verbal skills I ever developed, in the absence of size or fighting ability. I knew how to cut a man down with my words. Or make that "cut a boy down" because I was good at it as early as elementary school (Childhood Bud, can I get a witness?) I just don't believe I'd turn this weapon of mine against the woman I love. I just couldn't. It would kill me. Just like I'd die if she did it to me. Which why I'm still alone. aAnd on it goes.

Where the end will go
Will I ever know
Heaven only knows...

Purpose

What is your life's purpose?



Tell me
Just what you want me to be
One kiss
And boom you're the only one for me
So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm crying
Outside the door of your candy store

[Chorus]
It just takes a little bit of this
A little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we we're up to bat
A little bit of laughs
A little bit of pain
I'm telling you, my babe
It's all in the game of love....

..Is
Whatever you make it to be
Sunshine instead of this cold lonely sea
So please baby try and use me for what I'm good for
It ain't sayin' goodbye
It's knocking down the door of your candy store

[Chorus]

It's all in this game of love

You roll me
Control me
Console me
Please hold me
Do guide me
Divide me
Into more...

[Guitar solo]

So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm dying outside the door of your loving store

[Repeat Chorus]

It's all in this game of love
It's all in the game of love
Yeah, in the game of love

Roll me
Control me
Please hold me
(Make me feel good, yeah)

I'm out here on my own
On my own...

Again the lyrics are so amazingly accurate to what it seems my life's purpose has become. I imagine that in the future it will be a lot less pursuit and a lot more maintenance. But for now? For right now?

Tell me just what you want me to be.
One kiss. And BOOM.

So please tell me why don't you come around no more?

Love is whatever you make it to be.
Sunshine instead of this cold lonely sea.

I am so willing to be controlled, rolled, held, guided and divided into more than what I am now. That'd be just fine. It takes a whole lot of trust, but that's what my life is all about these days. I'm looking for someone I can trust this much.

It just takes a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

Just one thing is different now. Thanks to the blogworld, I don't feel like I'm out here on my own.

Not here on my own ...

My Other Hero Gets An Amazon Page

Check him out.

Persistence

The meme I did freaked me out from the begininng question. When I dissect it, the questions ask about intimate details of my life, and the music I treasure on my mp3 player answers the questions. So using the songs as answers are bound to portray a significant pattern of what's going on inside the heart.

It's no surprise that a lot of my music are love songs. But it is surprising how well the particular love song fit the particular question. It makes me want to expand on the meme by examining certain questions and their answers. So to start with the first;

How would you best describe your personality?
"#41" -Dave Matthews Band

Here are the lyrics to this song, followed by a YouTube video so you can hear what these words sound like from him;

Come see
I swear by now I'm playing time
Against my troubles
Oh
I'm coming slow, but speeding

Do you wish a dance
and while I'm in the front
My play on time is won
Oh, but the difficulty
is
coming
here

I will go in this way
Oh and find my own way out
I wont tell you what to be
But I'm coming to much more
Me

All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
Oh tell me what if they came down crashing

Used to be that you and me
Used to play for
All of the loneliness that nobody
Notices now
I'm begging slow
I'm coming here

Only waiting

I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I'm only this far
And only tomorrow leads my way

I'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head
Please, I wouldn't pass this by
I wouldn't take any more than I need
What sort of man goes by
I will bring water
Why wont you ever be glad
And melt into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why wont you run
Into rain and play
Let the tears splash all over you
So the question again is; How would you best describe your personality?
The song starts by asking the listener into the life of the singer. Then it goes into the singer's plea to the listener for a type of patience. Patience while the singer sorts some things out. The singer wants to dance with the listener, but he finds it hard to even approach.

The singer tries to work his way in, but knows he will only flee eventually. It's easier to leave than to come. The singer is moved to begging after reminiscing about the loneliness and the ghosts they left behind. The singer tells the listener what she may have not noticed--he wanted to stay, he wanted to play, and above all, he wanted to love her. Desperately. But he can't get there. He just can't.

The rest, only the lyrics say it best.

"I'm coming, waltzing back, and moving into your head. Please. I wouldn't pass this by. I wouldn't take anymore than I need. What sort of man goes by. I will bring water. Why won't you ever be glad and melt into wonder? I came in praying for you. Why won't you run into rain and play? Let the tears splash all over you."

Scott, you see it clearly. She's holding me at arm's length and that's all it has ever taken for me to stop trying. This resistance against me is enough. I lack the hairy-chested aggression that it seems to take to break through her doubts and fears. Badly as I want to be that guy--the guy I see in so many of you heroes of mine--I just ... I just die inside. I just don't have it what it takes to believe in myself more than she does. Not in this contest of me. By myself, I'm okay. If someone joins me, they have to join me. I swear, I've got what it takes to support them. Just not enough to support myself if they don't want me.

Dave Matthews "#41" best describes my personality because it dissects the very chemistry of my life, and how I came to be where I am.

The Voice Of My Other Hero

Alex Wilson reads a piece of fiction which was given life by an animist who used Second Life.

My first audio project was given the same type of life using another animation platform.

We live in good times to be a creator!

As Promised To Fringes (And Ostensibly, Q)

Let me start by saying, I received my first response from Dream Girl. It came in, skipping over the sequence of e-mails I have sent her. I sent her three. She responded only to two. Notably, she did not respond to the one wherein Our Hero asks Dream Girl to meet up somewhere in NYC.

But she did respond to the last one, which was a sanitary query about an aspect of her professional life. She answered that and then let me know she was going to be leaving the area for a tour. (Yes, she's famous like that).

So I wrote her a thanks and included that I'd see her when she got back. Which means to me, "I'm going to see you. I don't know where, I don't know when. But I am going to see you again. There's just no damn way I can let you stay all casual and friendly, like every girl I ever loved in the high school of our youth (yes, we go that far back) without finding out if we've come together against all rules of logic and sanity for some higher purpose!"

I'm just sayin'.

And now, the meme--

Here’s how it works:
1. Put your iTunes on Shuffle
2. For each question, hit the next button to get your answer to the question
3. Write down that song name as your answer no matter what comes up in shuffle


How would you best describe your personality?
"#41" -Dave Matthews Band (Holy crap.)

If someone says it’s okay, you say:
"Remember The Time" --Michael Jackson

What do you like in a guy or girl?
"R&B Junkie" --Janet Jackson (OmG!!!!)

How do you feel today?
"Rock The Boat" --Aaliyah

What is your life’s purpose?
"The Game of Love" - Michelle Branch & Santana

What is your motto?
"The Sweetest Somebody I Know" --Stevie Wonder

What do your friends think of you?
"Control" --Janet Jackson

What do you think of your friends?
"Jazzman" --Carole King

What do (did) your parents think of you?
"Heaven" --John Legend (omg)

What do you think of your parents?
"Wild Horses" --The Sundays

What do you think about very often?
"Where Is The Love?" Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway (!!!!!!!!)

What do you think of your best friend?
"Secret Rendezvous" --Karyn White

What do you think of the person you love?
"The Sweetest Day" --Vanessa Williams

What is your life’s story?
"Rock With You" --Michael Jackson

What do you want to be when you grow up?
"FanMail" --TLC

What do you think when you see the person you love?
"Lost Without U" --Robin Thicke

What is your hobby/interest?
"Got To Get My Heart Back" --Keyshia Cole

What will they play at your funeral?
"Papillon (aka Hot Butterfly) --Chaka Khan (That would seriously rock)

What is your biggest secret?
"Every Little Step I Take" - Bobby Brown

Hmm. Officially Freaked Out.

Oh This Is Some Funny Isht Right Here

Have a browser that plays audio, and click on this.

Screw with a man's pork products and see what ya git!

On The Odd Chance That You Don't Know Me ...

... this is the movie that you should see. "Little Manhattan" It was filmed in 2004, and I remember reading the street notices announcing that the sidewalks and roads would be closed so the filming could take place there for the movie. I was living with George in NJ at the time, so I didn't have the luxury of stalking the movie set. I was fascinated, but I didn't follow the progress. When it was released in the theatres, I made the appropriate "Oh!" of acknowledgment. And time passed.

This morning, I saw the movie.

Me and it has two things in common.

1) The Upper West Side. The cinematography chronicles the bulk of my heart for Manhattan. It is shot on location all in, out, around, down, and through my favorite neighborhood. If you see this movie then you see where I do what I do when I do what I do.

2) It portrays the emotion maturity at which I am stuck. I cannot say with any real confidence that I'm much older in my head and heart than the little protagonist in this movie. My consolation for this, of course, is that probably most of us are also in the same place. Not 'most of us' as in 'bloggers', or just 'the readers of this blog'--but as in 'the human race'.

We are have doubts and fears that make going into relationships an absolute roller coaster. Some people like rollercoasters. Some laugh and raise hands in anticipation during the slow climb to the top. Some look at the dizzying heights with amazement and wonder. Some embrace the danger of the imminent drop.

Me ... not so much.

But I have to learn to because there just is no alternative. We all live on a rollercoaster.

Okay, so I e-mailed an invite to meet her somewhere in the NYC, where she said she comes and enjoys. And while I wait for an answer, my brain is trying to kill me. I'm thinking that I should have made it a definite place and time, but I don't know if she's even free on Monday yet. And I'm also thinking that I didn't make it a definite place and time because I'm scared poopless to ask for a real date. Plus I only have close to a hundred $$$ for wining and dining, and no credit, so I'm thinking my dating potential sucks. And I'm thinking that she is a successful, famous, amazing girl who'll have no patience for my broke ass. But too, I'm thinking that my being cautious, or just not-aggressive-enough is a fatal flaw. I'm thinking that if she responds positively to me, she'll just do so out of catching up conversation with an old friend because I'm not the kind of guy that makes the ladies swoon (except in my head, when I'm The Sexy Barista, and I'm not even that anymore). I'm just a friendly, nice, safe guy that girls just like. And even though she's the girl of my dreams, I'm thinking that I won't be the guy of her dreams.

And I'm thinking that I'm overthinking. And I'm driving myself nuts. And I think I'm already forming my coping mechanism for failure when I haven't even really failed yet. And I'm thinking how much more being safely on the ground feels so much better than this rollercoaster. But being on the ground means not being alive. But I've gotten comfortable and used to not being alive. I guess that makes me a zombie.

Some people like zombies.
I'm just a total wreck.
Please comment freely.

I've Met Her.

Again.

And mind you, I had realized I was already happy.

This thing is so crazy, how we met (re-met), but it happened just last night and she is the girl of my dreams. There are so many things about her that I can't begin to describe. And I actually cannot. You could find this girl on the web if I gave enough details away, and so I will not. She has nothing to do with the bloglife we've all established--that I can say.

All the signs are there. We were only going to chat for 1/2 an hour and we chatted for an hour and a 1/2. We were instantly familiar with each other the second we laid eyes. Her name had been popping up on my radar for months already, and by the freakiest of circumstances, there she was in person. She gave me her phone number and her email address and I'm about 25% afraid but 90% excited (yes, there's an overlap) and I know I'm not quite exactly where I wanted to be in my adult life, but I've started it and so I'm going to present what I've got and let her choose if she wants what I've got or not.

And this is so incredibly kismet, so absurdly above me, that even I would not have written this as a novel. I would not have had the imagination enough. This is like a dream unfolding as I watch, where when I wake up, I'll look back and marvel at how my brain put it all together--only it's not my brain. It's life. It can't be random. And if it's God, then he really REALLY likes me.

Should I be in love right now? I'm too fascinated to say "love". I'm still in shock. I'm still waiting to wake up.

I'm just saying--she and I go way back, and it feels awesome to have this reconnection. It's grounding. Feels like I've suddenly shot roots into the earth. Right now, I'm looking forward to having this amazing new friend, reliving old times, and experiencing amazing new ones.

And if it goes further--well, I really won't know how to act.

That's where you guys are going to have to come in. :-)

Last Night On A Very Special, "My Night Job"...

...I bid adieu to A.D.Annie, Snapper, Red, Sexy Minx, and Drama Queen.

For the first time last night, Sexy Minx discovered I was a therapist and she wanted to have sessions with me. Of course I couldn't do it. She covered it up with giggles, and said she understood, but she was near tears by the end of the night. I resisted hugging her, or anyone for that matter. She also said she hadn't married her boyfriend. I'm not sure why A.D.Annie had told us all that she had.

For the first time, Snapper discovered that I had a Master's degree. He goes, "Well why the f*ck are you workin' here?!" So I had thought about it. I told him, "I guess I wasn't ready to be a therapist back in September."

Snapper and Red worked on the same shift for the first time since they started gettin' it in. While I had been keeping their secret, everyone else had found out. So Red kept poking him all night, and he kept calling her a bitch, and she kept laughing and he kept slipping his arm around her waist, and it was just ... I don't know. Cute, I guess. It was maybe a little more than hormonal. They liked each other. And that was alright. The things they have in common are things I don't seek out, and I can't see them becoming more than f-buddies, but whatever. They have each other right now and how can I hate on that?

Carmine Macchiato came in with the family, and Lady Macchiato came to the counter this time. I spoke to her and found her to be a pleasant gal with a wry wit and a slight Caribbean accent. However, I never got to say goodbye to Carmine himself.

Nor did I get to tell The Bull that I was leaving. He had arrived while I was out on break, so I hadn't handed him off his drink, and thus didn't have a chance to banter. When he's sitting at his table, I might go near to clean up or replace drink bottles, but we don't speak at that point. He's busy in the zone with his books. And of course, because it was a dozen degrees above freezing, he was wearing flip-flops. Ugh. Dealbreaker. (As if contemplating jumping the tracks of sexual orientation weren't daunting enough, there's them big 'ol red feet. bleh.) So I didn't get his name, we didn't agree to hang out in the city sometime, and I didn't say goodbye.

When Snapper asked me, "Do you think you'll come back here to work again?" I thought about giving him an answer that would make him feel better, then decided against it.

"No," I said and smiled.

And he looked at me and nodded. "Well, good for you, man. I'm proud of ya."

And I'm like ... I swear, that kid ...

This Insomniac Life

I don't usually wake up at 3:30AM and fail to return to sleep, but this morning I have. I've been struggling with a cold all weekend that felt like plague, but I started taking OTC flu remedies Sunday night so I could take the aforementioned new therapy case Monday evening. It worked out well. The Monday case was a married couple! Yes! I do couples therapy! Can you believe that? Shh! Don't tell them about this blog! You'd think the potential of one of them asking me, "What do you do when you have fights with your wife?" would send me running, screaming away from the idea of doing couples therapy. But at the core of the matter, a couple is two people, and I can do therapy with people. I know how to facilitate communication and I can hear where it breaks down. I think I can help couples even when I haven't been able to be part of one. So far.

So I've been spending the last three hours reviewing my blog friends and I have some observations. How did I forget to add SolarisGal to my blogroll? Sorry about that, and oversight corrected. I've even learned that you live in my fair city? Can that be true?

And where's MT_Detroit been? Anybody heard from him? Is he okay? Alex Wilson, My Other Hero, rolled his car a few weeks ago, after sliding on a patch of black ice. Terrifying. Life is too fragile!! The more friends I make, the more chance I have of losing one. I hate that!! So, Mike, dammit, you'd better be okay, buddy. Please.

I'm happy to welcome Fringes and Q to my blogroll. They are both wonderful writers. I can feel a mancrush developing for Q, I'm telling you right now. Dude is cool. And Fringes is cute as a bonus paycheck. Her family is awesome. Heart-tuggers, they are.

Scott made me feel real good lately. I felt a connection come from him that I hoped I hadn't imagined or invented out of my own desperation. It was real nice.

Now here's a little treat I was working up for another post, but since I can't seem to get that one started I'll just plunk it into this one;

"My Night Job; The Movie!"
starring;

Taye Diggs as "Our Hero, The Sexy Barista" (that's me)



Scary Spice as "Attention Deficit Annie"



Marshall Mathers in a duo role as "Snapper" AND "Baby Boy"



Laura Prepon as "Red"



Drew Barrymore as "Sexy Minx"



Joan Cusack as "Jabberjaw"


Kevin Peter Hall (pictured at top) as "New Kid"



Corey Johnson (spitting image--in about ten years) as "Gentle Giant"



Lyle Waggoner (shaved bald) as "The Bull"



Paul Mantee as "Carmine Macchiato"



Rene Russo (with black hair) as "Won't Go Away Girl"



Hayden Panetierre (with no makeup and braces) as "Won't Go Away Girl Jr."



Chris Evans (with about 100 lbs added) as "The Linebacker"

and special guest stars,



Brenda Blethyn as "Scullery Maid"

and

Zooey Deschanel (lighten her hair to 'Brown w/Red Highlights' as she so passionately described when no one except the girls noticed she had dyed it) as "Drama Queen"

To be refreshed as to who these characters are, click on "My Night Job" in the tags below. This current cast is who I've been in the most contact with among a wider cast. I'll miss them in my own special way.

This Cultural Life

Lately over the weekends, I've seen some of the movies that I thought I'd never catch up on. I've seen "Notes on a Scandal" and "Little Children". I liked the former better than the latter. Again, lots of exposure to the flaws of characters and you're left simply with the knowledge that they are flawed. No bow-tied endings.

Movies like this always make me introspective. Looking at my flaws and re-evaluating my position on Planet Earth. Would I have done that? Am I just like that? What makes me any different?

To my mind, it becomes a measure of how comfortable we are with our flaws. We might be wrong as a Nazi at a B'nai Brith meeting, but if we believe in ourselves and have the strength to hold our heads up, we can survive. We take that confidence into the world with us. The people we attract stay with us because of it. And thus families are made. Children grow up either adopting or rejecting the flaws of their parents. Thus a new set of flaws are created in a new generation. And on, on and on, on and on and on.

That's on my mind as I reflect about the movies I've watched, and the online conversations I've had lately. Also, as I look at my planner and realize I've been given a 4th client in the midtown counseling center. Previously today I was given client #3, and I went to My Night Job to arrange that night off, Attention Deficit Annie suggested that she should just stop putting me on the schedule until I told her anything differently. I had to agree, of course, because having three clients brought my extra earnings up to what I made from working 24 hours a week at B&N. So this is where I wanted to get to in order to quit. Then later on, I got Client #4. So that's now going to exceed what I made at B&N.

Monetarily, this is excellent. My preparedness to handle these, and the additional clients to come?

Well, I'm flawed. We all are. But the more confidence that I have in myself, and the more I accept my flaws, the more able I will be to help my clients. I think it'll be a matter of helping them correct what they want to correct, and helping them live with and accept the flaws that they cannot change. That should provide a good foundation to handle what else comes down the road. Both for me and them. :D

Answers I Need...

Did this guy actually hit the ground? To fall 47 stories and survive?!? His brother died instantly. Just contemplating such a thing makes white noise go off in my brain.

Secondly, does Iowa mean that Hilary is no longer running for the White House? Just what the hell is a "caucus" anyway. I couldn't even keep focus enough to click on the explanatory link. It all seems like such a hullabaloo shell game. Just people in Iowa get to determine who runs for president? It can't be that unfair, can it? Or is it some kind of exploratory poll that signifies nothing but Iowan opinion? And if it's just opinion, then Hilary is still running, right? Or what?

What I wanted to see is Hilary and Barack being contenders. I dreaded the bloodbath to ensue as Democrats chose between a black man and a white woman, but I wanted the country to have evolved that far enough along where the choice would need to be made.

And of course I want Barack because I want black kids and white kids to grow up with a black leader. I want black representation to be in every walk of life, including the most powerful one in the country, and not just relegated to entertainment. The days of the minstrel show have long passed. I want black faces to have gravity in this country. I don't want us to be dismissed as a joke-teller or a ball-dribbler, or as 70% of prison population--whatever cozy, safe little nook we occupy in the minds of the "majority". I want black people to matter in the realms that are important to the majority. Finance. Politics. I don't think we'll truly be seen as equal until we truly are.

Edit: Okay, so Iowa is just opinion. Thanks, media industry, for once again distorting the facts and incorrectly influencing people (or at least dumb ol' me).

Reap The Whirlwind

As of this writing, I have appointments with two client cases, one this week and one next week in the counseling center. The director of the center let off the phone conversation with me so he could see another referral that he said he was going to give to me as well. So that will be three clients. So far.

From these three clients I will receive the same, if not a little more than my weekly paycheck from My Night Job.

So how to react? Well, first of all, I find I have much more confidence going into these cases than I did when I did therapy a few years ago. Back then I was getting evicted, lost my car, and had no other jobs. I subsequently stopped counseling and moved in with George.

I have a much better sense of self now and the director of the center seems to think I hung the moon in the sky. The feeling of well-being from within is most welcomed and I'd like to hold onto it for awhile. But all this "You're awesome!" stuff from outside of myself is still a little difficult to process. It still just doesn't seem like it's me they're talking about. Almost like they are projecting an image onto me that I don't really fit.

Still, I will give thanks and say things like "Yay me!" until I see what they see. Or even if I never see it. Because hey, if they think I am ... then maybe I am?

And that'd be alright then.

Secondly, I'm going to have to leave My Night Job. :( This week and last week, I was only scheduled for one or two nights to accomodate the seasonal, vacationing, returning employees. When they go back to where they came from, the hours open back up again--but I won't need them then. I'm sad to break off the relationships I've made with these young folk, but I won't miss watching them hook up, or listening to the drug talk. Nor will I miss staying one step ahead of Scullery's psychosis, or dancing back from Attention Deficit Annie's intrusion into my personal space.

I will miss my regulars. I was just about to learn The Bull's real name last week. We spoke about his poetry and his last relationship (he didn't say if it were a woman or a man, but the distinct lack of gender-mention makes me think it was a dude. Otherwise he would have said 'My Girlfriend'. Or like most guys, never would have mentioned her at all, lol. It's a shame gay people have to play this game of Truth or Consequences, but I understand the need completely. Me and that fear have been buddies for a long time until I figured some things out through therapy).

I'm going to miss Carmine Macchiato and his family. And even Won't Go Away Girl pulled out a surprising redeem with a Christmas letter of appreciation to the cafe for keeping her company all these nights. It actually touched me. She acknowledged that she listens (aka eavesdrops) to our banter and she knows she stays longer than she should, but that we have become her extended family and she really likes us. I guess she's not so bad after all.

Well, I'll be working tonight, and then I'll tell A.D.Annie to stop scheduling me. And too, I'll get someone to work for me on my therapy nights. So for a little while, I'll be working three jobs.

Play on, playa!!