When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Monday, November 26, 2007

These Dreams ...

... are about to drive me up a wall.

WHY did I dream about Day Girl last night? I should have known something was up when it started in my office, which had a big picture window and was beige, and had a couch. Exactly what my office does not have.

Day Girl came into the office looking like she stepped out of a fashion magazine. She had makeup on and contacts, instead of her regular glasses. She ushered in her small son and they had a seat on my couch. Before I had a chance to ask her if she had received any of my notes, she told her son to "Say hello to Alan, honey! He's going to be your new Daddy!" And as I studied this child who was going to be installed into my life, I began to notice the telltale signs of developmental disability. That's when she took out the pamphlets and literature about autism and how there's new treatment for hopeful moms ...

And there I sat thinking, "Well, yeah. This is about normal. Most women my age are single parents with as many, if not more issues than I do. I might as well get used to that. In fact, I might as well just go ahead and take the offer, because ..."

And I couldn't fully form the "because ..." I didn't know why I thought I should. (Mind you, I don't know if the real Day Girl has any kids at all, healthy or otherwise). It just didn't feel like I had any other options. Or that I ever would have any. In my most confident moods, the world seems spread at my feet. But like in the dream, reality seems a lot less optimistic.

Lara, I am content. Too content. I don't mean to stir it up just to keep the drama going, but honestly my happiness keeps me isolated. These are the times when I suspect that I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum. Four days passed with me having my head buried in my laptop screen and earphones plugged into my ears, happy as a pig in poop. Not even motivated enough to make a new friend with an open, friendly, FELLOW WRITER WHO LIVES IN MY FAVORITE NEIGHBORHOOD, not twelve inches away from my nose.

The plusses of happiness is ... well, it feels good. The minuses are that I'm in my forties and alone. Double-edged sword. What do I want more? Happy alone contentment, or the challenges of navigating a relationship? The ups and downs of the ill-thought comment, the apologies, the regret of being imperfect, the one spot I can't reach, the one pain I can't manage to heal for her, the desperation, the interdependency, the responsibility ...

Can I hear a little more from you guys who are in relationships? Tell me about your good times with your Significant Others. And for those who are not in a relationship at the moment--can you tell me what it is about being with someone else that you miss? And I guess "sex" is the obvious answer, but we all know that you don't need someone else in order to have an orgasm -- so can you be specific? Wax poetic, even.

I need some motivation to come back out of my shell. It slipped back around me without my even noticing. :-/


Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

My last relationship was with AC (who died back in March)

I miss, the sitting on the sofa when he would come in from work, cuddling watching a dvd.

I miss the two of us in the kitchen together, cooking.

I miss sleeping in the arms of someone you love, waking up in the same postion you went to sleep in.

Alan said...

I appreciate that Vi.

You know, I have a tender spot for your experience with AC, Vi. With all those men swimming around you now (Hunk, Will, Aaron, etc) I'm hoping you don't let thoughts of him take you back to a dark place. You're living a pretty full life of people who seem to love you and blokes who are handy for itch-scratching.

What you miss, you will find again. And for the time being, you can still do with Blah's Bloke Of The Week. It does sound nice.


mt_detroit said...

Not hardly seeing her due to family, work, and school responsibilities. Missing her not sure what she is feeling and then getting a text message at 9:45. "Goodnight baby miss u very much. xoxoxo"

GrizzBabe said...

For me, the biggest advantage of being in a relationship is having someone to share my life with. I suppose you can do that with family and friends but it's not the same. The level of intimacy you experience in a committed, romantic relationship is just. . .different.

I love that there is one person on this planet who knows everything there is to know about me and still loves me.

I love cuddling on the couch while watching sports or a movie. And I love cuddling in bed. I love the sense of protection I feel when his arms evelope me.

I love the idea of working as a team to accomplish goals or to overcome life's obstacles. The us against the world mentality.

I love being loved. Not only does it feel good but it meets a fundamental desire that we all have.

Lara Croft said...

Touching toes...

Who Me? said...

It's about belief, Alan.

It's believing and embracing the strengths you find in the one you love, and the strengths that you will forge together as a couple.

It's about acceptance.

Acceptance of the fact that we all have our weaknesses, and that they do not define us.

It's about respect.

Respecting when it's time for a relationship to end, and having the respect to do that in a rational manner.

I say that as a twice divorced person, with children from both marriages.

I am friends with both of my ex husbands, and of course they have a big part in our lives because of the children.

I look at my marriages as wonderful chapters in my life that brought me much joy, at times depair, and in the end a great strength of character and knowledge.

I still look to the future like you do. In the end I am a hopeless romantic.

I am happy being by myself, but then I am not really alone because I have 3 children to love, and to give me love in return, and to share my life with.

You have so much to give, Alan. You have many strengths, and that is what will define you, and draw her to you. SHE is not far away :)

Who Me? said...

I do miss the closeness of a naked body next to mine as I sleep....

But then, I don't miss the farting!!!!

Sorry Alan ;) My last comment was just WAY too serious!!! hehe

Alan said...

That's a lot to ponder. Thanks very much all!

Grizz, in my Friday night D&D group, the guy who was married last month said that very thing. That now he had a partner to plan his future with. That was surprising to hear from a guy. Makes me think of him in a different, better light. And I thought he was the coolest to begin with.

So ... I think there's a personal bond there that I'm seeing you guys value. A touch, a message, a form of communicating personal care.

Like you guys do for me, here! I see why the internet is so popular and why people can be addicted to chat rooms and blogging and the like. And why I probably am too.

And Mike, I see why you stopped blogging when you were building your relationship with your lady. One lover at a time! :-)

I'm just going to go ahead and enjoy what I'm getting where I get it. I'll stay open for the possibility of someone coming into my life again, but I'm not going to lose sleep about it. Anymore. :-D

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