When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Monday, November 5, 2007

Newly Opened Real Estate Now Available ...


I had six teeth pulled today. SIX!!!!!!!

I only expected it to be four, because of what I could count with my tongue. They were the roots of dead teeth, long broken off and bygone. Their jagged points littered the landscape of my gums like picket fences on a beach. Mostly, they were molars, so they weren't visible when I smile. But I always felt them, and when I chewed meat or the like ... well you don't really want to hear how a good five minutes of chewing on that wreckage would change the landscape for the worse. But Mr. Dentist also decided that the well-submerged roots on the opposite side of my mouth should go, as well as the one capped survivor standing tall in the midst of the debris. Poor little fella.

The peril of having those teeth staying in my head was twofold. One, they were rotting. There's no telling how much poison my liver has had to filter over the years thanks to those teeth.

And Two, I was never able to develop a good kissing style. All I've ever done was mash lips because I didn't want her to probe in and feel the disgusting wreckage behind my smile. No lie. I was ashamed of those things. Horribly. I didn't want my own tongue to run across them, let alone anyone else's.

But they're gone now. Come on in! The water's fine! :D

One Percocet, two Motrin, a near-puke-up on the 1 train from the queasies, an overpriced soup, and a Jamba Juice smoothie later, and I'm on top of the world! I honestly feel no pain right now. I'll need to be fitted for partial dentures after these stitches come out, since dental implants are way too expensive even with my insurance, and I'm not keen on adding an additional payment to the cost of my living.

But I'm looking forward to tucking into a ribeye with abandon.

And other things. ;-)


Who Me? said...

Give us a big kiss baby!!! MWAH!!!

I bet they weren't as bad as Chad Morgan's over on my blog :)

We are just about to open a bottle of champagne here to celebrate The Melbourne Cup! I shall remember to have a toast for all of the kisses Alan can enjoy in the future! Cheers!

Alan said...


You should wait until the stitches come out and my gums fill in the empty sockets.

And no indeed, nothing at all like Mr. Morgan's ... LOL!! Due to the neglect in dentalness, they have drifted apart like beads on a string. think Madonna's front tooth gap.

I don't even recognize the shot of me in B&W with Lady EnglishPosh McMarriedFootballersWife, because it looks like all my teeth are seamless, and they are definitely not.

That's why I didn't smile too brightly for my cam shots. But I without the scratch for a total reworked grill, I accept them as normal.

Normal with a smattering of handsome. I can live with that! lol!

SolarisGal said...

Oh lordy, that first sentence alone gave me the willies! How could you stand the torture, the pain, the misery!!??

Alan said...

SolarisG, I'd been running from it for just about twenty years! That's how I got into this mess to begin with!

But once the Novocaine set in, it was just a matter of patience while Mr. Dentist played tug-o-war with my skull.

After he pulled the four from my upper right side (which included that dearly departed Lone Soldier) you should've heard him filing down the BONE with the drill. :D

Think of every Hallowe'en skull you've ever seen, and how the bone is ridgy around the teeth--he sanded away that! Then tried using psychology on me by saying, "That's nice strong bone you've got there Mr. White." Well, not strong enough to defeat your DRILL, you butcher!!

No, really, it was mostly painless. Just a pinch here and there when the needles went in. And the crackling of tooth root as he wrenched and twisted. The sounds and pressure were all I had to wait through. And so what if I ripped the armrest off the dentist chair ...?

mt_detroit said...

and I thought my teeth were bad!

ugh ... at least it is fixed now. Don't stop going ever again!

Lara Croft said...

Did someone mention french kissing in the usa lol, oh yeahhhhhh blondie. Good work Alan, now you have no excuses to pucker up !

GrizzBabe said...

OUCH! I think the dentist would have had to knock me out completely before I would have let him get within 10 feet of me while holding one of those drills.

Alan said...

Lol, Grizz! BuzzzZIZZzzzzzzzzzz...
I understand being afraid of the drill, but I hope you've already got good chompers and don't need it! Don't get in my predicament!