I thought I made a friend. I put a lot of positivity and empowerment her way. Then I dedicate a song to her situation from an artist I knew she liked. And two or three lines out of the song, which I wasn't even focusing on, makes everything from that point backwards invalid?
Viva la the single life, man.
The comments in the last message are the exact reason why I don't keep girlfriends. And the exact reason why I posted the song "Another Again" and am attracted to similar songs like John Legend's "Heaven" and other such about couples who break up. Because it's the story of my life. I'm drawn to the passionate ones, and the passionate ones lash out the hardest at me. I can't predict what I'll do wrong, can't prevent it, and then suddenly I'm being yelled at. And I'm not made to receive lashings from people I start caring about. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel horrible. And it haunts me. It comes at me with the voice of my mother. And it makes me furious. And useless.
And I'm so old. I haven't overcome this struggle yet, and the way it feels now, it seems like I never will. I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
But at least I'll be safe from abuse when I'm alone.
6 comments:
Ouch! Methinks you need to take some of the advice that you gave me. Just because I didn't like something that you did doesn't mean that I don't like you. And it also doesn't mean that I'm mad at you. Nor does it invalidate all the kind things you said to me.
Gee, Alan! Now you hate women because of me?!
No no no. I was going to erase this. But I'll leave it.
No no, I don't hate women--I hate me. I love women and I wish I were better so I could have one of them! (That's kind of funny, actually, isn't it?)
Sorry sorry sorry. You didn't abuse me. I overreacted. I'm just so dang fragile. I suck.
But I will erase the VERY last post I made. THAT'S an overreaction for sure.
Are you really a therapist? I don't mean that in a bad way, but if you really are a therapist, then you know that you are being WAY to hard on yourself. Plus, think of your clients. I'm sure they are trusting that you know what you're talking about and that you're certainly thinking that you hate yourself.
Maybe you should talk to someone. Maybe you do, but I'm new around here so I haven't read up.
No one should hate themselves. No one should erase posts either. You have to face your emotions and foul moods.
Check on all counts.
I really am a therapist and I am also in therapy (I've started again about two months ago). I do basically hate myself, but I also know why. But as an analogy, a heart surgeon can't clear his own blocked aorta.
The crib notes on me;
1) Within the last five years, I've discovered that I'm a victim of sexual abuse that started from at least 6 years old.
2) Was raised by a bipolar mother.
3) Sought shelter in a fundamentalist cultlike religion, pursuing father-figures.
4) Uses escapism (read: disassociation) to deal with stress. 4a) Sometimes I question my sexuality - but the sexual abuse came from a man, so I'm not drawing conclusions.
5) I now use the example of good men to rebuild my character.
6) It's not easy.
7) I'm a good therapist, if the results in my clients are any indication.
Let Alan 101 commence...
*hug*
!!
Why ... thank you.
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