When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Monday, June 11, 2007

Like A Wave

...here it comes. Yes, I know it's not ALL women and it was unfair to make a blanket statement as the title of the last post. Sorry for that. Might as well leave it alone though, because it's what I was feeling and it's a cliche that works for the sentiment of the post.

Meanwhile, I'm rifling through Craiglist for rental situations and I got two invitations to come see apartments and now I'm feeling the pressure and fear mounting, like a wave. Mostly I'm happy I'd be leaving George's place, but here comes the 'what ifs' provided by my old nemesis Worst-Case Scenario Man (who powered himself up by the energy of the holleration in last posts' comments). And the what ifs make me want to cancel the invitations, stay here, and hide under the covers.

What if they reject me after just meeting me, and I don't get the apartment?

Or worse,

What if the new roommate hates me after two months and starts yelling at me?

Yes. What if. What if I have to spend night after night feeling as lousy as I do right now? What if.

What if I were a normal person?

What if I never got myself into this mess in the first place?

What if I were 30 again?

What if I already lived with a person who loved me?

What if I had been raised by a person who loved me?

What if I were never born.

What if I just disappear.

What if.


Alan said...

Well good grief. I think I'll leave this one too, because here's my apology there in post.

But I do feel better.

Now back to the start;

In my mind, if John Legend can write about the horror of up and down relationships, and sing them with passion and conviction (as it sounds like he does) then I get some kind of hope from it. Think of any heartbreak song. Phil Collins' "Seperate Lives" comes to mind too.

To sing so hard and loud about something so devastating seems to be a process of healing for the singer, to me. And that makes me think that if (when?) I run into this kind of heartbreak, I could heal too.

That's kind of my interpretation of "Another Again". If I were in a relationship like John is singing about, I hope I can face others and talk about it the way John sings, with conviction and heart and honesty. And not with self-loathing followed by self-exile, which is my norm.

Anonymous said...

"What if I just disappear."

No no no no no no. And no.

If you need to sing loudly, then for God's sake, sing loudly and send me the mp3 file. If you need to write it all in a story, then destroy the paper, I'll supply the matches.

But you may not..

May NOT...




Alan said...

Yes I understand.

That's the single line that I wanted to erase the whole post for. And I could have just erased the line. But, it's how I felt at the time so I left it.

Self-pitying claptrap, but it's what I want to do. It doesn't mean I don't want to *live*, it just means I want to live as someone else. Someone who has/had/will have their ish together. As in, I want do-overs, man! I call DO-OVERS!

Well, I am going to see one apartment on Wednesday. I confirmed that. The person who put the add up even erased it, so they may have already lined up the interviewees. Or maybe its just me he wants. After all, I am a license-holding professional in mental health. And it *is* New York City, so me stepping my black self up to the door shouldn't be so much of a shock. (Because he is most definitely not black, if his name is any indication.) And if I can be my usual charming self :rolleyes: maybe the dude won't retch after I leave. And maybe I'll like him too. And maybe it'll be alright. Or not. Or whatever.

I don't know.

And that's the part I hate.

Littlewing said...

Don't you follow the theory that if things are meant to be, they will, or that there is a reason why things happen?
You are a therapist but you are scaring me!