I told Grim and survived. It took a few hours of playing on the Wii (amazing gadget that) before we went out for pizza and I went in with discussion about relationships and what he was doing with his. Friendly reciprocation kicked in, and when he started giving me advice on how to make all my Match.com dates successful from now on, I knew that was my moment.
With heart staggering, I told him that 'I don't think I'm attracted enough to girls.' I said 'I'm probably not even straight.' I said in fact, the opposite was true and that I thought 'guys are quite nifty.'
Good ol' hetereosexual that he is (to my dismay) he doubted my self-ideas for a little while and fished around for a saving grace to retain my membership for the Home Team. But I told him what I experienced in high school; how I escaped The Great Adolescent Sex-Race by immersing myself into religion yet I would systematically still have crushes on most of my friend-girl's guy-dates.
'Yes,' he declared. 'Then you are gay.'
'Yes,' I agreed. 'I am gay.'
We volleyed more words around for the next hour, but mainly from me. What I was facing at 45, how I did and did not want to live the rest of my life, and how I didn't know what to do with this self-info. "Do I just tell everybody?"
And he said "You know it won't matter to us, right?"
By us he was referring to him and the rest of them who I dumped in fear that it, of course, would matter and very much so.
And that's what I keep missing. I keep missing the fact that if people are my friends ... really my friends ... me being gay is not going to matter. I don't trade porn with my friends. They don't slip me pics or details of their bedroom lives. My sexuality is not something that affects my friendships.
And so far, I'm 100% successful in coming out of the closet and still being accepting by the friends who I do love. I may even have enough support to help me if I DO discover some of my acquaintences shall no longer truck with me upon discovering my orientation. To which by that time I will most likely roundly return a hearty "FUCK YOU, THEN" in response instead of being the recipient of a shattered world.
In other words, I'm seeing the dawn break through the gap of my slowly opening closet door.
It's kind of nice. I just don't know HOW nice yet.
We'll see.
Oh, and just another peek at why I like and want Grim to stay my friend; one of the responses he made to me, while I was vomiting my truth out in an adraline rush was, "You'd better change your Match.com profile then."
6 comments:
Congratulations! I'm really happy that things went so well. And I'm in awe of your bravery. But I imagine that you felt like you had no choice -- be honest about who you really are or your soul dies a slow, agonizing death. Regardless, it was a courageous thing to do.
Yes, it must have been scary and hard. No matter how much we empathize, there is no equal in the land of the straight.
But while we cannot suffer through what you are doing, we can join you in saying the hearty "eff off" to whomever it is that cannot deal with the truth.
-CB
Hallelujah! I'm so happy that you're not buried any longer...in a basement no less. Grim is some kind of wonderful, yes?
Yep, just like you. So, carry on with your awesome self.
Whew! I was holding my breath throughout the entire post. Yay.
I had my moments of heartbeat, pause, heartbeat when you mentioned you were going to tell Grim, but I'm really glad you did, and really glad that he's just as cool as I would expect a friend of yours to be.
I hope I've said this before - you being gay is not, despite the weight and gravitas you give it - what makes people like or not like you. It's not the most interesting thing about you. Anyone who has issues with you based on who you find attractive has issues that you can't fix.
Look at your Twittersphere, your blogosphere - all the cool folks lined up with you shoulder to shoulder, based on who you are, not 'what' you are.
My man. Well done. Well done indeed.
Thank you everyone. Like ... a lot.
I am hoping for the best possible outcome, but I know from the cybershperes in my life, there are a percentage of people who will squirm and maybe fall away from me when they find out the facts, and that's what I'm preparing myself for now. That loss is going to hurt, and hopefully it will be only a very small number. And hopefully, in that number, there won't be any that I counted as close.
But again, thank you very, very much.
VERY much.
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