When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Didn't Know How Mad I Was Until I Finished This Post

So about three weeks ago, maybe going on four, I saw Grim Jester driving in his car while I was out with a client. Details of that can be found here.

Well, I still haven't told him yet. He called last week to say we could get together some time when his girlfriend was not around, and that might be this weekend. Meanwhile, I visited our friend-in-common this weekend (the guy I met through Grim and would give rides to our venues because he's just on the other side of the Harlem River from me) because I wanted to use his unlimited metro card and save myself some trainfare. He's another that I could've told my gayness to, but again I just lapsed into the same hetero-patterns that I always do when I sense that I'm with a hetero friend. I chicken out. All the worse case scenarios come crashing down. (re: they'll ridicule me, they'll tease me, they'll scorn me, they'll call me a liar, they'll get angry with me, they'll suspect that I want them, they'll go silent, go uncomfortable, see me as different, as less, as worse, as deviant, as damaged. That everything will change. Everything.)

So I can honestly say that I ditched Grim Jester and the others as a pre-emptive strike. Because I want to tell them my truth, just so I can stop pretending that we have this girl-hunt activity in common anymore, and I can stop that particular type of personal isolation and despair. But if I've already ditched THEM, and the worst case scaenario happens, well--fine. Jokes on you. I left your asses a long time ago anyway.

Yet when I saw ol Grim driving that day, I didn't feel any of the frustration, anger, or fear. I felt lonely. I wanted our friendship back. I wanted someone who lets me call them. Someone who would be willing to take me out when I'm feeling low.

And it makes me want to get rid of the homo-ness again. It's just so ridiculous. Why does this have to be real? Why can't I just have a girl like everybody else? (haha)

Finding a girl would just be so much more ... better for me than going with my stupid homo urges. Sorry, I don't know what else to call them. It's just that they seem to be keeping me from what I want most in life--I want to be happy and accepted. And I DO want kid(s). And I NEED a second income, thanks to the way the country values psychology. I need to be in a family wherein one of us can cover all of us with benefits from their job. And I want to be able to have tete-a-tetes with neighbors without carrying around my homo-baggage. Without having to challenge pre-conceived notions, march in parades, educate children and became a fucking two-man mission-statement instead just being a fucking average guy who gets to have sex with the person who turns him on, like every fucking body else in the LITERALLY fucking world.

Clearly that's too much to ask of the universe. I have to be gay. LUCKY FUCKING ME. And THANKS A FUCKING LOT.

See title.


GrizzBabe said...

You must be mad! You spelled out "fucking" instead of leaving out letters to make it PG-13.

I have no words of wisdom. But I'll hold the punching bag while you take some metaphorical swings at the universe.

Me said...

And I did it SIX times, haha.

Yeah, there are no words of wisdom which would change how I feel, as far as I can tell, so yeah. I'm just going to go ahead and feel it. I don't think it'll last forever.

Erica M. said...

Amazing post. I am blown away by your honesty and the simply human face you put on your struggles. I want to share you with the world, but I know only about 20 people.

Christine said...

I'm coming in about 10 days later--are you still angry?

I turned out straight...even though I was raised in the LGBT community. When it became apparent that I wasn't gay, I wondered if I would still fit in...if I'd be a disappointment...if I'd be loved for all eternity by the people I'd been surrounded and nurtured by.
I know it's not the same thing, but there are parallels, yes?

I suppose I am lucky because I was accepted and also encouraged to be true to myself. It is possible to have the best of both worlds...I guess it just takes time.

Do we do virtual hugs here? Sending one your way.

Me said...

Virtual hugs accepted.

Yeah, doesn't take much for it to make me angry about it, still. What I do is just go to my happy place when it gets too bad.

Helping other people helps me not dwell on it and when I focus on the joys that my friends are experiencing, then again I get a reprieve.